Daniel Tosh - Best in Show

Daniel Tosh: Happy Thoughts Season 1, Ep 101 03/06/2011 Views: 89,921

When Daniel Tosh sees a group of women on the street, he likes to pretend that he is a judge at a dog show. (1:52)

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LET'S SAY SHE'S 19.

THERE'S NO BOUNCERIN MY BEDROOM.

YOU'RE IN.

SHE SAYS TO MEDURING THE ACT OF LOVEMAKING,

"HEY, DANIEL, WHAT'S IT LIKEHAVING SEX WITH A CONDOM ON?"

I'M LIKE,"HOW SHOULD I KNOW?"

I DIDN'T SAY THAT.WE NEED TIME MACHINES.

WHAT I SAIDWAS WAY LESS ROMANTIC.

I SAID, "OH.

IT'S A LOT LIKE PICKING UPDOG [bleep] WITH A BAG,"

WHICH I THOUGHT THEN AND THINKNOW IS A SPOT-ON ANALOGY.

LIKE, YOU KNOWTHERE'S DOG POO IN YOUR HAND,

BUT YOU DON'T FREAK OUT.

[laughter]

[applause]

SOMETIMES WHEN I'M OUT AT NIGHTAND I SEE A GROUP OF WOMEN,

I LIKE TO WALK UP TO 'EMAND PRETEND THAT I'M A JUDGE

AT A DOG SHOW.

AND I JUST GO,"MM.

"THIRD, SECOND, FIRST...

IN THAT ORDER!"

[applause]

THEY LOVE IT.

THEY WANT TO BE JUDGED.

THEY SPEND A LOT OF TIMEGETTING READY.

THERE'S NOT A GIRL IN HERE THATWOULDN'T LIKE TO GO HOME TONIGHT

WITH A BLUE RIBBON ON.

HER FRIEND'S LIKE, "WHERE DIDYOU GET THAT UGLY RIBBON?"

"OH, SOME GUY AT THE BARTHOUGHT I WON."

"KATIE DIDN'T EVEN PLACE.I KNOW.

IT'S CRAZY."

IF I SEEA REALLY HOT CHICK,

I'LL GRAB HER BY THE CROTCHAND THE THROAT

AND BE LIKE,"BEST IN SHOW."

LITTLE HEAVY.

SHOULD HAVE PICKED ONEFROM THE TOY GROUP.

BIG CAN BE BEAUTIFUL, OKAY?

JUST NOT TO ME.

I FIND YOU DISGUSTING.

FRESHMAN 15'SNOT A LIFE SENTENCE.