Pete Holmes - Haunted Apartment

  • Season 1 , Ep 3
  • 01/22/2010
  • Views: 15,210

There are so many people in NYC that it's impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted. (3:14)

I JUST--I LIVE HEREIN NEW YORK CITY.

(cheers and applause)YEAH.

I LIVE IN BUSHWICK.I LIVE IN BUSHWICK.

(cheers)

TRUE. OKAY.WELCOME, BROTHERS.

(laughter)

I'D SAY EAST WILLIAMSBURGBUT I'M NOT LISTING IT

ON CRAIGSLIST JUST YET.(laughter)

NOT YET!

I LOVE LIVINGIN NEW YORK CITY, THOUGH.

ANY PART OF THE CITY,ANY BIG CITY, REALLY.

BECAUSE THERE'S SO MANYPEOPLE IN THE CITY.

SO MUCH HAPPENING,

THAT IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO TELLIF YOUR APARTMENT IS HAUNTED...

(laughter)

THINK ABOUT THAT.THAT'S TRUE.

'CAUSE YOU CAN HEAR ANYTHINGAT ANY HOUR.

THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHINGTO BLAME IT ON.

IT CAN BE MIDNIGHT,

HEAR SOMEONE WALKINGAROUND MOANING WITH CHAINS.

(laughter)

YOU'LL BE LIKE, "AHH!

OLD MAN ROSENTHAL!"

(laughter)

OUT FOR ONE OF HIS KINKYMIDNIGHT CHAIN WALKS.

IT CAN BE ANYTHING,THE WALLS CAN BE ON FIRE,

THINGS FLYING AROUND THE ROOM,WINDOWS BREAKING,

JUST LIKE, "OH,PUERTO RICO WON."

THEN I GO BACK TO BED.(laughter)

(applause)

GO BACK TO SLEEP.

FESTIVE GROUP.

(laughter)

I WAS FEELING A LITTLE LOWENERGY BEFORE THE SHOW.

I HAD AN ENERGY DRINK.I DON'T KNOW IF YOU SEEN THIS.

YOU KNOW HOW THEY HAVE5 HOUR ENERGY?

THEY GOT A NEW ONE NOWCALLED 6 HOUR POWER.

RIGHT NEXT TO IT, JUST LIKE,"SCREW YOU, 5 HOUR ENERGY!

"YOU NEED 6 HOURS,

"60 MORE MINUTESOF ALERTNESS!

"THAT LAST HOURWHEN YOU'RE TIRED,

"YOU'RE GONNA GET VIOLATEDBY A YETI!

"YOU NEED 6 HOURS OF POWER

TO WARD OFF HIS WOODLANDADVANCES!"

(laughter)

I WAS GONNA TRY IT.I'M BEING HONEST WITH YOU.

I WAS GONNA TRY IT,REACH FOR IT, HAND TREMBLING.

UNTIL I SAW ON THE PACKAGEIT SAID, "2.5 TIMES STRONGER

THAN RED BULL."

(nervous laughter)YEAH.

WHO WAS DRINKINGRED BULL...

LIKE, YEAH...

PRETTY STRONG.

(laughter)

BUT THEY COULD KICKTHIS UP 2--

NAY.

2 AND A HALF MORE TIMES.

(laughter and applause)

'CAUSE I DON'T HAVE PARANOIAAND DIARRHEA IMMEDIATELY.

I'M LOOKING FOR FIRST SIP--SOIL MYSELF...(laughter)

THINK THAT GUY'S A NAZI.

THAT'S THE KIND OF PERFORMANCEI'M LOOKING FOR...

IN AN ENERGY DRINK.

I'M WAITING FOR THE NEXT ONE,JUST--

7 HOURULTIMATE FACE ORGASM!

"DRINK IT,YOU SLEEPY BITCH!"

RIGHT ON THE PACKAGE.WHY?

WHY ARE YOU SPEAKING TO USTHIS WAY?

(laughter)

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