Amy Schumer - Blog About It

  • Season 14 , Ep 14
  • 01/11/2010
  • Views: 77,220

The girls from the MTV show "The Hills" burn calories by trying to form thoughts. (3:01)

SO, UM...

YEAH, OUR LITTLE SECRET.

BUT THERE'S SO MUCH PRESSUREFOR WOMEN TO BE SKINNY, RIGHT?

WE TURN ON THE TV,AND WHO DO WE SEE?

WE SEE, LIKE, THE GIRLSFROM "THE HILLS," RIGHT,

TRY TO FORM THOUGHTS.

THAT'S HOW THEY BURNTHEIR CALORIES.

LITTLE HEIDI'S HEAD'SGONNA EXPLODE.

OR, UH -- OR WE SEE PARIS HILTONWITH THE CHIHUAHUA.

WHAT'S ITS NAME?NICOLE RICHIE?

IT'S HARD.

IT'S HARD.

AND THE WAY THAT THESE GIRLSKEEP THEMSELVES SKINNY

IS AWFUL, ISN'T IT?

BY VOMITING OR USING HARD DRUGS,WHICH I CAN'T AFFORD, SO...

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S HARD.

UM, BUT -- NO, USUALLYI FEEL PRETTY GOOD ABOUT MYSELF.

LIKE, I KNOW WHAT I LOOK LIKE.

LIKE, YOU'D BANG MEBUT YOU WOULDN'T BLOG ABOUT IT.

I GET IT.

I'M FINE WITH IT.

YOU WON'T BE TWITTERING, LIKE,

"YOU WON'T BELIEVEWHO I'M INSIDE," BUT IT'S FINE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M OKAY.

I'M FINE.

BUT IT'S HARD 'CAUSE I JUST WENTTHROUGH A BREAKUP, ACTUALLY.

AND I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUTMEETING SOMEONE ELSE

OR BEING LONELY.

I'M JUST, LIKE, WORRIED ABOUTALL THE PICTURES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT MY MOM ALWAYS TOLD ME,

YOU KNOW,EVER SINCE I WAS A LITTLE GIRL,

YOU KNOW, "NEVER PUT YOUR FACEIN THEM," SO...

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT ALWAYS SPLITS THE AUDIENCE.

I FIND OUTWHERE THE SLUTTIES ARE.

THERE'S ONE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

GOOD JOB.

OH, GOD.

BUT MY MOM'S ALWAYS SAYINGREALLY SMART THINGS LIKE THAT.

LIKE,YOU PROBABLY HEARD THIS ONE --

WHY BUY THE COWWHEN THE MILK HAS HPV?

YEAH.

WISH I'D LISTENED TO THAT ONE.BUT HERE WE ARE.

I WANT TO BE ONE LESS,BUT I'M NOT.

THANKS FOR NOTHING, GARDASIL!DING!

DO YOU KNOW WHAT HPV IS?

YOU WILL.

IT'S THIS FUN PARTY DISEASE,GUYS.

PEOPLE ARE LIKE,"WHO BROUGHT THE HPV?"

I'M LIKE, "THIS GIRL!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

EVERY COUPLE MONTHS, ONE OFMY GIRLFRIENDS WILL CALL ME,

CRYING HER EYES OUT --WITHOUT FAIL, CRYING --

"AME, I JUST FOUND OUTI HAVE HPV.

I FEEL LIKE SUCH A WHORE."

I'M LIKE, "WHAT ABOUTYOU SLEEPING WITH THESWIM TEAM IN COLLEGE?

LIKE, THAT DIDN'T RINGTHE WHORE BELL?"

BUT NOW YOU KNOW.[ CHUCKLES ]

YOU DON'T KNOWWHAT YOU CAN CATCH OUT THERE.

LET ME SAY SOMETHING NORMALAND NOT HORRIBLE.

I, UH --I HATE FALSE ADVERTISING, OKAY?

I DO.

LIKE, "SKITTLES --TASTE THE RAINBOW," RIGHT?

NO ONE'S EVER BEEN LIKE,"RAINBOW -- RIGHT, YOU GUYS?"

OR, UH, WHAT'S REESE'S?

OH, "THERE'S NO WRONG WAYTO EAT A REESE'S."

REALLY?LIKE, TELL THAT TO MY UNCLE.

HE USED TO PUT THEMIN MY UNDERWEAR, RIGHT?

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

ALL RIGHT, MAYBE YOUR UNCLESDIDN'T LOVE YOU.

THINK ABOUT IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NO, I'M -- I'M SORRY.THAT'S AN INSIDE JOKE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

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