BECAUSE I LIVE BY MYSELF.
AND I'M ON THE ROAD SOMETIMES
2, 3 WEEKS AT A TIME, YOU KNOW.
AND IT'D BE NICE TO HAVE SOMEONE
IN MY APARTMENT WHO'S HAPPY TO
SEE ME, YOU KNOW-SOMEBODY WHO
HAS NOT BEEN LOOKING THROUGH MY
(BLEEP).
'CAUSE WOMEN SEEM TO WANT TO
THAT ALL THE TIME.
THEY'LL LOOK THROUGH YOUR
THINGS-- HEY, WHAT ARE YOU
LOOKING FOR?
(IN A MOCK WOMAN'S VOICE)
DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO HIDE?
I'M GONNA HAVE A BODY TO HIDE
IF YOU KEEP IT UP.
(LAUGHTER)
I THINK THE PERFECT PET FOR ME
WOULD BE LIKE, A MONKEY.
'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, EVERYBODY
WANTS A MONKEY.
YOU KNOW, FROM WHEN YOU WERE
LIKE, A LITTLE KID, YOU'RE LIKE,
AH-- I'D LIKE TO HAVE A MONKEY.
YOU KNOW, JUST THINK ABOUT
HAVING A MONKEY.
THAT'D BE SO NICE.
YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO STAY THERE.
HE CAN FEED HIMSELF, OPEN THE
REFRIGERATOR, WORK THE BLENDER,
HE CAN EVEN ANSWER THE PHONE.
HE CAN'T SAY NOTHIN',
BUT HE COULD PICK IT UP...
(MAKES MONKEY SOUNDS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
AND YOU KNOW, A DOG SHOWS
EXCITEMENT, AND YOU KNOW HE'S
HAPPY, BUT A MONKEY CAN ACTUALLY
SMILE AND STUFF.
YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU WALK IN THE
DOOR AND YOU'RE LIKE--
MONKEY!
AND HE'S LIKE--
HA HA!
(LAUGHTER)
YOU HUG EACH OTHER.
WE CAN WATCH TV TOGETHER,
WATCH LIKE, DISCOVERY CHANNEL.
HE'D PROBABLY SIT THERE AND
SAY-- HEY, I KNOW HIM!
YOU DON'T KNOW HIM, MONKEY.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
I'D TAKE HIM FOR WALKS, TOO,
YOU KNOW?
BUT NO LEASH FOR MY MONKEY.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, IF I HAD A
MONKEY, I'D DRESS HIM JUST LIKE
ME.
WE'D HANG OUT, I'D TAKE HIM
TO NIGHTCLUBS AND STUFF.
I'D JUST SHAVE HIS MONKEY HAIR
OFF, GIVE HIM SOME LITTLE
LEATHER PANTS, LITTLE TIGHT
MUSCLE SHIRT.
AH, THAT'D BE NICE, TAKE HIM TO
A CLUB.
BUT, YOU KNOW, NO OFFENSE TO
ANYBODY WHO HAPPEN TO BE LIKE,
ASIAN OR LATINO, BUT THAT'S
THE TYPE OF CLUB WE'D HAVE
TO GO TO, YOU KNOW.
WE GOT TO GO TO SOMEWHERE
EVERYBODY'S SHORT.
NO, 'CAUSE IF I TAKE HIM TO A
REGULAR CLUB, SOMEBODY'S GONNA
CATCH ON.
SOMEBODY'S GONNA GO--
"HEY, THAT MIDGET LOOKS JUST
LIKE A MONKEY."
(LAUGHTER)
SEEN HIM FLIP THREE TIMES.
WHO KNOWS, HE MAY GET LUCKY!
SITTIN' AT THE BAR, DRINKING
HIS LITTLE BANANA DAIQUIRIS.
SOME DRUNK GIRL COMES UP AND
SHE'S LIKE-- "HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT
I LIKE ABOUT YOU?
YOU DON'T TALK AS MUCH AS THOSE
OTHER GUYS."
HE JUST LOOK AT HER AND GO--
HA HA!
(LAUGHTER)
'CAUSE HE CAN'T TALK.
WHO KNOWS, THEY MAY EVEN GO HOME
TOGETHER.
JUST IMAGINE THAT, THEY KISSIN',
AND MESSIN' AROUND...
OH, MY GOD.
YOU KNOW, SHE MAY TOUCH HIM.
YOU KNOW, JUST--
TOUCH HIM.
NOW, IF HE WAS A REGULAR MAN,
YOU GET HOT, YOU MIGHT THROW
YOUR WOMAN ON THE BED AND GO--
YEAH.
BUT HE'S A WILD ANIMAL.
HIS "HOT" MAY BE A LITTLE
HOTTER.
SHE TOUCH HIS LITTLE MONKEY
WIENIES...
AAAAAHHHHH!
THE HAIR ON THE BACK OF HIS NECK
STANDS UP AND HE TAKES HIS HAND
AND POPS HER RIGHT IN THE
FOREHEAD.
AND SHE JUST FALLS BACK--
OH!
YOU LIKE IT ROUGH!
(LAUGHTER)
WOMEN GET DISGUSTED,
BUT JUST THINK ABOUT IT.
HE COULD PROBABLY DO THINGS A
REGULAR MAN COULD NEVER DO.
HE CAN DO THE TRADITIONAL
DOGGY-STYLE WITHOUT EVEN PUTTING
HIS FEET ON THE GROUND.
HE'S RIGHT THERE ON YOUR BACK
(WAH-WAH-WAH)
SMACK YOUR ASS WITH HIS FOOT.
(APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER)
"HOW'D YOU DO THAT WITH
YOUR HANDS ON MY SHOULDERS?"
"I'M A MONKEY!"
HIS DISMOUNT WOULD BE COOL.
'CAUSE YOU KNOW, A REGULAR MAN,
HIS DISMOUNT IS THIS-- AH!
BUT HE'S A MONKEY, SO HE'S GOING
TO DO A LITTLE FLIP--
TA-DAH!
I'M GOING TO THE KITCHEN!
I THINK THAT'S THE END.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...