I WENT THROUGH A BAD DEPRESSION
THERE BEFORE THAT.
BEFORE I WAS DEPRESSED.
YOU KNOW, AND PEOPLE TRY
TO CHEER YOU UP, TOO,
WHEN YOU'RE DEPRESSED.
LIKE, THIS ONE FRIEND OF MINE
SAYS TO ME, "YOU KNOW WHAT,
JAKE?
DOGS ARE NEVER DEPRESSED."
YEAH, I DON'T KNOW IF
THAT'S TRUE, OR WHY HE'S EVEN
MY FRIEND, REALLY.
BUT--
I SPENT THE REST OF THE DAY
TRYING TO FIGURE OUT, WHAT KIND
OF ADVICE WOULD A DOG GIVE YOU,
YOU KNOW?
HAVE YOU TRIED LYING IN THE SUN?
(LAUGHTER)
UNTIL YOU'RE REALLY HOT.
AND THEN, GO LIE IN THE SHADE.
FEELS PRETTY GOOD.
(LAUGHTER)
BUT, I DON'T KNOW.
THANK GOD THE DEPRESSED TIME
WAS OVER, AND THE WOMEN--
YOU KNOW, THE ONE THING I DID
LEARN ABOUT WOMEN IS THAT WE'RE
NEVER GONNA UNDERSTAND THEM.
I KNOW THAT.
I USED TO THINK WE'D FIGURE
THEM OUT.
WE'D CRACK THEIR CODE,
OR I'D GET CLOSE TO ONE OF THEM,
AND SHE WOULD TALK.
(LAUGHTER)
BUT IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
WE'RE TOO DIFFERENT, YOU KNOW?
MEN AND WOMEN, YOU LOOK IN THEIR
UNDERWEAR DRAWER, AND IT'S
OBVIOUS THAT WE ARE NEVER GONNA
UNDERSTAND WOM--
USUALLY HAVE TO WAIT FOR THEM
TO GO TO WORK.
(LAUGHTER)
BUT LOOK AROUND IN THERE.
IT'S ALL DIFFERENT STYLES,
AND COLORS, AND TEXTURES,
AND STRAPS, AND SNAPS,
AND SEWN-ON DOO-DADS, AND--
YOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT
THE HELL YOU'RE DOIN', YOU KNOW?
THEN YOU LOOK IN MY UNDERWEAR
DRAWER, JUST LIKE THAT, AS TO
PROTECT MY PANTS FROM MY ASS.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
THERE IS NO CERTAIN PAIR
THAT GOES WITH A CERTAIN OUTFIT.
SURE SOME OF THEM ARE LUCKY.
BUT YOU KNOW YOU DON'T EVEN
REALLY HAVE TO LOOK IN A WOMAN'S
UNDERWEAR DRAWER TO TELL THE
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN US.
YOU CAN GO TO ANY SHOPPING MALL
IN THE COUNTRY TO TELL THE
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND
WOMEN.
THEY GOT A WHOLE STORE FULL
OF UNDERPANTS FOR WOMEN.
VICTORIA'S SECRET, THEY HAVE
THAT.
WE DON'T HAVE THAT.
THERE IS NO VICTOR'S SECRET,
RIGHT?
(LAUGHTER)
YEAH.
"YO, VICTOR, YOU BLEW THE ASS
OUT OF THESE.
CAN YOU HELP ME OUT?"
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)