Dat Phan - Vietnamese Strengths

  • Season 8 , Ep 2
  • 01/29/2004
  • Views: 18,155

Dat Phan asks for burritos at Japanese restaurants. (2:54)

SO HERE WE ARE IN NEW YORK.

I WAS EATING SOME--

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S GREAT.

I LOVE IT.

I WENT AND HAD JAPANESE FOOD

TODAY AND I MADE LIKE

THE BIGGEST MISTAKE, YOU KNOW?

I ORDERED A FORTUNE COOKIE

AFTER THE MEAL.

YOU GUY'S EVER DONE THAT BEFORE?

[AUDIENCE AGREEING]

I DIDN'T KNOW FORTUNE COOKIE'S

CHINESE.

AND I ORDERED IT AND I'M ASIAN.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW.

I'M LIKE, "HEY, MAN, THE FOOD'S

REALLY GOOD BUT THERE WAS LIKE

NO COOKIE WITH A NOTE INSIDE

FOR THE FUTURE AFTER THE MEAL."

[LAUGHTER]

"THIS IS JAPANESE RESTAURANT,

NOT CHINESE."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

"OKAY, MAN, RELAX.

YOU GUYS HAVE ANY BURRITOS?"

"YOU GET OUT OF HERE,

SMART-ALECK."

I'M VIETNAMESE.

VIETNAMESE PEOPLE AND BEAUTY

SALONS.

HOW IN THE HECK DID THIS HAPPEN

HERE, FOLKS?

WHAT WAS OUR PLAN OF ATTACK

ON THE AMERICAN JOB MARKET THERE

BEFORE WE LEFT VIETNAM?

WHAT WAS THE FINAL MEETING?

IT WAS LIKE, "VIETNAM,

LISTEN UP.

THIS OUR FINAL MEETING."

[LAUGHTER]

"I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT IT.

I KNOW THE PERFECT JOB FOR US.

OKAY, NOW THE JAPANESE PEOPLE,

THEY TAKE OVER, THEY MAKE

THE VCR, RIGHT?

THAT'S A GOOD PLAN THERE.

[LAUGHTER]

I ALSO HEARD THEY MAKE

THE FORTUNE COOKIE.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

GERMAN, THEY TAKE OVER THEY MAKE

THE FARVE-- THE AUTOMO--

THE CAR.

[LAUGHTER]

VIETNAM, WE TAKE OVER BY DOING

PEDICURE.

THAT'S HOW WE TAKE OVER.

WE TAKE OVER ONE FOOT AT A TIME,

DAMN IT.

THAT'S THE PLAN OF ATTACK

RIGHT THERE.

WE TAKE OVER FROM THE TOE UP.

THAT'S THE PLAN.

WE SPREAD OVER USA LIKE FUNGUS

FROM THE TOE.

USA.

5 DOLLAR MAKE YOU HOLLER.

LOVE YOU LONG TIME, GI."

LADIES, YOU KNOW WHAT

I'M TALKING ABOUT.

YOU'RE IN THERE.

YOU'RE GETTING YOUR NAILS DONE.

THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, YOUR NAME IS

ROSE.

OH, SO BEAUTIFUL.

UH-HUH.

UH-HUH."

[LAUGHTER]

[SPEAKING VIETNAMESE]

HEY!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

"SO HOW'S YOUR SON DOING?

YOUR SON DOING GOOD?"

[SPEAKING VIETNAMESE]

[SLAPPING SOUND]

"HEY!

I TELL SHE SLAP--

OH, SHOOT, WRONG LANGUAGE."

[LAUGHTER]

I'M SO JEALOUS OF OTHER ASIANS,

YOU KNOW?

THEY ALL HAVE THEIR OWN

MARTIAL ARTS STYLES.

MY PEOPLE, WE DON'T HAVE CRAP.

VIETNAM IS THE ONLY COUNTRY

IN ASIA THAT DOES NOT HAVE A

MARTIAL ARTS STYLE OF THEIR OWN.

LIKE KOREANS HAVE TAE KWON DO,

JAPANESE PEOPLE HAVE KARATE.

MY PEOPLE, "PICK A COLOR.

WE DO FOR YOU.

THAT'S A MARTIAL ARTS STYLE

RIGHT THERE.

CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN ACRYLIC.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT RIGHT THERE--

THAT'S THE CUTICLE STRIKE.

LEE PRESS-ON STYLE, LOOK LIKE

REAL NAILS.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU WANNA MESS WITH OUR PEOPLE,

HUH?

YOU WANNA MESS WITH VIETNAM?

YOU WANNA WALK DOWN A DARK

ALLEY, HUH?

WE WAX YOUR BIKINI WAX.

WE RIP YOUR PUBE OFF HERE.

YAHHH!

[LAUGHTER]

"WE RIP YOUR PUBE OFF, THROW IT

IN YOUR EYE.

YEEHHAAA!

WE GOING TO TEAR ALL YOUR HAIR

OUT OF THE ROOT.

THEN WE GIVE YOU SHAMPOO,

25 DOLLAR MAKE YOU HOLLER."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Loading...