Is anybody lonely out there?Clap if you're lonely.
Anybody want to admit it?[scattered applause]
That's a pretty good,solid clap.
Because lonelinessis underrated.
You don't realizewhat you have.
Lonely peoplemake the mistake
of crying themselvesto sleep at night.
They go, "Oh,I wish I had a companion,
someone to watch Criminal Minds with."
You don't realize what you got.I love going on the road.
I don't want to tellmy family this,
but I love to goon the road
and go on a nice,king-size bed, spread out.
Because at home,any parent can tell you,
you got some sweatylittle [bleep],
gets up at 2:00in the morning
'cause they're notproperly sleep trained.
So you wake up startled,
you hear this pitter-patterof feet, shadow.
You're like, "What the [bleep]is that, Chucky?"
My wife won't let mehave a gun in the house,
so I got a marble eggin a tube sock.
I'm like, "Who's there?Identify yourself."
Hammer stashedunder the couch for this
imaginary fight sequencethat's never gonna go down.
And you're too tiredto put up a fight,
so you let himin bed with you.
And an hour later,
you wake up clipped on--they're clipped on
like the koala bearon your fourth grade pencil.
Like, "Get the [bleep] off me."
And why are they so sweaty?Are they on drugs?
Are they taking
mollies downby the preschool,
or is thatjust what happens
when you properlyhydrate yourself?
And then I got to wake upat 6:30 in the morning
every single morning, no matterwhat I've done the night before.
You get to sleep intill whenever
because nobody loves you,
and I got to wake up
at 6:30every single morning
because I have a cutelittle girl or guy
that comesinside of my bed and goes,
"Daddy, wake up. Daddy, wake up.Daddy, wake up. Daddy, wake up.
Apple juice. Apple juice.Apple juice. Apple juice."
That's notan alarm clock
you can hit.
There's no snoozeon a three-year-old.