Steve Byrne - Fantasies

  • Season 10 , Ep 5
  • 03/02/2006
  • Views: 13,619

Steve has a few fantasies. (3:35)

ONE IS THAT RIGHT THERE. ANOTHER ONE,

I WANT TO GO IN THEMIDDLE OF CENTRAL PARK,SUNDAY, KIDS PLAYING.

PEOPLE PICNICKING.GAY GUYS ROLLER-SKATING.

AND I JUST WANT TO STAND IN THE MIDDLE OF SHEEP'S MEADOW LIKE THIS

AND EVERYBODY GOES, "WHAT THE HELL?"

AND THEN A BIRD LANDS ON MY FINGER.

I ALWAYS WANTED A BIRD TO LAND ON MY FINGER.

ANOTHER ONE, WHEN I'M IN A BANK AND THE COP'S THERE

AND HE'S GOT HIS BACK TO ME AND THE GUN'S RIGHT THERE,

I ALWAYS WANT TO GRAB IT. LIKE YES, THERE YOU GO.

SORRY.JUST WANTED TO DO THAT.

THANK YOU, OFFICER. THERE'S NO NEED TO--

BUT MY ULTIMATE FANTASYOF ALL MY FANTASIES,

NOTHING SEXUAL, I WANT TO CATCH A SQUIRREL.

I WANT TO CATCH A SQUIRREL SO BAD IT HURTS MY HEART.

THE KIND OF PAIN,I WANT TO JUST SIT DOWN

ON A RAINY AFTERNOON WITH JOHN MAYER JUST WRITE A SONG ABOUT IT.

EVERY TIME I'M IN A PARK AND I SEE ONE OF THOSE RUN

AND DO THAT CUTE LITTLEBREAK DANCE THING, OH.

I JUST WANT TO SPRING UP LIKE A CHEETAH, CATCH IT.

OH, SQUIRREL, I AM FASTER THAN YOU!

YOU KNOW WHATI'M GONNA DO, ACTUALLY?

I'M GONNA CATCH A SQUIRREL WITH MY BARE HANDS.

I'LL CHOKE IT TO DEATH. THEN I'LL GO LIKE THIS. YES.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THIS IS A HOT SHOW, SUCH A HOT SHOW.

I'M GONNA GO HOME AFTER A HOT SHOW LIKE THIS

AND GIVE MYSELF A TREAT,A REWARD WITH A BOWL OF

- MACARONI AND CHEESE.- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AH-- WARMS THE SOUL.

NOW, HERE'S MY FAVORITE PART OF THE MEAL.

IT'S NOT EVEN EATING IT.IT'S PREPARING IT.

DO THIS NEXT TIME IN YOUR BOWL.

TAKE A SPOON DIP IT IN YOUR PASTA AND JUST STIR IT.

HERE'S THE TRICK. DO NOT EAT IT.

JUST LISTEN.TEACH YOURSELF.

YOU'LL APPRECIATE ITTHAT MUCH MORE WHEN YOU EAT IT.

YEAH. TAKE A SPOON. JUST DIP IT IN.

- JUST-- [CHEESE BUBBLING]-- - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH, I GOT TO STOP. I GET HUNGRY WHEN I HEAR THAT NOISE.

I THINK EVERYBODY LIKES MACARONI AND CHEESE.

I'LL TELL YOU WHO LOVES IT. MY NEIGHBOR IN MY BUILDING.

THIS WOMAN, SHE HAD A BOWL LAST NIGHT AT 1:00 IN THE MORNING

FOR AN HOUR AND 17 GOD-AWFUL MINUTES.

I KNOW BECAUSE I HAD MY EAR UP AGAINST THE WALL.

AND ALL NIGHT LONG, ALL I HEAR-- [CHEESE BUBBLING]...

[MOANING, CHEESE BUBBLING]

SO GOOD. EAT IT.

I RAN NEXT DOOR. I WAS LIKE--[KNOCKS]-- HEY,

DON'T EAT SO FAST. YOU'RE GONNA CHOKE.

YEAH, I LOVE THAT NOISE. THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL NOISE.

I WISH THAT NOISE WAS MY RING TONE.

WHAT'S GOING ON, GUYS? I-- [CHEESE BUBBLING]

HELLO? GRANDMA, OH, GOD.

[LAUGHTER]

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