Tony Woods - Little Red Riding Hood

  • Season 5 , Ep 8
  • 08/19/2001
  • Views: 11,046

The big bad wolf died with a dress on. (4:25)

LAUGHING.

THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE SERIOUS,

BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO, YOU KNOW,

BS Y'ALL TONIGHT.

I WANTED IT TO BE, YOU KNOW,

SERIOUS.

I WANTED TO KEEP IT ON

THE LEVEL, 'CAUSE PEOPLE,

PEOPLE BS YOU ALL YOUR LIFE.

LIKE, FROM LITTLE KID STATUS ON

UP.

I KNOW 'CAUSE I WAS BABYSITTING

A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO.

OK...I WASN'T BABYSITTING,

I WAS TRYING TO SLEEP WITH THIS

WOMAN.

SHE WAS BABYSITTING.

(LAUGHTER)

SO THAT AUTOMATICALLY MADE ME

HER ASSISTANT.

AND YOU KNOW, OF COURSE YOU

GOTTA PUT THE KIDS ASLEEP

AND WE TRIED EVERYTHING.

I SMOKED BLUNTS IN THEIR FACES,

I GAVE THEM HENNESSEY...

NOTHIN' WORKED.

THEY WERE STILL JUMPIN' AROUND.

ONE OF THE KIDS COMES OUT OF

THE BACK WITH A STORYBOOK,

AND HE'S LIKE--

HEY, READ US A STORY.

AND I READ THEM

"LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD".

I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT THAT

STORY.

YOU EVER?

THAT IS A HORRIFYING STORY.

IT IS!

AND IT'S SUPPOSE TO BE LIKE,

A KID'S STORY.

AND YOU, THINK ABOUT THE STORY.

AND YOU KNOW, AT FIRST THERE'S

THIS GIRL, IT'S LIKE, YOU KNOW,

RED RIDING HOOD.

SHE'S LIKE A TRICK.

'CAUSE SHE WEARS, LIKE,

LITTLE "HOT PANTS" AND STUFF.

YOU KNOW, THE BIG PUSH-UP BRA

AND A LITTLE HOOD LIKE SOME

SUPER-HERO STRIPPER OR

SOMETHING.

AND YOU REMEMBER, SHE'S LIKE,

SKIPPING THROUGH THE WOOD

AND STUFF, SHE TEASIN'

ALL THE WOODSMEN...

"HI, WOODSMEN!"

AND THEY'RE LIKE--

WHAT'S UP, BITCH?!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

OKAY, SHE DIDN'T HEAR THEM SAY

THAT, BUT I WANT WOMEN HERE TO

KNOW THAT'S WHAT MEN ALWAYS SAY

TO YOU.

WHEN YOU SPEAK TO US FROM A

DISTANCE.

LIKE, YOU GO--

"HEY, TONY!"

"WHAT'S UP, BITCH?!"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

IT'S JUST HOW WE FEEL SOMETIMES.

AND SHE'S SKIPPIN' THROUGH THE

WOODS, REMEMBER, BUT REMEMBER

BEFORE SHE GETS TO HER

GRANDMOTHER'S HOUSE,

YOU REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENS.

THE WOLF WAS THERE.

AND HE ATE HER GRANDMOTHER.

THAT IS TERRIBLE--

HE ATE HER GRANDMOTHER.

MOST PEOPLE SAY--

MY GRANDMOTHER PASSED--

WHAT HAPPENED, MAN?

HEART ATTACK?

STROKE?

NAH, MAN-- THE WOLF ATE HER.

WHAT?

HOW DID HE GET IN THE BUILDING?

I DON'T KNOW WHO BUZZED HIM IN!

(APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER)

AND RED CAME IN AND SHE PULLED

THE COVERS BACK AND SHE DID WHAT

A LOT OF WOMEN DO.

LOT OF WOMEN USE "STUPID"

AS A SELF-DEFENSE MECHANISM.

LIKE, YOU KNOW, YOU GET IN THE

ELEVATOR, IT'S JUST YOU AND

ONE WOMAN.

YOU GO-- HEY, HOW YOU DOIN'?

WHO ME?

I SHOULD POKE YOU IN YOUR EYE.

(LAUGHTER)

AND SHE GOES-- OH, GRANDMOMMA!

WHAT BIG EYES YOU HAVE!

YOU KNOW THIS AIN'T YOUR

GRANDMOTHER.

AND SHE KEPT ON-- HEY, GRAMMA,

WHAT BIG TEETH YOU HAVE!

AND THE WOLF IS LIKE,

I'M TIRED OF PLAYIN' WITCHOO.

SO HE JUMPED UP, BUT HE COULDN'T

GET OUT AS QUICK AS HE COULD

'CAUSE HE HAD THE DRESS ON,

AND SHE TOOK OFF.

"WHOO!"

THAT'S HER RUNNIN'.

SHE ONLY HAD FROM HERE TO THAT

WALL TO GET OUT OF THE PLACE.

BUT REMEMBER--

SHE'S A WHITE WOMAN IN A SCARY

SITUATION.

(LAUGHTER)

SHE FELL.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THAT IS BAD TIMING, RED.

YOU JUST SKIPPED 2 MILES THROUGH

THE WOODS, NOW YOU GONNA FALL IN

THE LIVING ROOM.

AND THE WOLF IS ABOUT TO GET

HER, HE'S LIKE GRAAAAA!

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GO "OH!"

I'M GONNA DO IT AGAIN-- GRAAAAA!

(OOOHHHH!)

THERE YOU GO!

AND RIGHT WHEN HE'S ABOUT TO GET

HERE THE WOODSMAN JUMPS IN AND--

♪ DA-DA-DA

CUTS HIS HEAD OFF.

THE BIG BAD WOLF DIE WITH A

DRESS ON.

(LAUGHTER)

IMAGINE HOW THE THIRD PIG FELT

AT THE FUNERAL.

HE'S LIKE, MAN--

ALL THIS TIME AND THIS DUDE

WAS A "TRANSVESTICLE".

(LAUGHTER)

SAME GUY WHO ATE MY BROTHERS.

BUT I LIKE THE FAIRY TALES, MAN.

SOME OF THEM DON'T FIT, THOUGH.

YOU KNOW, LIKE THE THREE BEARS.

THAT'S NOT COOL.

BECAUSE, I MEAN, YOU KNOW,

IT WOULDN'T WORK WITH LIKE,

YOU KNOW, A DIFFERENT PERSON

IN IT BESIDES GOLDILOCKS.

I DON'T LIKE THAT ONE, EITHER.

'CAUSE GOLDILOCKS, YOU KNOW,

SHE LIKE BREAKS INTO THESE

PEOPLE'S HOUSES.

I MEAN, SHE COMES INTO THE

BEARS' HOUSE, SHE WALKS INTO

THE YARD, INTO THE HOUSE,

AND THEN SHE'S IN THE HOUSE--

SHE'S EATING THEIR PORRIDGE.

SHE'S LIKE, "OOH!

THIS IS TOO HOT!"

"BITCH, THIS AIN'T YOUR FOOD!"

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

♪ (MUSIC PLAYS)

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