Theo Von - Crank Texts

Theo Von Season 1, Ep 7 06/01/2012 Views: 4,422

Due to the fact that Theo Von has unlimited texting and only works at night, he gets into a lot of text-based relationships with strangers. (3:31)

Hey so I gotta tell you guysthis story, alright?

So this is a true story.

All right, so six months ago Iget a text message on my phone.

Okay? It's from a random phonenumber that I don't know.

It's a Chicago area code,all right?

I live in Los Angeles.It says, "Hey, it's Wanda."

So I write back, "Wanda who?"

And she writes,"Da Wanda, yo cousin"

And I don't have an cousins.

Both my parentswere only children.

But I was like, "Holy (bleep),it'd be fun if I did, right?"

So I wrote back,"What's up, shorty?"

And she and I have been textingeach other now for six months.

She thinks I'm her cousinthat lives in Los Angeles.

And I actually havea godnephew now

named D'mauri, who's goingto be two years old

in about a week, so...

It's kind of like a big timefor our family.

But I'm like,"This is so much fun."

I'm just going to text everystrange number in America

because I have unlimited textingand I only work at night.

So, now I've textedover 20,000 numbers

and got into the craziestconversations you can imagine.

Like, I'm hiring peoplefor Civil War reenactments.

I'm running blood drivesthat don't exist.

I've been in a relationshipwith one guy

who thinksI'm a 22-year-old woman

stuck at a mental healthfacility in Shawnee, Oklahoma.

Um, it's actually gettinga little out of hand.

But anyway, I takethe best conversations,

I put them on this websiteI started called,

so you can check it out.

But, um...

But people are always like,

"Well, where do youget the numbers?"

And I'm like,

"Well, sharpshooter,you just make them up."

So I'm going to read you guys

one of the conversationsreal quick that I have.

So I write, "Hey, what's up?"

All right, I just sent it outinto the world,

out into the ether. Right?

So, I write, "Hey, what's up?"

This person writes, "Not much.Sorry, new phone. Who is this?"

So, I said,"It's Barry. How ya doing?"

He said, "Hey, I am good.How are you?"

I said, "I'm great.Got through the surgery fine."


He said, "Barry,I don't want to be rude,

but I'm very bad with names.I still can't remember you."

I said, "I forget thingsall the time.

"No biggie.

I'm still in ICU.Just kind of lonely."

He goes,"Barry, I think you have

the wrong number, my friend."

"Who gave you thisas my number?"

I said,"I've had it in my phone."

"You should see the new leg.

(bleep) technology."

(chuckles) Then he goes,"Do you know what my name is?"

And I had to guess.So I just guessed Ben.

He goes, "Sorry, my friend,that's not me,

but I hopeyou feel better soon."

I said,"(bleep), man, me too.

You ever been through anythinglike this?"

'Cause you got to keep 'emgoing.

He goes, "No, not like that.You'll be okay."

I said, "I don't know, man.I feel like such a bitch."

He goes, "(bleep) happens."

Yeah, (bleep) likeyou lose your keys.

Not (bleep) like this.

I said, "Easy for you to say,I'm out a (bleep) leg, homie."

Then he didn't write back.So I wrote,

"Uh, I'm sorry, man.I'm just angry.

This is hard for me.Do you have any advice?"

He goes, "You will get usedto it. Sorry, got to run."

"Got to run" to a guywho had just lost his leg

in intensive care.

That's America.