I'm in a great mood!
This is so wonderfuland beautiful. I feel great.
I just celebrateda wedding anniversary.
To a woman.
Great. So wonderful.
It doesn't mean anything.It was illegal. Whatever.
So, we have this awesome way...I was so... It was amazing.
I want to sayI want to come out...
especially for the guysin the audience.
I love when I hearthat guys love, like,
thinking about women together.You know what I mean?
Like, "I love girl-on-girlaction. It's so hot!
"Girls can get so hot!
"I want to think about two girlsto get so hot!
I want to get another girlin the bedroom so hot!"
Let me give you a reality check.
Next time you go getyour girl-on-girl porn,
why don't you meet me at, like,at 6:00 p.m.
at the softball league, okay?
Then you can pick outa couple of ladies
for your little threesomethere. You know what I mean?
A little Pat, a little Terry.
You know? Huh?
So we did celebrating.We did have an illegal wedding.
It was very exciting.
And I come froma conservative Jewish family,
so I was very scared.Oh, okay, yeah. Jews.
So I was very nervousabout the wedding thing
'cause I had to tell my mother--my conservative Jewish mother--
who many of you might know.
If you're not a Jew,it doesn't really...
We all have the same mother,you know?
So I had to tell her.
I had to tell Phyllis Goldmanthat I wanted
a big lezzie vaginahomo wedding! All right?
So then, she's going to freakout about it, right?
My mother... This is a woman...I have to tell...
The woman who startsevery sentence like this:
My mother is the most
irritated woman on the face of the planet.
She's like four feet tall,filled with disappointment!
She's just irritated.
She could be on a cruise.
She could be on a cruise,taking a hot tub
filled with money,
being massaged by 14 unicorns.
And, literally, she'd go,"Ach! It's all right."
This is the woman I have to tellabout a lesbian wedding.
Finally, I tell my mother, and Ithink she's going to freak out,
but my mother doesn't freak out.
My mother's actuallyreally into it, and I was so...
I couldn't believe it.We underestimate people.
My mother was so into thiswedding, and I found out why.
Because I have a brotherand a sister
who are straight and normal...
...but they're not married.
So this was her wedding!This was it!
Do you understand?
Literally, at one point,my mother's, like,
"Julie, I need this.I don't care.
"You can take a chair and a cup,
"shove it up your ass,and call it your wife!
"I'm going to plan that party!Do you understand me?
"I don't care who you marry.
"I need this, Julie!I need this!
I've never needed anythingmore in my life!"
So we did it.We had this big wedding.
Had 150 peopleat my illegal wedding.
It was very exciting. Right?
90 of the people
at my wedding are my mother'sJewish friends from the temple.
Can you imagine?
So my mother's goingto all these people
thanking them for coming. Right?
My mother has a breakdownin the middle of the wedding.
"Thank you for coming.Thank you for coming."
"My daughter is the groom!"
"What, Mom? Why are you tellingpeople I'm the groom?
"Why are you saying that?Why tell people I'm the groom?
"Come on!Can't we just be two people
"who are in love with each andother deserve to be together"
and deserve the same rightsand privileges...
(speaking nonsensical gibberish)
My mother looks at me and goes,"Please, cut the (bleep)!
Have you looked in the mirror?You're the groom!"