The Best and Worst of Christmas - Uncensored

12/20/2016 Views: 106

Mike Lawrence explains why mistletoe is a bad idea, which Christmas special secretly sucks and why Mariah Carey is better than Whitney Houston. (1:51)



- Look, I hate to sound like a click baity Jezebel article,

but this is justseasonal sexual assault.

You shouldn't be able to plant one

on an unsuspecting friend

wearing a particularly perky sweater,

because the holidays.

A piece of plant doesn't make someone your ho, ho, ho.



A Charlie Brown Christmas is horribly depressing.

Bad animation.

Obnoxious real kid voices,

and a contemporary jazz soundtrack

that goes well with a nice mix of eggnog and Drano.

It is best watched when you're alone,

and you know things won't get better anytime soon.

And at the end, the kid who clings to his blanket

starts yapping about Jesus.

It's a Christmas special.

I don't wanna hear about Jesus.

The greatest Christmas special is

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

Drunk ass bro lives, misfit toys,

a dentist elf that lookslike Ellen DeGeneres.

And Yukon Cornelius, a broddy explorer

that also looks likeevery Brooklyn drummer,

or just me without glasses after CrossFit lessons.



Mariah Carey has three things going for her

that make her better than Whitney Houston.

One, that cool whistley thing she does with her voice.

Two, the ability to just revive a bath.

And three, the fact thatshe's the only person

to make a new Christmas song that's an instant classic

in All I Want for Christmas is You.

Michael Bublé, Adam Levine, Josh Grobin,

and every other singer you don't get,

but your mom wants to fuck,

have attempted new Christmas classics and failed.

Many people can try-a, yet no one's done it but Mariah.

And no I'm not sure ifI should be more ashamed

that that rhymed, or the bathtub joke.