Wedding Bells for Niles

Kevin Nealon & Jordan Rubin Season 2, Ep 13 09/23/2003 Views: 48,438

After becoming engaged to his elderly aunt, Niles calls a wedding planner to arrange the perfect wedding. (3:14)

>> This is Shar.

>> Shar, this is Niles Standish


>> Okay.

>> Can I tell you something?

>> Certainly.

>> I am betrothed.

>> Yay.

>> I want to start planning the

most lavish affair of the


>> Okay.

>> Now I want something

elaborate and a bit gauche, yes,


>> Okay.

>> Yes, yes?

>> And how much do you...

>> Yes, yes?

Work with me, Shar.

Yes, yes?

>> Yes, yes.

>> There we are.

All right, here's a few things.

I'm marrying my best friend, my

lover... my dear, dear Aunt


>> Okay.

>> Now there's several wedding

traditions in our regal clan.

>> Okay.

>> Yes, yes?

>> Yes, yes.

>> Now are you familiar with the

gelatin that surrounds gefilte


What we do is sort of similar.

We slather a liberal dollop of

the gefilte fish jelly on the

mother of the bride and dust her

with what resembles chocolate


It's an old tradition.

We also will be doing a five-

point hymen check at the


How that works is if a bride's

hymen is found to be intact,

it's champagne all around.

If the hymen is discovered to

have been breached, we serve

domestic ale.

So it's an old tradition.

Yes, yes?

>> Okay.

>> Wonderful.

Now we also want to be giving

each other our own vows.

>> Okay.

>> I've written a poem and I'd

like you to hear it so we're on

the same page, yes, yes?

>> Yes, yes.

>> All right, here we are.

"Walk with me up the matrimonial

hill and we will drink deep of

my creamy spill.

True, true, you are my auntie,

my aged decrepit auntie, but I

will light such wretched fires

in your wrinkled loins, God

himself will hath turned away in


Yes, yes?

>> Yes, yes.

So how many guests are you

expecting at this wedding now?

>> I would say roughly somewhere

between three to 1,200.

>> Okay.

>> This is a marriage of

convenience if you know what I'm

saying, yes, yes?

>> Yes.

>> Yes, yes?

>> Yes, yes.

>> Wonderful.

Wonderful, Shar.

Few other things.

We will need a special chalice

so that the newly betrothed

couple can imbibe in the...

of the bride's father.

It's a custom from biblical

times when the bladder was

thought to be the body's center

of health.

And speaking of bladders...

Quickly, the young men at the

reception will be engaging in a

spirited game of rak, which is

essentially soccer that's played

with a sheep's bladder stuffed

with sheep's and goats' eyes.

And the winning team will eat

the eyes.

So we'll need a large, blood-

resistant space.

>> Okay.

>> And they will be wearing

fake... vampire fangs, yes, yes?

>> Yes, yes.

>> Also, we'll be needing to do,

um, the traditional pouring of

melted butter on the heads of

ten babies.

Several of the clan will bring

their children, we will rest

them over the altar and we will

take a gooseneck dollop pouring

device and spread the butter all

over the heads of the innocent.

>> All right.

>> All right, love, listen, I'm

going to buzz you back.

I love what I've heard so far.

And we're going to get this show

on the road.

I'm going to marry my aunt.

We're going to have several

inbred children.

It's going to be wonderful.

Yes, yes?

>> Yes, yes.

>> Ta.

>> All right.