- Look, I hate to sound like a click baity Jezebel article,
but this is justseasonal sexual assault.
You shouldn't be able to plant one
on an unsuspecting friend
wearing a particularly perky sweater,
because the holidays.
A piece of plant doesn't make someone your ho, ho, ho.
A Charlie Brown Christmas is horribly depressing.
Obnoxious real kid voices,
and a contemporary jazz soundtrack
that goes well with a nice mix of eggnog and Drano.
It is best watched when you're alone,
and you know things won't get better anytime soon.
And at the end, the kid who clings to his blanket
starts yapping about Jesus.
It's a Christmas special.
I don't wanna hear about Jesus.
The greatest Christmas special is
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
Drunk ass bro lives, misfit toys,
a dentist elf that lookslike Ellen DeGeneres.
And Yukon Cornelius, a broddy explorer
that also looks likeevery Brooklyn drummer,
or just me without glasses after CrossFit lessons.
Mariah Carey has three things going for her
that make her better than Whitney Houston.
One, that cool whistley thing she does with her voice.
Two, the ability to just revive a bath.
And three, the fact thatshe's the only person
to make a new Christmas song that's an instant classic
in All I Want for Christmas is You.
Michael Bublé, Adam Levine, Josh Grobin,
and every other singer you don't get,
but your mom wants to fuck,
have attempted new Christmas classics and failed.
Many people can try-a, yet no one's done it but Mariah.
And no I'm not sure ifI should be more ashamed
that that rhymed, or the bathtub joke.