Bob Marley - Atkins Diet

  • Season 11 , Ep 7
  • 02/01/2007
  • Views: 17,023

Bob could only do the Atkins diet for 11 days. (4:04)

I GOT THE WIFE. I'VE GOT THE KIDS.

I'VE GOT THE DOG. I'M SO RETARDED.

I LIKE-- I'M SO RETARDED AT THIS POINT

I DON'T EVEN KNOWWHEN WE'RE GOING PLACES.

LIKE WE WERE GOING ON VACATION,

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WE WERE GOING ON VACATION.

THIS IS HOW I FOUND OUT,MY WIFE CAME HOME

WITH SOME BATHING SUITS FOR ME TO TRY ON SHE GOES,

"TRY THESE BATHING SUITS ON." I'M LIKE, "OKAY, THANK YOU."

SO I GOT IN THE ROOM,I COULD BARELY GET THEM PASS MY KNEECAPS.

SHE'S OUT THERE YELLING AT ME, "COME OUT AND LET ME SEE THEM.

THEY DON'T FIT.""HOW DO YOU KNOWTHEY DON'T FIT?"

"BECAUSE MY TESTICLES ARE HANGING OVER THE TOP."

"JUST COME OUT AND LET ME SEE, I'LL BE THE JUDGE OF THAT."

"THERE'S NOTHING TO JUDGE, CRAZY LADY.

"IF YOUR NUTS ARE ONTHE OUTSIDE OF THE SUIT,IT'S A BAD FIT."

"JUST COME OUT AND LET ME SEE 'EM!"

SO I FINALLY WRANGLE DAD AND THE TWO BOYS INTO THE FABRIC

AND I SUCK IN MY GUT AND I FLEX AS BEST I CAN.

AND YOU KNOW I COME OUT AROUND THE CORNER,

I WANNA LOOK GOOD FOR HER, RIGHT?

SHE PICKED ME. WE'RE MARRIED. WE SLEEP TOGETHER.

I COME OUT AROUND THE CORNERWITH THE BATHING SUIT ON,

SHE LOOKS AT ME, THIS IS WHAT SHE DOES,

- READY, "OH." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?WHAT THE HELL IS, "OH"?

GUYS, YOU THINK YOU'D GET AWAY WITH DOING THAT TO THE WIFE?

IMAGINE SHE'S IN THE BATHROOM TRYING ON A BATHING SUIT.

SHE COMES SKIPPING OUT YOU'RE LIKE, WHOA!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HOW'D YOU SQUEEZE YOUR BUCKET INTO THAT PIECE OF NYLON?

YOUR STUFF WOULD BEPACKED IN THE TRUCK READY TO GO.

YOU'D BE CHILLING AT THE HOLIDAY INN.

SHE LOOKS AT ME SHE GOES "YOU HAVE GAINED SOME WEIGHT."

I WAS LIKE, "OKAY, THANK YOU."

"I'M GONNA PUT YOU ON A DIET. I'M GONNA PUT YOU

"ON A LOW CARBOHYDRATE DIET. IT'S CALLED THE ATKINS DIET.

AND ALL YOU'RE GONNA EAT IS JUST MEAT."

AND I WAS LIKE, "OKAY, GOOD, YOU GO GIRL."

I THOUGHT I'D LIKE THIS THING 'CAUSE I LIKE MEAT.

SO FOR THREE DAYS INTO IT I'D EATEN SO MUCH MEAT

I WAS PERUSING THE NEIGHBORHOOD AT 4:00AM LOOKING FOR CATS AND STUFF.

MY HEART WAS BEATING A MILLION MILES A MINUTE.

I'VE GOT BACON FAT DRIPPING OFF MY EYELASHES.

PEOPLE LIKE, "HEY, YOU LOOK PRETTY GOOD. DID YOU LOSE SOME WEIGHT?"

GET OVER HERE, I'LL EAT YOUR FACE RIGHT OFF YOUR HEAD.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I ONLY MADE IT 11 DAYS.I HAD TO QUIT.

I WAS BACKED UP LIKE THE MALL PARKING LOT AT CHRISTMASTIME.

I TOLD MY WIFE, I SAID,"I THINK I'M GONNA DIE."

"OH, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.YOU'RE NOT GONNA DIE."

"WELL, I GOTTA HAVE A PIECE OF FRUIT OR SOMETHING."

"WELL, FRUIT IS NOT ON THE DIET."

"WELL, GUESS WHAT, IT'S ON MY LIFE PLAN, NAZI.

"I'M GONNA EAT THIS APPLE RIGHT HERE.

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN,

"BUT TRUST ME WHEN I TELL YOU SOMETHING'S GONNA HAPPEN.

NOW YOU GET THE KIDS, LOAD THEM IN THE TRUCK AND GET OUT OF TOWN."

SURE ENOUGH, THREE BITES INTO MY MACINTOSH,

MY STOMACH WAS LIKE, [GROWLING NOISES].

THEN I FELT THAT SHARP PAIN. YOU EVER FEEL THAT ONE?

- I RAN AS FAST AS I COULD. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I BARELY MADE IT IN THERE. I GOT IN THERE

I WAS MAKING NOISES THAT SHOULD NOT COME OUT OF A HUMAN BEING.

IT STARTED OFF PEACEFUL, BUT IT GOT UGLY REAL QUICK.

[FARTING NOISES]

HALFWAY THROUGH IT, THIS IS WHAT I HEARD, QUACK!

- WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I GOT A DAMN DUCKCRAWLING OUT OF MY ASS.

QUACK! QUACK! OH MY GOD.

QUACK! QUACK! IT'S LIKE ASSFLACK. QUACK!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ASSFLACK, QUACK-- ASSFLACK.

I OPEN UP THE DOOR,MY FIVE YEAR'S OLD LIKE,

"DADDY, CAN I SEE THE DUCKS?" "NO, CHUCKIE."

HEY GOD BLESS, YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN GREAT. THANKS FOR COMING OUT.

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