Retta - Lions in Heat

  • Season 8 , Ep 5
  • 02/12/2004
  • Views: 8,277

Lionesses aren't satisfied by a lion who can only do it 215 times in three days. (3:23)

I RECENTLY SAW A SPECIAL ON

ONE OF THOSE NATURE CHANNELS

ABOUT THE LIONS OF THE

SERENGETI.

DOES ANYONE HERE KNOW HOW A

FEMALE LION SIGNALS TO THE MALE

AS TO THE END OF A SEXUAL

ENCOUNTER?

SHE ATTACKS HIM.

SHE VICIOUSLY SWIPES AT HIS

HEAD AND THEN TRIES TO BITE HIM

IN THE NECK.

I'M WATCHING THIS AND I'M

THINKING, "WHAT A COINCIDENCE

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, I'M THE SAME

WAY."

NO, BUT IT'S TRUE.

SHE'S LIKE, "ALRIGHT, ALREADY.

BACK THE HELL UP."

[LAUGHTER]

BUT WHAT'S ODD IS THE MALE,

HE'S COOL ABOUT IT.

HE DOESN'T LET IT BOTHER HIM.

'CAUSE HE KNOWS IN ANOTHER

FEW MINUTES SHE'S GONNA WANT

HIS GOODS AGAIN.

HOW DOES HE KNOW THIS?

BECAUSE LIONS HAVE SEX EVERY

20 MINUTES WHILE THE FEMALE'S

IN HEAT.

YEAH.

HA-HA-HA-HA.

SO BASICALLY SHE SWINGS ON HIM

AND THEN SHE'S LIKE, "ALRIGHT,

BRING YOUR ASS."

SEX EVERY 20 MINUTES.

I'M WATCHING THIS AND I'M

THINKING, "WHAT A COINCIDENCE

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, I'M THE

SAME--"

NO.

[LAUGHTER]

COME ON.

OKAY, SO THEY DO THE WILD

KINGDOM THING, AS IT MAY BE,

EVERY 20 MINUTES WHILE SHE'S

IN HEAT.

LET'S SAY SHE'S IN HEAT FOR

THREE DAYS.

THAT IS 216 SEXUAL EPISODES IN

72 HOURS.

216 TIMES IN THREE DAYS YET

SOME OF YOU SELF-PROCLAIMED

MACS LIKE TO BRAG ABOUT DOING

IT TWICE IN AN HOUR BEFORE

SLIPPING INTO A COMA.

[SNORES]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS

PICTURE, LADIES?

I TEND TO BELIEVE THAT THERE

WILL COME A DAY WHERE MAN AND

ANIMAL-KIND DWELL TOGETHER ON

THIS PLANET IN HARMONY AND THERE

WILL BE PARTIES.

PERHAPS KEGGERS.

I DON'T KNOW HOW IT'S GONNA

WORK.

THE MALES WILL BE GATHERED

AROUND THE KEG TALKING ABOUT

THEIR CONQUESTS, THEIR

ESCAPADES, WHAT HAVE YOU.

ONE GUY WILL BE LIKE, "YO, BRO,

CHECK IT OUT.

I HIT IT [CLICK, CLICK] TWICE

LAST NIGHT.

YEAH.

[LAUGHTER]

I KNOCKED IT OUT."

AND THE LION'S GONNA HEAR THIS.

"TWICE?

WHAT?

DID IT HURT WHEN SHE SMACKED YOU

IN THE HEAD?

IS THAT WHY YOU QUIT,

YOU PUNK ASS?

YOU MAMA'S-BOY, YOU LITTLE

BITCH?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT YOU HAVE TO BE CAREFUL WHEN

YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT A MAN'S

PERFORMANCE, LADIES.

'CAUSE MEN GET THEIR EGOS

BRUISED.

THAT'S WHY WOMEN OFTEN HAVE

TO STROKE AND MASSAGE THE MALE

EGO.

YOU KNOW, BUILD IT BACK UP.

YEAH, YOU GOT ME.

I'M CURIOUS AS TO WHETHER

OR NOT THE LIONESS HAS TO DO

THIS.

LET'S SAY HER MATE CAN ONLY

DO IT 215 TIMES.

AND SHE LIKE, "THAT'S ALRIGHT,

BOB.

IT HAPPENS TO EVERY LION."

[LAUGHTER]

"YOU'RE STILL THE KING OF MY

JUNGLE."

HA!

PERHAPS.

BUT YOU KNOW ONCE SHE LEAVES

THE DEN AND SHE'S HANGING

WITH HER GIRLFRIENDS IT'S A

DIFFERENT STORY.

215 TIMES, LADIES?

HE'S LOSING IT.

YEAH, I THINK I'M GONNA START

SEEING TONY, YOU KNOW,

THE TIGER?

[LAUGHTER]

GIRL, I HEAR HE IS GRRRR-EAT!

[APPLAUSE]

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