John Heffron - Misinformed

  • Season 11, Ep 2
  • 01/11/2007
  • Views: 7,589

John advises all men to lie during marriage counseling. (2:42)

WHICH WAS WEIRD'CAUSE I'M LIKE,

"BUT WE'RE MARRIED,

"I THOUGHTWE WERE DONE WITH THAT.

I THOUGHT WE DID THE THING THAT WILL END ALL THIS TALK."

I THINK I WAS MISINFORMED. THAT'S LIKE

DECLARING BANKRUPTCYAND STILL HAVING BILLS,

- LIKE, YOU KNOW, RIGHT? - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO, WE'VE BEEN GOING TO COUNSELING,

AND BY THE WAY, FELLAS, YOU EVER GO TO COUNSELING,

MAY I URGE YOU TO LIETHE ENTIRE TIME YOU'RE IN THERE.

AND THAT'S ALL I'LL SAY ABOUT THAT.

NOTHING BENEFITS YOU FROM TELLING THE TRUTH EVER.

IF YOU GET ONE THING OUT OF THIS SPECIAL, THAT'S IT.

SO HERE'S WHAT MY WIFE SAID. MY WIFE SAID SHE GOES,

"JOHN, IT FEELS LIKE YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED IN MY LIFE.

"I TELL YOU STORIES ABOUT THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO ME

"THROUGHOUT THE DAY AND IT SEEMSLIKE YOU'RE JUST NOT INTERESTED.

"AND I CAN SEE YOU PHYSICALLY LEAVING YOUR BODY WHEN I'M TELLING YOU A STORY

"AND I HANG ONEVERY WORD THAT YOU SAY,

BUT YOU MAKE ME FEEL AS IF YOU DON'T CARE."

OKAY, LADIES, LET ME-- I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PUT THIS.

WE'RE INTO YOUR STORIES. OKAY?

BUT YOU NEED TO MAKE THEM SHORTER.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

I DON'T KNOW HOW ELSE TO TELL YOU.

LADIES, YOU GOTTA FIGURE YOUR GUY'S GOT ABOUT A GOOD MINUTE-TEN LISTENING TIME.

SO WITH THAT, YOU GOTTA WORK WITH THAT TIME CONSTRAINT.

AND YOU NEED TO FRONT LOAD THE CONVERSATION

WITH ALL THE IMPORTANTINFO AND FACTS YOU THINKHE NEEDS TO KNOW, RIGHT?

MINUTE-TEN. HERE'S A GOOD RULE OF THUMB:

TALK TO YOUR GUY AS IF YOUR CELL PHONE'S ABOUT TO DIE.

YOU HEAR IT CHIRPING, RIGHT, MINUTE-TEN.

"DINNER, TUESDAY, 8:30, YOU'RE GOING."

- GREAT STORY.- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THAT WAS A GOOD STORY.

BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT MY WIFE DOES.

WHAT MY WIFE DOES IS, REMEMBER MY FRIEND,SARA, FROM HIGH SCHOOL?

I TOLD YOU ABOUT HER, RIGHT? SHE WAS A LITTLE BIT HEAVY,

BUT NOW SHE'S LOST WEIGHT. SHE LOOKS REALLY GOOD.

LET'S GO TO HER WEBPAGE, I'LL SHOW YOU A PICTURE OF HER.

THAT'S HER WITH HER BROTHER. I WENT TO PROM WITH HIM.

DON'T BE A DICKIF YOU MEET HIM.

ANYWAY THEY'RE COMING IN MONDAY OR TUESDAY,

WE'RE GONNA HAVE JUST A GIRL DAY AND THEN WE'RE GONNA--

ARE YOU LISTENING? HELLO? HELLO?

YEAH, I'M GOING TO PROM WITH SOME GUY ON TUESDAY?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW.

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