Now it's time to playDelete Your Accounts.
Delete Your Accounts.
(cheering and applause)
I think we can all agree thebest part of this election,
was Scott Baio's triumphantreturn to television, you guys.
I know you were excited,you wanted it, you got it.
Shut up, sir.
The worst part, though, waswatching the candidates
strain their butt holes tryingto pander on social media.
Millions of us were temptedto log off for good,
but let's be real, we're notgonna go back to analog porn,
so we're not going offthe Internet.
It's grainy, you can't fastforward as fast.
Early-early today-- I know yougot to switch the inputs
-when your mom walks in theroom. -CUMMINGS: Fast forward...
Yeah, yeah, fast forward.
It's like, it's like,it's like doing this
at the same time for a guy.
You're exactly right,Whitney.
I can't-- Oh, I don't...
I can't do it,I can't do any of this...
Oh, my God, I justfast forwarded my dick.
I don't know what I'm doing.
-My dick is buffering.-HARDWICK: It's buffering.
Earlier today we asked ouraudience to choose
the cringiest election momentwith our online poll.
And you guys pickedthe Trump taco bowl.
The Trump taco bowl,
which, in case you forgotabout this catastrophe,
was this right here.
Happy Cinco de Mayo.
The best taco bowls are madein Trump Tower Grill.
-I love Hispanics.-(laughter)
Well, to me, this was perfect,because every single element
was the wrong decision.
It was just a perfectconfluence of...
Uh, what do you think, guys?
It's fascinating to watcha bowl of garbage
eating a bowl of garbage.
(cheers and applause)
And that's a linefrom Superman II, as well.
Uh, do you remember?Do you remember?
When Superman gets hispowers back,
he goes backand beats that guy up.
He says, he says, I've neverseen garbage eat garbage.
There's a lot of useless factsstored up here.
I'm protecting a small part ofmy brain for me. you guys.
I guess, I just, the way he'ssaying I love Hispanics,
it makes it sound like he'seating Hispanics.
-Like, is that Hispanic meat?-HARDWICK: It might be, yeah.
TOMPKINS:It was a guy named Taco.
-And now he's in a bowl.-HARDWICK: Yeah. Ron.
Um, I know Paulwas making a joke,
but that is a solid looking tacobowl if I ever seen one.
You can see the constructionon the side is...
-Has a lot of structuralintegrity. -FUNCHES: If he wants
to be president of making tacobowls, I vote for him,
but of the country,he can kiss my ass.
-HARDWICK: All right.-(cheers and applause)
Points for Ron Funches.
Does it, does it bother anyone
that there is not a computeron his desk?
Does anyone else find that...
HARDWICK:The taco's a computer.
TOMPKINS: He doesn't use them,he doesn't use computers.
He doesn't use computers.
TOMPKINS: What a great timeto be willfully ignorant.
The other candidates-- okay,we're still at 244--
The other candidates had plentyof pukeable moments, too,
like this clipof Hillary Clinton
reaching out to millennialsand nailing it; check it out.
I don't know who createdPokémon Go.
But I'm trying to figure outhow we get them
to have Pokémon Go to the Polls.
-(audience groans)-Well... Hang on.
Uh, first of all, first of all,
Niantic did, and if you wantpeople to go to the polls,
make 'em a Pokestopand release rare Pokémon.
That's pretty easy.Rare... I mean,
that's solved, right there.Uh, comedians,
what's another app-based jokeHillary should have made?
-Paul. -I'm the most loveablecandidate you got.
Uh, who's more loveable than me?"U-- Ber-nie"?
-All right. Points. Yeah, good.-(audience chuckles)
-U-Ber-nie.-The idea was for it to be bad.
Why... why do you...Don't act like...
Paul, to be fair, I thinkeveryone's just waiting
for you to go,♪ Strike up the band
♪ The music is...
Oh, strike-strike down the band.