Blacklash 2016: The Unblackening - Sarah Palin Stumps for Donald Trump

January 20, 2016 - Sarah Palin's Trump Speech & Smart Sex 01/20/2016 Views: 25,121

Sarah Palin comes out of the woodwork to endorse Donald Trump, creating an all-consuming black hole of mindlessness. (4:10)

Okay, welcome back.

Big news yesterdayon the political landscape.

Uh, I'm sorry,did I say "landscape"?

I meant "hellscape."

So let's check inwith the Unblackening.

(dramatic music playing)

I'm here to support the nextPresident of the United States,

Donald Trump!

I got to say, "Yeah, I'll go.

Send me. You betcha."

Drill, baby, drill!

How 'bout the rest of us?

Right-wingin', bitter-clingin',

proud clingers of our guns,our god, our...

and our religions,and our Constitution!

(laughter, groaning)

Is she literally drunk?

I'm not even joking, you guys.

-She sounds wasted, right?-(audience agreeing)

"Right-wingin', bitter-clingin',

proud cl..."(repressed retching)

I mean, that's not evena word salad.

That's like a wordChipotle burrito bowl with...

extra e. Coli thrown in.

By the way, I can't believethey charge you $2.50

for the e. Coli at Chipotle now.Highway robbery.

I mean, but look at them. DonaldTrump and Sarah Palin together?

It's-it'sthese two empty vessels.

I-I don't even knowhow to explain the implications

when you get that much emptinessthat close together. I...

You know what, I think I needsomeone to explain this to me

in scientific terms.So, now, it turns out

Neil deGrasse Tysonwasn't available tonight,

so please welcomehis younger, nerdier cousin,

-Jaleel deGrasse Tyson,everybody. -Thank you.

Greetings, Larry! Greetings.

-Greetings. -Thank you, Jaleel.Thanks for coming to the show.

-Thrilled to be here, uh, tomake science accessible -Great.

-for the masses!-Great.

-Uh, well, actually, Jaleel,I wanted to talk to you -Yeah.

-about politics. Yes. Okay.-Oh, of course. Yes. Yeah.

So-so can you just help meunderstand what's going on

with this Trump-Palin thing?

It's just beyondmy comprehension.

Oh, that's-that'sunderstandable, but, uh,

Larry,it's very simple astrophysics.

Really? Astrophysics?

More like "ass"-trophysics.(chuckles)

Get it?

In that Palin and Trumpare both asses.

(chuckles)

I make science humorous!

-Yes. Very nice, very nice.Okay. -Yes.

Anyway, they're both, uh,such dense pockets

of unchecked stupidity, and themass of their egos is so great

a-and their pullon the news cycle is so strong

that there's really only oneprecedent in the entire universe

-for what's happening,-Okay.

and that is the convergenceof two black holes.

You are familiar withblack holes, are you not, Larry?

-Well, yeah.-Yeah.

I mean, it...You mean a section of space

where, like... where, like,gravity is so strong

that nothing can escape?

Yes, a massive dead star.

But enough about Sarah Palin!

(chuckles)

Now we're cookingwith noble gases!

Well, in the rare event

that you've, uh, got two blackholes sharing the same region

of space-time or holdinga press conference together,

their gravitational pull is suchthat they will slowly converge

-into one massive,roiling cauldron of suck. -Okay.

-Wait... -Now, that isa scientific term, by the way.

-Wait. Wait. "Suck"?-Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

And "succubus." Yes, yes.

Very much so.

"Suck" is a scientific term?

-(laughing): Yeah.-I didn't know that. Uh...

-Oh, okay. -Well-well,what can we do about this?

-Well, there's nothingwe can do, Larry. -Uh-huh.

You know? We're way pastthe event horizon here.

But it's-it's not lightthat-that cannot escape

this black hole. No, this is...this is enlightenment.

(chuckles)You get it?

-A little science humorcoming at you. -All right.

-I-I got it.-(chuckles)

You didn't need me here, Larry!

You get science.

We have so much in common,you know?

Because, uh, we both are funny.

And, uh, we both like scienceand stuff.

Um, I agree with the second partof your sentence.

-(laughing): Oh, I seewhat you did there. -Uh... Yeah.

Jaleel deGrasse Tyson, everyone.We'll be right back.

-No, I see what you did!(cheering and applause)