Uncensored - Extended - Patton Oswalt - Adorable Racism

04/06/14 Views: 10,721

Patton Oswalt's daughter gets them both into an awkward situation at their local Starbucks. (3:13)

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AND THERE'S A STARBUCKS NEAR USTHAT IS --

THEY HAVE THE BEST EMPLOYEES

AND THE WORST CUSTOMERSON THE PLANET.

IT IS ALL TRUST-FUNDHIPSTER DOUCHE-BAG WANNABES

JUST TWITTERING AND TUMBLINGAND INSTAGRAMMING AND, YOU KNOW.

AND YOU LITERALLY --

YOU CAN'T HEARTHE NORAH JONES CD

OVER THE SOUND OF EYES ROLLING.

THAT IS HOW HIPTHIS PLACE IS, SO...

[ APPLAUSE ]

BUT ONE DAY,WE'RE DRIVING AROUND,

DOING DADDY/DAUGHTER STUFF,

AND MY DAUGHTER GOES,"I WANT A CROISSANT."

SHE LOVES THE CROISSANTSAT STARBUCKS.

SO, WE GO INTO THE STARBUCKS

AND I GET HER A CROISSANTAND I GET A TEA

AND WE SIT DOWN.

AND I'M DRINKING MY TEA,

AND SHE'S SINGING A SONGABOUT HER CROISSANT.

MAKES NO SENSE, BUT IT'SHILARIOUS, AND I'M LAUGHING.

WE'RE HAVING A GRAND OLD TIME.

AND I'M HAVING SUCH A GOOD TIME,

I DO NOT NOTICETHE OLD, OLD, OLD, OLD

BALD BLACK GUYWITH THE BRIGHT-WHITE BEARD

WHO SITS DOWN NEXT TO ME.

I DO NOT SEE HIM UNTIL MYDAUGHTER STANDS UP ON HER CHAIR

AND SAYS, "DADDY, A MONKEY!"MONKEY! MONKEY!"

SHE'S SCREAMING "MONKEY"AT THIS GUY --

SCREAMING "MONKEY"OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

FIRST OFF, SHE'S DOING ITIN THE WORST PLACE POSSIBLE,

'CAUSE WE'RE SURROUNDED BY,"OH, #RacistBaby.

ALL RIGHT."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"FUCKING ASSHOLE.

BULLSHIT."

INSTAGRAM "KLAN DAD."

WE GOT THAT OUT THERE. YEP.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND SECONDLY, HOW DID I HANDLETHIS HORRIBLE SITUATION?

HOW DID I, A SUBSCRIBERTO THE NATION...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...A GREEN-ENERGY,

FARMERS-MARKET-PATRONIZINGPROGRESSIVE LIBERAL --

HOW DID I HANDLETHIS SITUATION?

DID I SIT HER DOWN AND GO,"SWEETIE, THAT IS NOT

"HOW WE TALK TO OR ABOUTOTHER PEOPLE.

THAT IS VERY OFFENSIVE,AND YOU CAN'T DO THAT."

IS THAT HOW I HANDLED IT? NO.

HERE WAS MY SOLUTION.

I PICKED HER UP,

SHOVED HER FACERIGHT NEXT TO MINE,

AND THEN RAN OUT GOING...

AH-GUH-GUH-GUH-GUH-GUH-GUH-GUH-GUH-GUH!

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I BARKED NONSENSEOVER HER ADORABLE RACISM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHICH, BY THE WAY,

EVEN IF SOMEBODY FAR AWAYHAD SEEN THAT,

IT STILL WOULD'VE LOOKEDHORRIBLE,

'CAUSE IT WOULD'VE BEEN THISWHITE DAD AND HIS WHITE DAUGHTER

AND THEN AN OLD BLACK GUYSITS DOWN, AND I GO...

AH-GUH-GUH-GUH-GUH-GUH-GUH-GUH-GUH-GUH!

LIKE, JESUS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

LITTLE SUBTLETY THERE, KLAN DAD.

WHAT'S UP THERE, GRAND WIZARD?

[ LAUGHTER ]

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