Al Madrigal - Sand Toys

  • Season 9 , Ep 21
  • 06/30/2005
  • Views: 7,168

Don't bring your child's sand toys to the park. (2:28)

LONG STORY SHORT, NO WIGGLES.

DON'T LET YOUR KID WATCH THE

WIGGLES IF I CAN GIVE YOU GUYS

SOME ADVICE.

ALSO, DON'T BRING YOUR SAND

TOYS.

DON'T BRING YOUR SAND TOYS

TO THE PARK.

THAT'S ANOTHER BAD MOVE.

'CAUSE I GO TO THE PARK AND

I'M ON THE VICODEN, RIGHT?

AND A LITTLE WEED TOO LET'S

FACE IT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO I GO IN THERE, AND MY WIFE'S

"BRING THE SAND TOYS.

BRING THE SAND TOYS."

AND WE DUMP THE SAND TOYS DOWN

AND I KNOW WHAT HAPPENS EVERY,

SINGLE TIME.

I GOTTA PLAY SAND TOY REPO MAN,

RIGHT?

FROM THE EIGHT LITTLE KIDS THAT

RUN OFF IN NINE DIFFERENT

DIRECTIONS WITH MY SAND TOYS.

AND THEN I GOTTA WRESTLE THE

SAND TOY AND MY SHOVEL AWAY

FROM A SURLY ARMENIAN BABY,

RIGHT?

I DON'T WANNA DO THAT.

AND I KNOW I SAID THERE'S A

LOTTA BROWN, HYBRID STUFF BUT

I CAN TELL THESE KIDS ARE

ARMENIAN.

HE'S LIKE 15 MONTHS OLD.

HE'S GOT UNIBROW FULL ACROSS

ALREADY.

AND HE'S GOT A LITTLE MOCK

TURTLENECK HE WEARS,

GOLD CHAINS SIPPIN' A STARBUCKS,

RIGHT?

TRYIN' TO RENT OUT PIECES OF

THE PLAY STRUCTURE TO OTHER

BABIES, RIGHT?

HE'S LIKE GOOD VIEW OF SLIDE.

YOU BUY."

HE WEARS A SWEAT SUIT AND HIS

STROLLER HAS RIMS.

THAT'S HOW I KNOW THAT THIS IS

AN ARMENIAN BABY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO THEN I GO AND I TRY TO GET

MY SHOVEL BACK.

I'M LIKE, "GO AHEAD, LOOK,

THERE PAL.

IT'S TIME FOR US TO GO.

I NEED MY SHOVEL."

HE'S LIKE "NO, IT'S MY SHOVEL."

THEN I WHISPER TO HIM, TOO.

I SAY, "LOOK THERE, BUDDY--

BITCH FACE.

[LAUGHTER]

WANNA BRING A DIG YOU BRING YOUR

OWN STUFF, MAN."

AND HE SAID, "I DIG YOUR GRAVE!

I'LL DIG YOUR GRAVE!"

THEN YOU GET TO WRESTLE IT AWAY

FROM HIM.

AND THE WORST AT THE PARK ARE

THESE BEST-IN-SHOW MOMS, RIGHT,

THAT ARE PARADING THEIR BABIES

AROUND NAMED CAITLIN AND

CASSIDY.

AND THEY'RE OUT THERE.

AND MY BABY DOESN'T DO MUCH.

LIKE I STARTED TO TELL YOU HE

DANCES, DANCES LIKE THIS.

[LAUGHTER]

NO MUSIC AT ALL.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

HE ALSO SAYS--

YOU COULD SAY, "ARE YOU A

MONSTER?

ARE YOU A MONSTER?"

THEN HE'LL GO, "UGH-GH-GH."

AND THAT'S IT.

THAT'S ALL HE DOES.

[LAUGHTER]

THEN I GOTTA DEAL WITH SHOW-OFF

MOM.

LIKE IT'S THE WESTMINSTER DOG

SHOW PARADING CASSIDY AROUND,

RIGHT.

"HEY, LOOK WHAT CASSIDY CAN DO

TODAY.

LOOK AT CASSIDY.

SHE SAYS HER NAME."

"OH, I'M CASSIDY.

THIS IS CASSIDY'S NOSE.

THIS IS CASSIDY'S NOSE."

LIKE ALL RIGHT.

WE GET IT.

WE GET IT, RIGHT.

MEANWHILE MY BABY'S

"UGH-UGH-UGH."

ALL RIGHT.

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