I WENT THROUGH A BAD DEPRESSION

THERE BEFORE THAT.

BEFORE I WAS DEPRESSED.

YOU KNOW, AND PEOPLE TRY

TO CHEER YOU UP, TOO,

WHEN YOU'RE DEPRESSED.

LIKE, THIS ONE FRIEND OF MINE

SAYS TO ME, "YOU KNOW WHAT,

JAKE?

DOGS ARE NEVER DEPRESSED."

YEAH, I DON'T KNOW IF

THAT'S TRUE, OR WHY HE'S EVEN

MY FRIEND, REALLY.

BUT--

I SPENT THE REST OF THE DAY

TRYING TO FIGURE OUT, WHAT KIND

OF ADVICE WOULD A DOG GIVE YOU,

YOU KNOW?

HAVE YOU TRIED LYING IN THE SUN?

(LAUGHTER)

UNTIL YOU'RE REALLY HOT.

AND THEN, GO LIE IN THE SHADE.

FEELS PRETTY GOOD.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT, I DON'T KNOW.

THANK GOD THE DEPRESSED TIME

WAS OVER, AND THE WOMEN--

YOU KNOW, THE ONE THING I DID

LEARN ABOUT WOMEN IS THAT WE'RE

NEVER GONNA UNDERSTAND THEM.

I KNOW THAT.

I USED TO THINK WE'D FIGURE

THEM OUT.

WE'D CRACK THEIR CODE,

OR I'D GET CLOSE TO ONE OF THEM,

AND SHE WOULD TALK.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

WE'RE TOO DIFFERENT, YOU KNOW?

MEN AND WOMEN, YOU LOOK IN THEIR

UNDERWEAR DRAWER, AND IT'S

OBVIOUS THAT WE ARE NEVER GONNA

UNDERSTAND WOM--

USUALLY HAVE TO WAIT FOR THEM

TO GO TO WORK.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT LOOK AROUND IN THERE.

IT'S ALL DIFFERENT STYLES,

AND COLORS, AND TEXTURES,

AND STRAPS, AND SNAPS,

AND SEWN-ON DOO-DADS, AND--

YOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT

THE HELL YOU'RE DOIN', YOU KNOW?

THEN YOU LOOK IN MY UNDERWEAR

DRAWER, JUST LIKE THAT, AS TO

PROTECT MY PANTS FROM MY ASS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THERE IS NO CERTAIN PAIR

THAT GOES WITH A CERTAIN OUTFIT.

SURE SOME OF THEM ARE LUCKY.

BUT YOU KNOW YOU DON'T EVEN

REALLY HAVE TO LOOK IN A WOMAN'S

UNDERWEAR DRAWER TO TELL THE

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN US.

YOU CAN GO TO ANY SHOPPING MALL

IN THE COUNTRY TO TELL THE

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND

WOMEN.

THEY GOT A WHOLE STORE FULL

OF UNDERPANTS FOR WOMEN.

VICTORIA'S SECRET, THEY HAVE

THAT.

WE DON'T HAVE THAT.

THERE IS NO VICTOR'S SECRET,

RIGHT?

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH.

"YO, VICTOR, YOU BLEW THE ASS

OUT OF THESE.

CAN YOU HELP ME OUT?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)