Chris D'Elia - Scary Germans & British Heist Movies

  • Season 1 , Ep 5
  • 11/13/2012
  • Views: 43,857

Chris D'Elia breaks down the scariest people on the planet and his least favorite kind of movie. (3:31)

ON THE PLANET ARE THOUGH?

HANDS DOWN, GERMANS.

I FEEL LIKE IF EVEN THE MOSTHARD-CORE GANGSTER OF ALL TIME

ROLLED UP TO A GERMAN,EVEN THE GANGSTER

WOULD END UP GETTING SCARED,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THE GANG MEMBER ROLL UPJUST BE LIKE,

"YEAH, WHAT UP, PLAYER?OOH-WHEE, PARTNER.

"GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY,PLAYER.

"WHAT NOW?EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SON.

GIVE ME YOUR WALLET,PLAYER."

THE GERMAN WOULD JUSTSTAND THERE AND SAY,

[casually in German accent]"NO."

"NO, PLAYER, OF COURSE NOT."

[laughs casually]

RIGHT, THE GANGSTER WOULDN'TEVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO, RIGHT?

HE'D BE LIKE,"OH, SNAP.

"UH, THAT AIN'T HOW THATUSUALLY GOES DOWN.

Y'ALL SEE I HAVE A PISTOL,RIGHT, PLAYER?"

AND THE GERMAN WILL BE LIKE,

"IT'S OKAY, I HAVE ALREADYPOISONED YOU, MY FRIEND."

THE GANGSTER JUST,"OHH-WHEE, PLAYER."

[cheers and applause]

AND THE MEXICAN WOULD ROLL UPAND, "TAKE HIS PANTS!"

[laughter]

GERMANS ARETHE CREEPIEST, MAN.

'CAUSE THEY ALWAYS SOUND LIKETHEY'RE TALKING ABOUT YOU.

RIGHT, IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTERWHAT THEY'RE SAYING

IN THEIR LANGUAGE, IT ALWAYSSOUNDS LIKE IT'S ABOUT YOU.

[speaking fake German]

[continues in fake German]KILL HIM.

[continues in fake German]POISON HIM.

[continues in fake German]

AND PUT A RABBITIN HIS ANUS.

[continues in fake German]

"DID YOU SAY PUT A RABBITIN MY ANUS?"

"WHAT? NO.

"I'M GERMAN.I'M NOT WEIRD."

[laughing casually]

[kissing]

WHENEVER THEY SPEAK,

IT SOUNDS LIKE THEY'RE GOINGIN REWIND.

RIGHT? JUST...

[speaks fake German]

YOU DON'T TRUST METHAT GERMANS ARE THE CREEPIEST,

BUT THEY ARE.I CAN PROVE IT.

IF IT WAS YOUR BIRTHDAY

AND A GERMAN CAME UP TO YOUAND SAID,

[German accent]"HELLO.

"HI, BIRTHDAY BOY.

I HAVE MADE YOUA BIRTHDAY CAKE."

WOULD YOU EAT THAT?

I HATE THAT MOVIETHAT COMES OUT EVERY YEAR.

[British Accent]"ALL RIGHT,

HERE'S WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.HERE'S WHAT--"

IT'S ALWAYS, LIKE,FIVE BALD BRITISH DUDES

SITTING AROUNDA TABLE, RIGHT?

AND ONE DUDE'SJUST BREAKING IT DOWN.

"ALL RIGHT, HERE'S WHATWE'RE GONNA DO.

"WE'RE GONNA--LISTEN UP.

"WE'RE GONNA GO IN,GET ALL THE MONEY,

PUT IT IN A BAG,AND WE'RE OUT."

EVERY YEARIT'S THE SAME MOVIE.

THEY JUST CHANGEWHAT THEY'RE STEALING, RIGHT?

A YEAR WILL GO BY.

"ALL RIGHT, HERE'S WHATWE'RE GONNA DO.

"WE'RE GONNA GO IN,GET ALL THE DIAMONDS,

PUT 'EM IN A BAG,AND WE'RE OUT."

A YEAR LATER.

"HERE'S WHATWE'RE GONNA DO.

"WE'RE GONNA GO IN,GET ALL THE PAINTINGS,

PUT 'EM IN A BAG,AND WE'RE OUT."

A YEAR LATER.

"HERE'S WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.

"WE'RE GONNA GO IN,

"GET ALL THE ELECTRICALAPPLIANCES,

PUT 'EM IN A BAG,AND WE'RE OUT."

A YEAR LATER.

"HERE'S WHATWE'RE GONNA DO.

WE'RE GONNA GO IN,GET ALL THE DALMATIANS--"

[laughs]

[cheers and applause]

"WE'LL PUT 'EM IN A BAG,AND WE'RE OUT.

AIN'T THAT RIGHT, NIGEL?"

IF YOU'RE BRITISH AND YOU DON'TKNOW A DUDE NAME NIGEL,

YOU'RE NOT BRITISH.THAT'S THE POINT.

OR YOU'RE NIGEL.

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