Tony Woods - Monkey Love

  • Season 5 , Ep 8
  • 08/19/2001
  • Views: 9,344

A monkey at a club might get lucky with a girl. (4:12)

BECAUSE I LIVE BY MYSELF.

AND I'M ON THE ROAD SOMETIMES

2, 3 WEEKS AT A TIME, YOU KNOW.

AND IT'D BE NICE TO HAVE SOMEONE

IN MY APARTMENT WHO'S HAPPY TO

SEE ME, YOU KNOW-SOMEBODY WHO

HAS NOT BEEN LOOKING THROUGH MY

(BLEEP).

'CAUSE WOMEN SEEM TO WANT TO

THAT ALL THE TIME.

THEY'LL LOOK THROUGH YOUR

THINGS-- HEY, WHAT ARE YOU

LOOKING FOR?

(IN A MOCK WOMAN'S VOICE)

DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO HIDE?

I'M GONNA HAVE A BODY TO HIDE

IF YOU KEEP IT UP.

(LAUGHTER)

I THINK THE PERFECT PET FOR ME

WOULD BE LIKE, A MONKEY.

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, EVERYBODY

WANTS A MONKEY.

YOU KNOW, FROM WHEN YOU WERE

LIKE, A LITTLE KID, YOU'RE LIKE,

AH-- I'D LIKE TO HAVE A MONKEY.

YOU KNOW, JUST THINK ABOUT

HAVING A MONKEY.

THAT'D BE SO NICE.

YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO STAY THERE.

HE CAN FEED HIMSELF, OPEN THE

REFRIGERATOR, WORK THE BLENDER,

HE CAN EVEN ANSWER THE PHONE.

HE CAN'T SAY NOTHIN',

BUT HE COULD PICK IT UP...

(MAKES MONKEY SOUNDS)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

AND YOU KNOW, A DOG SHOWS

EXCITEMENT, AND YOU KNOW HE'S

HAPPY, BUT A MONKEY CAN ACTUALLY

SMILE AND STUFF.

YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU WALK IN THE

DOOR AND YOU'RE LIKE--

MONKEY!

AND HE'S LIKE--

HA HA!

(LAUGHTER)

YOU HUG EACH OTHER.

WE CAN WATCH TV TOGETHER,

WATCH LIKE, DISCOVERY CHANNEL.

HE'D PROBABLY SIT THERE AND

SAY-- HEY, I KNOW HIM!

YOU DON'T KNOW HIM, MONKEY.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I'D TAKE HIM FOR WALKS, TOO,

YOU KNOW?

BUT NO LEASH FOR MY MONKEY.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, IF I HAD A

MONKEY, I'D DRESS HIM JUST LIKE

ME.

WE'D HANG OUT, I'D TAKE HIM

TO NIGHTCLUBS AND STUFF.

I'D JUST SHAVE HIS MONKEY HAIR

OFF, GIVE HIM SOME LITTLE

LEATHER PANTS, LITTLE TIGHT

MUSCLE SHIRT.

AH, THAT'D BE NICE, TAKE HIM TO

A CLUB.

BUT, YOU KNOW, NO OFFENSE TO

ANYBODY WHO HAPPEN TO BE LIKE,

ASIAN OR LATINO, BUT THAT'S

THE TYPE OF CLUB WE'D HAVE

TO GO TO, YOU KNOW.

WE GOT TO GO TO SOMEWHERE

EVERYBODY'S SHORT.

NO, 'CAUSE IF I TAKE HIM TO A

REGULAR CLUB, SOMEBODY'S GONNA

CATCH ON.

SOMEBODY'S GONNA GO--

"HEY, THAT MIDGET LOOKS JUST

LIKE A MONKEY."

(LAUGHTER)

SEEN HIM FLIP THREE TIMES.

WHO KNOWS, HE MAY GET LUCKY!

SITTIN' AT THE BAR, DRINKING

HIS LITTLE BANANA DAIQUIRIS.

SOME DRUNK GIRL COMES UP AND

SHE'S LIKE-- "HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT

I LIKE ABOUT YOU?

YOU DON'T TALK AS MUCH AS THOSE

OTHER GUYS."

HE JUST LOOK AT HER AND GO--

HA HA!

(LAUGHTER)

'CAUSE HE CAN'T TALK.

WHO KNOWS, THEY MAY EVEN GO HOME

TOGETHER.

JUST IMAGINE THAT, THEY KISSIN',

AND MESSIN' AROUND...

OH, MY GOD.

YOU KNOW, SHE MAY TOUCH HIM.

YOU KNOW, JUST--

TOUCH HIM.

NOW, IF HE WAS A REGULAR MAN,

YOU GET HOT, YOU MIGHT THROW

YOUR WOMAN ON THE BED AND GO--

YEAH.

BUT HE'S A WILD ANIMAL.

HIS "HOT" MAY BE A LITTLE

HOTTER.

SHE TOUCH HIS LITTLE MONKEY

WIENIES...

AAAAAHHHHH!

THE HAIR ON THE BACK OF HIS NECK

STANDS UP AND HE TAKES HIS HAND

AND POPS HER RIGHT IN THE

FOREHEAD.

AND SHE JUST FALLS BACK--

OH!

YOU LIKE IT ROUGH!

(LAUGHTER)

WOMEN GET DISGUSTED,

BUT JUST THINK ABOUT IT.

HE COULD PROBABLY DO THINGS A

REGULAR MAN COULD NEVER DO.

HE CAN DO THE TRADITIONAL

DOGGY-STYLE WITHOUT EVEN PUTTING

HIS FEET ON THE GROUND.

HE'S RIGHT THERE ON YOUR BACK

(WAH-WAH-WAH)

SMACK YOUR ASS WITH HIS FOOT.

(APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER)

"HOW'D YOU DO THAT WITH

YOUR HANDS ON MY SHOULDERS?"

"I'M A MONKEY!"

HIS DISMOUNT WOULD BE COOL.

'CAUSE YOU KNOW, A REGULAR MAN,

HIS DISMOUNT IS THIS-- AH!

BUT HE'S A MONKEY, SO HE'S GOING

TO DO A LITTLE FLIP--

TA-DAH!

I'M GOING TO THE KITCHEN!

I THINK THAT'S THE END.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...

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