Jeff Dunham - Oldest Joke Ever

Season 1 , Ep 0101 09/25/11 Views: 87,793

Jeff Dunham wonders if Achmed has any good memories of growing up. (3:05)

Achmed, did your parentshave much to do

to do with what you do now?

Well, uh, I guess so.

My father wasa suicide bomber.

Oh, so you guysare a lot alike?

Well, I have his eyes.

In a box.

And I like to hide themwherever Walter is sleeping.

That way, whenhe wakes up,

it scaresthe crap out of him.

WALTER (distant):You son of a bitch,

I'll kick yourass right now!

(applause and cheering)

Is that case lockedfrom the outside?

Yeah. Why?

'Cause he still scaresthe crap out of me!

So, Achmed,do you have

any good memoriesof your father?

Uh, for my eighthbirthday,

he got me a puppy.That's good.

No, it turned into a disaster.Why?

Because sometimes my father was

a very confused man,

and that daymy mother told him

to go outside and blow upsome party balloons.Yeah?

(sadly):And that's how I gota dog with no legs.

You had a dogwith no legs?

Yeah, he was great.

I had himfor many years.

Oh. So what'dyou call him?

Seriously?

Seriously.

What?

I had a dog with no legs.

What did you call him?

Seriously?

Okay, you'rea comedian, right?

Yeah.

I had a dog

with no legs.

(sinisterly): Ask me again.

What'd you call him?

I didn't call him anythingbecause he could never come.

It's not funny!

Achmed, that's, that's, like,the oldest joke ever.

(voice breaking):Yes, but in my case,it was true.

AUDIENCE: Aw...

Thanks.

Could he doany tricks?

He could roll over.

It's not funny because if thereis any kind of an incline,

he couldn't stop himself!

He looked like a runawaycan of pinto beans

rolling down a hill.

It was the only timeI ever saw a catactually laugh.

Meow. (hiccups)

Meow. (hiccups) Meow. (hiccups)

(faster) Meow. (hiccups)Meow. (hiccups)

(gasping groan)

What was that?

I killedthe (bleep) cat.

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