Chris Hardwick - Slut Squad

  • Season 1 , Ep 6
  • 02/12/2010
  • Views: 14,053

Chris Hardwick hopes that the drunken starlets of Hollywood are part of a government conspiracy. (2:27)

THE LIFEBLOOD OF 'MERICA--THAT'S RIGHT.

I DIDN'T SAY "AMERICA,"I SAID, 'MERICA!

APOSTROPHE-'MERICA!

(laughter)

IT'S OUR INCESSANT FASCINATIONWITH THE TABLOIDS.

LIKE, IT'S INSANEHOW MUCH WE--

DO YOU GUYSFOLLOW THE TABLOIDS?

DO YOU CARE, LIKE--OR ARE YOUR LIVES

ENRICHED BY RELATIONSHIPSAND FAMILY AND THINGS LIKE THAT?

IT SEEMS LIKE WE'RE--IT'SSO CRAZY THAT WE'RE SO OBSESSED

WITH WHAT A BUNCH OF LIKE,DRUNKEN...-UP STARLETS

WANT TO DOWITH THEIR LIVES.

BUT THE MORE THESECELEBUTANTES...

THE MORE WE SEEMTO LOVE 'EM.

OH, THE BRITNEY SPEARSOF THE WORLD.

OH, THEY'RE ADORABLE,LIKE PETS.

YOU KNOW, I REALLY KEEP HOPINGTHAT ALL THESE CELEBUTANTES

ARE NOT REAL PEOPLE,YOU GUYS.

I REALLY HOPETHEY'RE PART OF

SOME GOVERNMENT-FUNDEDCONSPIRACY

THAT'S DEVISED TO DIVERTOUR ATTENTION AWAY

FROM SERIOUS...THEY DON'T WANTUS TO KNOW ABOUT.

LIKE, IF SOMEONE RAN INTOTHE PRESIDENT'S OFFICE

AND SAID, "MR. PRESIDENT!MR. PRESIDENT!

"THERE'S A HOUSING CRISIS!THE BANKS ARE IN THE TOILET!

WHAT DO WE DO?"

"ALL RIGHT, WE NEEDA MEDIA DIVERSION.

CALL IN THE SLUT SQUAD,"AND THEY RUN IN.

"ALL RIGHT, LINDSAY LOHAN,

I NEED FOOTAGE OF YOU...A GUYON A CAMERA PHONE."

(high-pitched voice)"I'M ON IT."

"ALL RIGHT, BRITNEY,I NEED YOU TO SHAVE YOUR SNIZ

AND WAG IT AROUNDAT A MOVIE PREMIER."

(high-pitched voice)"I DON'T THINK I CAN DO THAT."

"GOD DAMN IT, SOLDIER,

"YOU KNEW THIS JOB WAS DIFFICULTWHEN YOU TOOK IT!

"NOW MAN UPAND LOSE THOSE PANTIES!

ALL RIGHT, PARIS HILTON.I NEED YOU TO SPEAK PUBLICLY."

(laughter and applause)

AND IT REALLY MAKES ME--ITREALLY MAKES ME WONDER, LIKE--

YOU KNOW, THERE PROBABLY ALWAYSWERE PRESIDENTIAL DIVERSIONS

YOU KNOW, LIKE--'CAUSETHE PRESIDENT HAS THAT POWER.

BUT, LIKE, EVEN, LIKE,THROUGHOUT HISTORY,

THAT PROBABLY OCCURRED.

LIKE, FOR INSTANCE,IF LINCOLN HAD BEEN GAY,

DO YOU THINK WE EVER WOULDHAVE KNOWN?

LIKE, IF THERE WAS SOMESORT OF A PRESS CONFERENCE,

"PRESIDENT LINCOLN,THERE ARE RUMORS THAT

"YOU'RE A HOMOSEXUAL.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO COMMENTON THAT, SIR?"

"OH, REALLY?

"UH, WELL...

(blows air through lips)

"SLAVES ARE FREE!SLAVES ARE FREE!

YEP, OFF YOU GO.SLAVES ARE FREE."

"OH, MY GOD, DID YOU JUSTFREE THE SLAVES?!"

"OH, I DON'T KNOW, DID I?BECAUSE I'VE BEEN SHOT.

"YEP, I'VE BEEN SHOTIN THE HEAD.

(laughter)

JUST A STRAIGHT MANTRYING TO ENJOY THE THEATER."

(laughter)

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