Uncensored - Chris D'Elia - Making Love

Chris D'Elia: White Male. Black Comic. Season 1, Ep 101 11/20/2013 Views: 16,852

Chris D'Elia thinks that wild animals have got the right idea when it comes to having sex. (2:28)

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WE MUST BE WRONGAT THIS MAKING LOVE NONSENSE

BECAUSE WE'RETHE ONLY SPECIES THAT DOES IT.

THERE'S NO OTHER SPECIESON THE PLANET THAT DOES IT.

WE HAVE TO TAKE EACH OTHER OUT

AND IMPRESS EACH OTHERAND COURT EACH OTHER

AND, LIKE, TAKE EACH OTHERTO APPLEBEE'S OR WHATEVER.

LIKE, YOU CAN'T --

LIKE, THERE'S NO BEARS EVERAT APPLEBEE'S, EVER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE,EVEN IF THEY'RE AT APPLEBEE'S,

PEOPLE GET CALLED TO GETTHESE BEARS OUT OF APPLEBEE'S.

THAT'S AWESOME!

BEARS AREN'T EVEN ALLOWEDTO MAKE LOVE, IS MY POINT.

YOU KNOW,THEY JUST WALK UP TO EACH OTHER.

THEY'RE LIKE, "BAH, I'M A BEAR.YOU'RE A BEAR, TOO.

[ ROARS ]"

AND THEN THEY DO IT.

THAT'S IT -- NO MIDDLEMAN,NO APPLEBEE'S, NO COURTING,

NO NOTHING, MAN!

YOU KNOW HOW CRAZY IT WOULD BE?

HEY, WE GOT TO BE DOING IT WRONG

IF WE'RE THE ONLY SPECIESTHAT DOES IT.

YOU KNOW HOW CRAZY IT WOULD BE

IF YOU WERE WALKINGTHROUGH THE FOREST

AND YOU SAW [LAUGHS] HEY,AND YOU SAW TWO BEARS --

ALL RIGHT, HEY, WHAT IF YOU WEREWALKING THROUGH THE [LAUGHS]

YEAH, WHAT IF YOU WERE WALKINGTHROUGH THE FOREST

AND YOU SAW TWO BEARS, LIKE,LEGITIMATELY MAKING LOVE?

LIKE, IT [LAUGHS]

[ LAUGHTER ]

LIKE, YEAH,IT WASN'T EVEN DOGGIE STYLE.

THAT'S HOW YOU KNEW IT WAS LOVE.[ LAUGHS ]

LIKE, IT WAS LIKE FACE-TO-FACE.

LIKE -- LIKE, THEY HAD,LIKE, EYE CONTACT.

LIKE, THEY WERE DOING IT[LAUGHS] LIKE, KISSING,

LIKE, TONGUE KISSING,LIKE [SPLUTTERS]

LIKE, WITH THEIR JAWSAND [LAUGHS]

ON A BLANKET -- ON A BLANKET.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ON A BLANKET, AND THERE WAS,LIKE, AN iPOD ON,

AND YOU SAW THE -- YOU SAWTHE MALE BEAR PICK THE SONG.

HE WAS LIKE, "[ROARS]MICHAEL BUBLé, BAH!"

OR WHATEVER.[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YO, THAT WOULD MESS YOU UPFOR A WHOLE WEEK, AT LEAST, MAN!

YOU DEFINITELY WOULDN'T LISTENTO MICHAEL BUBLé ANYMORE!

[ LAUGHTER ]

WE'RE THE ONLY SPECIES

THAT LISTENS TO MICHAEL BUBLéWHEN WE HAVE SEX!

THAT'S GOT TO BE WRONG, MAN!ALL RIGHT?

AND EVERY TIMEI TALK ABOUT THIS --

EVERY TIMEI TALK ABOUT THIS ONSTAGE,

THERE'S ALWAYS SOME JERKTHAT COMES UP TO ME

AFTER MY SHOWTHAT'S LIKE, "HEY, UH, YO,

"WE'RE NOT THE ONLY SPECIESTHAT MAKES LOVE.

UH, EVER HEAR OF DOLPHINS?"

YEAH, YEAH, BRO.SHUT THE FUCK UP, MAN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YEAH, YOU NEED ARMSTO MAKE LOVE, FOR REAL.

YOU NEED TO HOLD EACH OTHERAND CARESS EACH OTHER

AND KISS AND LIGHT CANDLES.

YOU CAN'T "[CHIRPING]"

YO.

[ LAUGHS ]

HEY, THERE'S NOTHING LOVELYABOUT [CHIRPING]

IF I WAS HAVING SEX WITH YOU,AND ALL OF A SUDDEN

I JUST WENT [CHIRPING] YOU'D BELIKE, "YO, GET OUT OF HERE!"

AND I WOULD GET OUT.I WOULD BE LIKE,

"IT'S 'CAUSE OFTHAT "AH-AH-AH" THING, RIGHT?"