Doug Benson - Pee or Spank

  • Season 8 , Ep 11
  • 03/04/2004
  • Views: 6,858

The words 'pee' and 'spank' shouldn't even be said on the same day. (1:57)

I TRAVEL AROUNDTHE COUNTRY DOING STAND-UP.

AND WHEN I HAVE MY DAYS FREE,WHICH I DO EVERY DAY, I LIKE

TO GO SEE A BALLGAME, RIGHT?

AND I'LL HAVE LIKE SEVEN, EIGHT,NINE, TEN BEERS, AND THE 2nd

INNING WILL ROLL AROUND ANDI GOTTA GO.

[LAUGHTER]SO, I RUN UP TO THE MEN'S ROOM,

AND THIS HAPPENS AT EVERYSTADIUM IN THE COUNTRY,

NO MATTER HOW LONG THE MANTROUGH IS-- YOU KNOW THERE'S

ALWAYS MAN TROUGH IN THERE--AND NO MATTER HOW LONG IT IS,

YOU'RE ALWAYS ELBOW TO ELBOWWITH SOME GUY WHO'S BLASTED

OUT OF HIS MIND, AND HE'S GOTIT OUT AND HE'S WHIPPING IT

AROUND.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]AND I AM SHY, YOU GUYS.

I LIKE MY OWN SEPARATE SPACE.

I LIKE WALLS AND A DOOR AND ALOCK AND A GUARD AND A HI-TECH

SECURITY SYSTEM WITH LASERS.

SO ONE TIME I WAS USING THE MANTROUGH.

I WAS WORKING IT AT CANDLESTICKPARK IN THE BAY AREA.

AND THERE WAS A GUY STANDINGNEARBY ME, LEANING OVER HIS

CHILD.

AND THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

THIS IS THE CONVERSATION THATWAS TAKING PLACE BETWEEN THEM.

HE WAS LIKE, "YOU BETTER PEERIGHT NOW OR I'M GONNA SPANK

YOU!

IF YOU DON'T PEE I'M GONNA GIVEYOU A SPANKING YOU WILL NEVER

FORGET!

YOU DRAGGED ME AWAY FROM THEGAME.

YOU SAID YOU HAD TO PEE!

NOW PEE, DAMMIT, OR I'M GONNASPANK YOU!"

[LAUGHTER]OKAY, I'M RIGHT OVER HERE.

NOW, I CAN'T PEE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M A FULL-BLOWN ADULT,

AND I CAN'T TAKE THAT KIND OFPRESSURE.

THE WORD SPANKING AND PEEINGSHOULD NEVER BE SAID IN THE

SAME DAY.

YOU JUST SAY ONE ON ONE DAY,ONE THE NEXT.

ALTERNATE 'EM 'CAUSE THAT ISNO WAY FOR THAT GUY TO BE

RAISING HIS TEENAGER.

[LAUGHTER]THAT POOR, POOR GIRL.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

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