Obama Says Goodbye & Trump (Allegedly) Gets a "Golden Shower"

January 11, 2017 - Jonathan Chait 01/11/2017 Views: 42,544

President Obama delivers his farewell address, and BuzzFeed leaks a dossier claiming that Russian hackers have video evidence of Donald Trump engaging in urine play. (7:49)

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Last night, the first and last

first black president of theUnited States said his good-bye

to 20,000of his closest friends.

And you could tell

Obama was really the presidentof millennials,

because the entire speechseemed like one giant subtweet.

-(cheering)-Democracy does require...

a basic sense of solidarity.

We weaken those tieswhen we define some of us

as more American than others.

...when we sit back

and blame the leaders we elect

without examining our own rolein electing them.

It falls to each of us

to be those anxious, jealousguardians of our democracy.

If something needs fixing,

then lace up your shoesand do some organizing.

If you're tired of arguingwith strangers on the Internet,

try talking with one of themin real life.

(laughter)

Okay, this guy has clearlynever been catfished before.

(laughter)

Look, I don't say this often,

but I do not agreewith the president.

Do not meet people that you'veargued with on the Internet.

It will end with you bleedingin an alley.

-(laughter)-Don't do it. Don't do it.

You know, last night's speechfelt less

like a farewell address,

and more like a parentwho's going on vacation

telling his kids how to behavewhile he's away.

He's like,"Right, American kids,

"um, uh, race relations--

"you'll find thosein the fridge.

"Uh, make sure you knowthe Supreme Court justice

"before you let him in.

"Uh, and, uh, your baby-sitter--yeah, uh, he's coming soon.

"Uh, stop complaining.You chose him. You chose him.

"Do what he says, butif he asks you to take a shower,

"you should probably say no.Probably say no.

That's what you should do,probably say no."

(laughter)

Can I just take a second here,guys?

Like, how is...how is all of this real?

(laughter)

No. Like, how is this politics?

How is thiswhat we're talking about?

'Cause what happened yesterday--

I mean, you could not havea bigger juxtaposition

between the presidentAmerica is losing

and the presidentAmerica is gaining.

Like, did you knowthat last night,

the number one trending topic onTwitter was "Obama Farewell."

And the second trending topic--

no kidding--was "golden showers."

(laughter)

Now, I don't know if I need to,but I'll explain anyway.

(laughter)

Last night, right aboutwhen Obama was speaking,

BuzzFeed leakedan unconfirmed report

that claimed that Russia hasblackmail material

on Donald Trump which includesdamaging financial

and personal details about him.

Now, if it's true, the financialstuff is bad enough,

but the personal is what's gotthe people going,

because it claims

that Donald Trumponce visited Russia,

stayed in the Ritz-Carltonin Moscow,

and then hired prostitutesto perform a golden shower.

And that Russia might havethe whole thing on tape.

(laughter)

Yeah, and now,we don't know if this is true.

But if the Donald couldshake America to its core

with an audio tape,

imagine what he could dowith video.

(laughter)

You know whatthe worst part of the story is?

Because the storytrended worldwide,

-this morning, I got a call...-(laughter)

Oh, is...are you looking at that?

(laughter)

I can't front, it's funny,I can't front, it is.

I'll-I'll tell you whythis is the worst thing for me.

Because this morning I gota call from my African uncle

with a question.

He was like,

(African accent):"Trevor...

what is a golden shower?"

(laughter)

"Yes. Mm-hmm.

"And then?

But I thought you guyshad toilets over there."

(laughter)

Now, just to be clear, thereis no proof any of this is true.

But because it's Donald Trump,

it feels like anythingis possible.

I mean, this is the same personwho grabs pussies.

He walks in on girlsgetting changed.

And if you were to choosea sexual act

that Donald Trump prefers,it would probably be the one

with "gold" in the title.

You'd think...and it all makes sense.

And now, because of this,everything from Trump's past

takes on a different meaning.

Like his hotel adfrom a few years ago

where he says that he nevermisses a "golden opportunity."

-(laughter)-That's his own ad!

All of this,all of this is like Keyser Söze,

like-like now we flash backthrough everything,

and suddenly we realizewhat, maybe, it all meant.

Like for instance, remember howTrump had that weird business

where people hadto send him their pee?

NEWSMAN: The Trump Network relied on participants to sell

health supplements and other products

person to person.

NEWSWOMAN: A key product was personalized vitamins,

supposedly tailored to each customer

after they sent their urine to a lab for analysis.

(audience groaning)

(laughter)

Now, look, now, look,that seems disgusting,

but at least back then DonaldTrump was getting American pee.

Now he's outsourcing itto Russia.

And again, and again,this is all unsubstantiated.

Right? And we shouldn'tbe wasting our time here.

But what elsecan you talk about?

What elsecan you talk about today?

I mean, what, you'regonna talk about Jeff Sessions

being nominatedfor attorney general

and the fact that Republicansare trying to confirm a man

with a historyof opposing civil rights

to run the Justice Department?

We could talk about that,but how can you concentrate

on anything...when you hear about Trump

possibly being involvedin water sports

and then you see this?

(others laughing,clapping, whooping)

-WOMAN: Wow!-(Trump groans)

(laughter)

-Was that water?-(laughter)

Because thenthat's a real challenge.

#TrumpChallenge.Don't send us your videos.

-I, uh...-(laughter)

I feel so bad for Donald Trump,

because now every single memoryof his is gonna be tarnished.

Like this momentfrom the debates.

I would bring backwaterboarding,

and I'd bring back a hell ofa lot worse than waterboarding.

(laughter, groaning)

NOAH: This poor guy,he can't even be celebrated

without us thinkinghe's getting peed on.

NEWSMAN: President-elect Donald Trump

left Trump Tower this morning...

bound for the airport where his plane was given

a so-called "water salute."

(laughter)

A "water salute."

Now, you see, I want to believe

that Trump was sittingin his chair

and not standingat the cockpit window like...

(laughter)

I feel like if Trumpshakes his head,

his hair will stayin the same place.

And, you know what, I...I personally think it's terrible

that people are spreadingan unconfirmed rumor

that Donald Trump likesgolden showers.

It's disgusting!

It would be like suggestingthat President Obama

was a secret Muslimborn in Kenya.

Or suggesting thatHillary Clinton was a murderer.

Or saying that Ted Cruz's dadkilled John F. Kennedy,

which is not true!

Only thing he killedwas his smile.

How could anyone justifyspreading rumors

they know are completely false?

All I did is point out the fact

that on the coverof the National Enquirer

there's a pictureof her... him...

and crazy Lee Harvey Oswald...

I'm not saying he did it,

but I'm just sayingit was all over the place.

Was there a birth certificate?You tell me.

You know, some people say thatwas not his birth certificate.

I'm saying I don't know.Nobody knows.

Exactly. Nobody knows.

So did Donald Trump payprostitutes for a golden shower?

I don't know.

-Nobody knows.-(laughter)

But a lot of people are talking.

-Including my uncle.-(laughter)