Matt Fulchiron - Nature's Alarm Clock

Matt Fulchiron Season 15, Ep 11 02/25/2011 Views: 4,521

Being a grown ass man means having grown ass roommates, which is grown ass disgusting. (2:13)

Don't need to be rich,right?

Just need to make enough moneyso I can go to the ATM

and look at my receiptwithout having to say

curse words...out loud.

I just need to make enoughmoney so I can cook

macaroni and cheesewith milk...

and butter.

I just need to make enoughmoney so I can live in

a neighborhood wherejust one person,

just one personspeaks English.

Is that,is that racist?

Yes, can I have that?

No, that's notavailable to me.

Not in the United Statesof America.

Maybe in Arizona, but...

I don't thinkI'm moving there.

I don't know if I havethe proper documentation.

[audience laughing]

Try to send me backIreland or some [deleted].

I do not speakthe language.

You knowwhat I mean.

Just moved inwith my girlfriend.

I tell the audiencethat up front.

I don't like girlstrying to get with me

after the show.

Trying to legally obtainhalf of all my debt.

All right--Ya'll need to back up.

We need me more securityin this room.

Love living withmy girlfriend.

'Cause I live with nothingbut dudes most of my life.

And I'm a grown ass man,

which means I've hadgrown ass men roommates

which is grown assdisgusting, all right?

Had a bald roommatebefore--

and I'm not here tomake fun of the bald.

I got my own situationgoing on, all right?

This story ain'tending well at all.

[audience laughing]

However, comma...

a bald roommate isnature's alarm clock.

Wake up, it's time to movethe [deleted] out.

Especially if yourroommate had hair

when you moved in.

Wake up, it's over.

That dream's over.

Lock down thatrelationship.

Get that job.

Register your carfor Christ sake.

Do it for Jesus.

Had messy roommates.

All roommates are messy.

Neat peopleget their own place.

This is life,welcome to it.

What are you new?

Had a roommate goingthrough the refrigerator.

He's lookingfor something to eat.

He's like, "Hey, Matt, isthis pasticcio pudding

"or is this guacamole?"

I was like,"Dude, that's bacon.

[audience laughing]

"You need to throwthat [deleted] out

"right quick, son."

[audience laughing]