Ari Shaffir & Al Madrigal - Stage Slap - Uncensored

Melee 03/22/2016 Views: 1,381

Once Ari Shaffir made the mistake of drunkenly hitting Al Madrigal, and Al immediately began to plot his revenge. (5:24)

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- We go out big,

and I am a lightweight.

On top of havinganger issues,

I cannot hold my liquor.

So I have two drinks,and then we start, uh,

doing gravity bong hits.

- That's when it gets good.

That's when it gets good.

[dark electronic music]

[cheers and applause]

Welcome to"This Is Not Happening."

I'm your host, Ari Shaffir,

and today all the storiesare about karma.

[cheers and applause]

Please give it up for Mr. Al Madrigal, everybody!

Let him hear it!

[cheers and applause]

- A man that Hitler missed.

Please help me welcomeAri Shaffir!

[cheers and applause]

- Hey, let me ask youa question.

Wait, when the guywas chasing you,

how did you get away?

How did you climba fence?

- I hopped a fence.

If you ever haveto hop a fence,

you hop that fucking fence.

Uh, it was a low--it was, like, that high,

and I just scaled itimmediately.

- Did you feel like a realMexican when you were--

- [laughing]

[laughter]

That's fucked up.

Are you gonna take that,fellas?

That's fucked up.

I'm enlisting all the otherMexicans here...

to kill the manin the denim suit.

[laughter]

Lookit.

He looks like an evilranch owner.

- Yeah.

It's like a--it's like this.

What time is it?

Mm...

It's time to leavethe Chavez Ravine,

'cause we builtthe fucking Dodgers over here.

- That's totallypulling an old woman

out of her house

so you can fuckingbring the Dodgers in.

- Jackie Robinson!

Fucking beat it.

- Yeah.

- Uh, here's the dealabout Al Madrigal.

We've known each otherfor a long time.

- Long time.

- He's not someoneto fuck with.

- I look like someoneto fuck with.

- He sure does!Look at him!

- A lot of peoplefuck with me.

- What are you,like, 5'10", 5'9"?

- Yeah, I'm not 5'10".- Yeah.

- With the hunch,about 5'8".

Uh, with--

- He's got anger issues,you guys.

- I do.

- He's got seriousanger issues.

And, uh, we all wentone time to La Joya,

me, him,and Steve Rannazzisi.

- That's what happens.

So if you'rea Comedy Store comic,

you get this gigin San Diego, and it's fun,

so you want to gowith your buddies,

so I go down with Ariand Rannazzisi,

and we all stayat this condo together.

But then I know people there,

and, uh, we, uh, go out.

We go out big,

and I am a lightweight.

On top of havinganger issues,

I cannot hold my liquor.

So I have two drinks,

and then we start, uh,doing gravity bong hits.

- That's whenit gets good.

That's when it gets good.

We went to this backyard.It's in La Joya.

Like, rich kids,like, rented a house.

They have all these fire pits,and we're just fucking smoking

out of shitwe didn't understand.

They were like,"Put your hand here,

put your other hand there,and then breathe in."

- "What's happening?Oh, man!

Okay."- Yeah.

- "I'm gonna golay down."

And I'm lying thereall fucked up.

- You should have seenhow blasted he was.

- Just wasted,

as drunk and fucked upas I can possibly get.

- So, like, "Al, Al."

- And thenwhat happened next?

- What happened next was--what did happen next?

How did I do this exactly?

- I don't know,but I don't like it.

- Okay, I had a fun thing

where I would go to my friendsand I'd learn stage slaps,

and so, like, if youjust slap somebody,

just don't get this knuckle in,just above there,

you can--you know, I'll show youon a girl so you guys don't--

wait, I missed it.

Well, all right, anyway,it's been a while.

- Trying to slapan audience member.

- [laughing]- No one else does that.

- You gotta treat your audiencelike respect, you know.

Slap them aroundonce in a while.

Anyway, I thought it'd be funnyif I did that to Madrigal.

- Not funny.- Yeah.

I was like, "Hey, Al.Hey, Al."

And then I just fucking--- Just--

- Pow!

- Open-hand smackedthe shit out of me.

- It wasn't reallya stage slap at all.

I mean, I tell youabove there...

- It was a real slap.

- I got him hereand above.

It got the two partsthat hurt the most.

And I--boom!

I was a little drunk too,

but I knew what I was doing.

[laughter]

- So then we wentback to the condo, and--

- He just took it, dude.

He was like, "Ugh."

- That's how fucked up I was,

but I'll never forget.

So we went backto the condo...

[laughter]

And I set an alarmfor 4:30 in the morning.

[laughter]

And I woke up,and I got two pitchers

full--filled them with iceand got ice water.

And I walked over,and I stood above Ari.

And I just poured it all overhim and his sleeping bag

and ruined the entire bed.

- Couldn't even go backto sleep after that.

Like, I woke up like,"What the fuck!"

- But I remember I--

then I leaned over him.

He's like:[babbling]

- That's a pretty good Ari.

- I leaned over him.[babbling]

I leaned over him,and I said,

"Never touch me again."

[laughter and applause]

Crazy person.

- I haven't. I haven't.- No.

- I haven't.- You shouldn't.

No one should.

- Al Madrigal, everybody.- Yay!

[cheers and applause]