Chris D'Elia - Addicted to Drama

  • Season 15 , Ep 5
  • 01/11/2011
  • Views: 30,963

During arguments with his girlfriend, Chris D'Elia immediately snaps into Keanu Reeves. (2:34)

YOU EVER MEETTHOSE GIRLS

THAT JUST AREADDICTED TO DRAMA?

THEY FEED OFFDRAMA, RIGHT, RIGHT?

YOU--THAT'S IT, RIGHT?

AND HERE'S THE THING:THIS IS HOW YOU KNOW--

THIS IS HOW YOU KNOWWHAT GIRL LOVES DRAMA.

THE FIRST THING--

THE FIRST THING THATCOMES OUT OF HER MOUTH

WHEN YOU MEET HERIS ALWAYS THIS:

"I JUST WANTYOU TO KNOW,

"I'M JUST, LIKE, NOTINTO ALL THAT DRAMA."

[audience laughing]

WATCH OUTFOR THAT PERSON!

SHE'LL SWEAR UPAND DOWN ALL NIGHT.

"I JUST DON'T BELIEVEIN ALL THAT DRAMA-AAA!

[audience laughing]

- "I DON'T SUBSCRIBETO DRAMA-AAA!"

REALLY-- THEN WHYARE YOU SINGING IT?

THAT'S DRAMATIC--THAT'S A MUSICAL

AND I DON'T WANNABE IN IT WITH YOU.

[audience laughing]

OH, THANKS.

[applause]

- DUDE, IT-IT'S--

GIRLS ARE ALWAYS LOOKINGFOR THAT LEADING MAN.

THEY'VE SEEN TOO MANYMOVIES, YOU KNOW?

THEY-- WE GO WITH THEM,AND THEY'RE LIKE,

"WOULD YOU DOTHAT FOR ME?"

AND WE'RE LIKE,"UH, YEAH, TOTALLY."

IN OUR HEADS, WE'RELIKE, "NO-- UH-UH.

"I WOULDN'T DOTHAT FOR YOU."

TOO, THEY'RE ALWAYS LOOKINGFOR THE LEADING MAN, MAN.

AND MY GIRL WOULD ARGUETILL SHE GOT WHAT SHE WANTED.

LIKE MOST GIRLS, THEYWANNA FINISH IT, RIGHT?

BUT DUDES SNAP WAYBEFORE THAT, RIGHT?

AND I WOULD SNAP,BUT WHEN I WOULD SNAP,

I'LL IMMEDIATELYBECOME KEANU REEVES.

LIKE, THAT'S HOWI FEEL, AT LEAST.

THAT'S A LEADING MAN,SO, CLOSE ENOUGH.

YOU KNOWWHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, SHE'LLDROP SOME BOMB.

SHE'LL BE LIKE, "WHY DON'TYOU JUST PACK UP AND MOVE OUT?"

AND I'LL, YOU KNOW,"UH-HUH, UH-HUH."

[audience laughing]

- WHOA!

[cheers and applause]

YEAH, YOU KNOW,THE END OF THE 'MATRIX,

WHEN HE STOPS THE BULLETSIN MID-AIR, RIGHT?

AND THEY HOVERIN FRONT OF HIS HAND,

AND HE PUTSHIS HAND DOWN,

AND HE COCKS HIS HEAD ANDTHE BULLETS HIT THE GROUND?

THAT'S WHAT IWOULD DO TO HER,

WHEN SHE WOULDARGUE WITH ME.

IT'D BE WEIRDAND AWKWARD,

BUT IT WOULD TOTALLYTEACH HER A LESSON.

YOU KNOWWHAT I MEAN?

SHE'D COME AT ME-- SHE'D BELIKE, "WHY DON'T YOU JUST--"

AND I--SHE GOES, AND I GO--

AND SHE SAYS, "WHAT DIDYOU JUST DO TO ME?"

[audience laughing]

[cheers and applause]

I WOULDN'T-- I WOULDN'TEVEN HELP HER UP.

I'D JUST LEAVEHER THERE.

I'D STEP ON HER STOMACHTILL SHE FARTED,

AND THEN I'M OUT,YOU KNOW?

YOU WOULD DOTHAT, TOO.

THAT WOULD BE AWESOME,MAN, IF YOU COULD DO THAT.

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