>> WELCOME TO THE DAILY SHOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

OBVIOUSLY, I AM NOT JON STEWART.

MY NAME IS JASON JONES.

JON IS OUT SICK TONIGHT WITH ABAD CASE OF SOMETHING CALLED THE

BUBONS.

I'M NOT SURE I'M PRONOUNCING THAT RIGHT. THE BUBONS, I THINK.

IT'S APPARENTLY AN ILLNESSTHAT AFFECTS ONLY PEOPLE FROM

NEW JERSEY.

SO, HE SHOULD BE BACK TOMORROW,BUT HE DID SEND IN A PICTURE IN

THE MEANTIME.

THAT'S, I'M SORRY.

THAT'S, THAT IS A PHOTO OF ME.

THAT'S THE MOMENT I FOUND OUT I HAD TO HOST THE SHOW

TONIGHT. BUT WE HAVE GOT,

WE HAVE GOT A GREAT PROGRAMTONIGHT.

OUR GUEST TONIGHT IS ACTUALLYOUR DEAR FRIEND

WYATT CENAC IS HERE.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> THE CENAC ATTACK.

FOKS, THIS HAS BEEN A CRAZY FEWDAYS FOR ME.

A WEEK AGO, AND THIS ISACTUALLY TRUE,

I OFFICIALLY BECAME AN AMERICANCITIZEN.

[ APPLAUSE ]FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T

KNOW, I WAS BORN IN CANADA.

I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW, WHAT WASI THINKING, RIGHT?

STUPID.

BUT AS AN AMERICAN, I NOW HAVE THE RIGHT, THE SACRED RIGHT TO

PARTICIPATE IN OUR ELECTIONS, TO VOTE.

OF COURSE, OBVIOUSLY NOT NEXTMONTH, IT'S JUST THE

(BLEEP) MIDTERMS. WHOGIVES A (BLEEP)?

BUT FOLKS, I AM GEARED UP TOPICK A PRESIDENT IN 2016.

NOW TRADITIONALLY, THE VICE PRESIDENT GETS THE NEXT AT

BAT.

GIVE ME A LITTLE TASTE OF MR. JOE BIDEN.

>> ANOTHER VERBAL FAUX PASFROM VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN.

>> OKAY, THAT'S FINE.

IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE.INSTEAD OF A VERBAL FAUX PAS,

COULD HAVE COMMITTED A FASHION FAUX PAS.

I MEAN SERIOUSLY, COMEON, STARTING A WAR IN A TAN

SUIT IT'S JUST NOT DONE.

ALRIGHT, SO WHAT DID BIDEN SAY?

>> YESTERDAY AT HARVARD A STUDENT IDENTIFIED HIMSELF AS

THE VICE PRESIDENT OF THE STUDENT BODY.

BIDEN HAD THIS TO SAY.

>> I'M VICE PRESIDENT OF THE STUDENT BODY.

ISN'T IT A BITCH?I MEAN -- EXCUSE ME.

THIS VICE PRESIDENT THING. I'MJOKING, I'M JOKING.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> NOW I LIKE THIS GUY.

I LIKE JOE. HE SPEAKS HIS MIND.OK -- OH YEAH, THAT'S FUNNY.

I WASN'T IN THAT MEETING.

BUT BEING SECOND IN COMMAND IS A BITCHY (BLEEP) JOB.

KAY, NEVER GETING TO SIT IN THE CAPTAIN'S CHAIR.

WAITING FOR SOMETHING TO HAPPEN TO THE BOSS'S HEALTH

BEFORE YOU GET YOUR CHANCE TO DO ANYTHING.

AND YOU KNOW YOU'REREADY. THAT HAS GOT TO BE,

I WOULD IMAGINE, INCREDIBLYFRUSTRATING.

[ APPLAUSE ]BUT LET ME TELL YOU, THIS BIDEN

GUY, HE HAS MY VOTE.

I MEAN, IT WAS JUST ONE SLIP UP, WASN'T IT?

>> BIDEN DOES IT AGAIN.

>> VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN STICKING HIS FOOT IN HIS

MOUTH.>> A MAJOR FLUB.

>> HIS OFF THE CUFF STYLEHAS GETTEN HIM INTO TROUBLE

YET AGAIN.

>> OKAY, MAYBE HE NEEDS A LITTLE MORE SEASONING. OKAY?

IT TURNS OUT THE JOB IS NOT AS EASY AS TO LOOKS.

I THINK I MIGHT THROW UP AGAIN.

BUT LOOK, THE GUY IS A FOREIGN POLICY EXPERT TAKING QUESTIONS

FROM COLLEGE STUDENTS ABOUT OUR NEW WAR ON ISIS.

HOW BAD CAN IT BE?

>> OUR BIGGEST PROBLEM IS OUR ALLIES.

>> OKAY, I WAS, I WAS GOING TOGO WITH OUR BIGGEST PROBLEM

IS OUR ENEMIES BUTYOU'RE THE EXPERT.

>> THE TURKS WHO ARE GREATFRIENDS.

AND I HAVE A GREATRELATIONSHIP WITH ERDOGAN, WHICH

I JUST SPENT A LOT OF TIME WITH.

THE SAUDIS, AND THE EMIRATES, ET CETERA.

>> OKAY, DID HE USE THE OLD,HEY, SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS

ARE THE TURKS?

THIS IS NOT GOING TO BE GOOD.

>>THEY POURED HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, AND TENS

THOUSANDS OF TONS OF WEAPONS INTO ANYONE WHO WOULD FIGHT

AGAINST ASSAD, EXCEPT THAT THEPEOPLE WHO WERE BEING,

WHO WERE BEING SUPPLIED WERE

AL-NUSRA AND AL-QUEDA AND THEEXTREMIST ELEMENT OF JIHADIES

COMING FROM OTHER PARTS OF THE WORLD.

>> I'M JUST SAYING IF ALL OF OUR ALLIES IN THE REGION DIDN'T

HAVE THEIR HEADS SO FAR UP THEIR TURKISH ASSESS, THEY

NEVER WOULD HAVEINADVERTENTLY SUPPLIED THE

TERRORIST NIGHTMARE THAT WE'RENOW FIGHTING.

BUT LOOK, WE ALL HAVE FRIENDS THAT WE THINK ARE MORONS.

OKAY. TO FRIENDSHIP. OH THAT'SRIGHT, YOU DON'T DRINK.

WHY ARE WE FRIENDS AGAIN?

NOW IF I KNOW TURKEY, WHICH IDON'T, THEY'RE GOING TO BE

PRETTY OKAY WITH BEING ACCUSEDOF UNWITTINGLY

FUNDING A TERRORISTORGANIZATION.

>> TURKEY'S PRESIDENT SAID HEWAS OUTRAGED BY THE COMMENT.

>> WE HAVE NEVER PROVIDED HELPAND SUPPORT TO ANY TERRORIST

ORGANIZATION. NOBODY CAN PROVEOTHERWISE.

IF BIDEN HAS USED SUCHEXPRESSIONS,

HE WILL BE HISTORY FOR ME.

>> HE IS DEAD TO TURKEY. HE WILLNOT TRAVEL TO TURKEY.

HE WILL NOT EAT TURKEY.

HE WILL BE CONDEMNED TO CONSUME TOFURKEY.

I GUESS WHAT I'M NOTUNDERSTANDING HERE IS WHY

EXACTLY WHAT BIDENSAID WAS CONTROVERSIAL? CAUSE,

YOU KNOW, MOST OF WHAT JOEBIDEN SAID WAS ACTUALLY TRUE.

>> SAUDI ARABIA, QATAR AND THE UNITED ARAB EMIRATES HAVE IN

DIFFERENT WAYS BEEN POURING LARGE AMOUNTS OF CASH INTO THE

SYRIAN REBEL MOVEMENT, AND OFTEN THE MORE EXTREMIST,

MORE ORGANIZED GROUPS END UPGETTING THEIR HANDS UPON IT.

>> SO NO, YOU KNOW, HE'S REALLYBASICALLY SAYING OUTLOUD WHAT

A LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE ARETHINKING.

>> EXACTLY.

ALL HE DID WAS SAY THE TRUTHTHINGS WE'RE ALL THINKING.

BIDEN IS BASICALLY THE SEINFELD OF VICE PRESIDENTS.

DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN TURKEY GIVES MONEY TO SYRIAN REBELS

AND THEN THEY TURN OUT TO BE AL-QUEDA.

IT'S LIKE, WHO ARE THESEMILITANTS?

SERIOUSLY: TELL US, WE'LLWATERBOARD YOU.

(APPLAUSE)

SO APPARENTLY, THE WAY TO

CREATE A DIPLOMATIC CRISIS ISTO SAY SOMETHING TRUE. BUT HEY,

I DON'T NEED A PRESIDENTWHO'S ALL ABOUT MAKING FRIENDS.

SURE BIDEN'S NOT POLISHED, BUTHE STANDS UP FOR WHAT HE

BELIEVES AND NEVER BACKS DOWN.

>> OVER THE WEEKEND BIDEN CALLED TURKEY'S PRESIDENT AND

THE CROWN PRINCE OF ABU DHABI,AN IMPORTANT LEADER IN THE

EMIRATES TO APOLOGIZE.

>> OH COME ON, JOE. COME ON,JOE. YOU APOLOGIZED AND WITH A

PHONE CALL? THAT'SWHAT TEXTS ARE FOR.

WHY DO YOU THINK THEY INVENTED EMOJIS.

KAY, YOU JUST, YOUJUST TAKE OUT YOUR PHONE

AND THEN YOU JUSTTYPE IN A LITTLE EYE, YOU KNOW,

LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW. ANDTHEN (BLEEP) AND THEN UP

COMMA, TURKEY.

THAT SAYS IT ALL IN STYLE.

BIDEN, 2016.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.