Ralph Harris - Power Side

  • Season 3, Ep 8
  • 07/25/2000
  • Views: 3,572

Women have to trick themselves into waking up. (5:11)

MY DAD TOLD ME THATIF YOU'RE GONNA MARRY SOMEBODY,

YOU SHOULD CLAIM YOUR SPACE,YOU KNOW?

START PICKING OUTWHAT'S YOURS, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, PICK YOUR SIDEOF THE BED, FELLAS.

MY SIDE OF THE BEDIS THE POWER SIDE.

THE CLOCK AND THE PHONE.

I SAY, "NO, BABY,YOU WORK THE LIGHT.

"YOU WORK THE LIGHT!

"THIS IS HEAVY MACHINERYOVER HERE.

YOU AIN'T TRAINEDFOR ALL OF THIS."

'CAUSE SHE DON'T DOTHE SNOOZE BUTTON RIGHT.

SHE ACT LIKE SHE CAN'T FIND IT.

"IT'S BLENDING IN;I DON'T KNOW WHERE IT IS."

SHE SETS THE CLOCK AHEAD ON ME19 MINUTES.

'CAUSE, SEE,WOMEN HAVE TO TRICK YOURSELVES

INTO WAKING UP.

THE LAST THING I WANT TO DOFIRST THING IN THE MORNING

IS MULTIPLICATIONAND SUBTRACTION.

TAKE THE TEN,DIVIDE IT BY THE THREE.

"HEY, GIRL, I'M LATE!

STOP MESSINGWITH THE DAMN CLOCK."

OH, NO, I'M MAKING IT WORK,Y'ALL.

I AM.

I'M LEARNING FROMMARRIED PEOPLE--MY DAD, MY MOM.

THEY'VE BEEN MARRIED--MY FATHER IS A VICTIM.

HE'S GONE;LOST ALL SENSE OF REALITY.

THE MAN YELLS AT PEOPLETHAT AIN'T EVEN IN OUR HOUSE.

"HEY! UH...

"SOMEBODY BETTER LISTEN TO ME!

"COME HERE, BOY.LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

I'VE BEEN MARRIED TO YOUR MOTHERFOR 100 YEARS."

I SAY, "POP,YOU AIN'T THAT OLD."

"SHUT UP; LOOK AT MY HAIR, HUH?

IT'S FALLING OUT, AIN'T IT?"

"NO, IT AIN'T."

"YOUR MOTHER'SSTEALING IT AT NIGHT.

"YOU CAN TELL HER I SAID THAT.

"I KNOW--SHE--YOU CAN--WHOA, SHE COMING;

"GET ON OUT OF HERE.

"HEY, BABY,I AIN'T SAYING NOTHING.

"NOW I'M GOING TO GOSTAND OVER HERE

WHERE YOU TOLD ME TO STAND."

MY MOM IS TOUGH AS NAILS.

SHE GOT POWER.

WOMEN HAVE A LOT OF POWER.

MY MOTHER HAS THE POWER--

[applause]

AND FELLOWS, ALL WE CAN DOIS SIT THERE AND--

"YEAH, LET 'EM CLAP."

MY MOTHERHAS THE POWER OF THE SLAP

TO GO ALONGWITH ALL OF THAT, YOU KNOW.

SHE WAS A TOUGH--SHE IS A TOUGH LADY.

MY MOTHERSTILL WILL SPANK ME, YOU KNOW.

THAT'S WHY I MOVEDTO LOS ANGELES.

SHE DON'T KNOWI LIVE IN LOS ANGELES.

OH, NO, I DON'T KNOW.

MY MOTHER'S COOL, AND I JOKEABOUT HER ALL THE TIME.

SHE COMES TO THESE SHOWS.

SHE SAID, "BOY, YOU BETTERSTOP MAKING FUN OF ME.

I DID THE BEST FROM WHAT I HAD."

SHE HAD A LOT OF WEAPONS.

I REMEMBER, ONE TIME,

I CUT THE BRAND NEW BROOM UPWITH A SAW

TO MAKE NUNCHUCKSLIKE BRUCE LEE.

I DIDN'T KNOWSHE KNEW HOW TO USE THEM.

SHE GRABBED THEM FROM ME.

"SEE, I GOT SOMETHING FOR YOUR LITTLE--

I'LL GETYOUR LITTLE KUNG FU ASS."

SHE PULLED OUT A SECOND PAIR.

I LOVE HER, MAN.

MY PARENTS ARE GOOD PEOPLE.

YOU KNOW, I CALL TO CHECKON MY DAD EVERY NOW AND THEN,

JUST TO MAKE SURE HE'S LIVING.

I SAY, "MA, HOW YOU DOING?

HOW'S DAD?"

"OH, YOU KNOW HE AIN'T RIGHT.

"HE'S SITTING OUT THERE,ACTING LIKE HE DRIVING THAT CAR.

YOU KNOW THERE AIN'T NO ENGINEIN THAT CAR."

"MA, POP'S NOT MAD.

HE'S JUST TRYING TO GET AWAY;THAT'S ALL."

I CAUGHT MY FATHERBARBECUING IN THE SNOW.

HE SET UP A GRILLIN KNEE-DEEP SNOW.

I SAY, "HEY, MAN,WHAT'S--WHAT'S WRONG?"

HE SAYS, "SHUT UP!

"MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!

"YOU DON'T EVEN LIVE HERENO MORE.

"WHO GONNA HELP ME NOW, HUH?WHO GONNA HELP ME NOW?

"YOUR MOTHER TOLD ME

"TO COME OUT HEREAND SET UP THIS GRILL.

"I CAN'T BELIEVEI'M IN THE SNOW,

"MAKING TWO DAMN HOT DOGS.

"ALL MY FRIENDSWATCHING THE GAME,

"WHILE THE CHARCOAL'SBURNING MY EYEBROWS OFF MY HEAD

"'CAUSE SOMETHING'S WRONGWITH YOUR MOTHER!

"YOU CAN TELL HER I--OH, OH, OH.

"THEY ALMOST READY, BABY!

"HEY, BOY, GET THIS NOTETO THE OUTSIDE FOR ME.

"COME ON; YOU HELP ME.

"COME ON.

"DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME;HELP YOURSELF.

"HELP YOURSELF.

WARN THE OTHERS."

I LOVE THEM DEARLY, MAN.

MY PARENTS ARE GOOD PEOPLE.

WHEN I WAS A KID, WE DIDN'THAVE REGULAR CHRISTMAS,

'CAUSE MY FATHER WAS CHEAP.

HE TRIED TO MAKE EVERYTHING.

CHRISTMASTIME, WE'D BEIN THE STORE, FREAKING OUT.

"HEY, POPS, CAN'T WE HAVEONE OF THESE?"

"I CAN MAKE THAT."

"IT'S A TV, MAN."

"GO GET MY WORKBENCH.

I'LL MAKE A DAMN TVAND A 'MOTE CONTROL."

"A 'MOTE CONTROL"--THAT'S HOW HE SAID IT.

WE HAD A STICK THREE ROOMS LONG.

"HERE, CHANGE THE CHANNELLIKE THAT."

[applause]

WHEN YOUR FLOOR MODELTV MESSES UP,

WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO?

PUT A LITTLE ONE ON THE TOP.

MY FATHER SAID,

"THERE AIN'T NOTHING WRONGWITH THAT TV.

THAT'S A TABLE NOW, DAMN IT."

WE WOULD STILL USETHE BIG TELEVISION;

WE'D JUST COVER IT UPWITH A TABLECLOTH

AND USE THE SOUND.

YOU KNOW,PEOPLE WOULD COME OVER.

"HEY, MAN,THAT LITTLE TV IS LOUD."

"NU-UH.

IT'S FOUR BIG-ASS BROKE ONESUNDERNEATH IT."

THAT WAS THE FIRSTSURROUND-SOUND SYSTEM.

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