John Oliver - We're Number One

  • Season 2 , Ep 5
  • 04/21/2011
  • Views: 29,074

This country is just too big. When Britain tried to point out that a few centuries ago, America got all pissy and threw a little tea tantrum. (1:44)

A GOOD FEW YEARS NOW,

AND I ONLY HAVE ONE MAJORCRITICISM OF THIS COUNTRY.

AND IT'S NOT BAD.

ONE.YOU'D HAVE TAKEN THAT.

ONE?THAT'S NOT A LOT.

THE ONLY CRITICISMI HAVE OF THIS COUNTRY

IS IT'S TOO BIG.

IT'S FAR TOO BIG,THIS COUNTRY.

MY PEOPLE TRIED TO POINTTHAT OUT TO YOU

A COUPLE OF CENTURIES AGO,BUT YOU GOT ALL PISSY ABOUT IT,

AND THREW YOUR LITTLETEA TANTRUM BUT IT'S STILL TRUE.

(laughter)

THERE ARE TOO MANY NOOKSAND CRANNIES HERE.

YOU DO NOT WANTTO LOOK INSIDE FOR FEAR

OF WHAT YOU KNOWMIGHT BE LURKING THERE.

I HAVE LOOKED INSIDE YOUR NOOKS.I HAVE SEEN YOUR CRANNIES.

I WORK FOR THE "DAILY SHOW,"AND I DO STAND-UP.

I HAVE SEEN YOUR WHACK JOBS.

AND BELIEVE ME,YOU COULD PUT THEM UP

AGAINST WHACK JOBSFROM ANY COUNTRY ON THE PLANET

AND BE PRETTY CONFIDENTABOUT WALKING AWAY WITH A "W."

(laughter)

I'M GLAD YOU'RE PLEASEDABOUT THAT, AS WELL.

THAT'S GOOD.THAT'S THE APPROPRIATE RESPONSE.

YEAH, NUMBER ONE!NUMBER ONE!

YEAH, NEVER MIND IN WHAT.NUMBER ONE!

WHOO! NUMBER ONE!

SUCK IT, CHINA,YOU'RE NOT THAT STRANGE.

YOU'RE NOT THAT STRANGE,CHINA.

EVERY TIME--

EVERY TIME I COME BACKTO NEW YORK FROM BEING

SOMEWHERE ELSE,I FEEL LIKE RUTGER HAUER

AT THE END OF "BLADE RUNNER."

"I'VE SEEN THINGSYOU PEOPLE WOULDN'T BELIEVE."

(laughter)

I HAVE BEEN TO THE UPPERPENINSULA OF MICHIGAN.

THAT IS REMOTEIN THE EXTREME.

IT'S LIKE "LORDS OF THE FLIES"UP THERE

WITH SIGNIFICANTLYMORE BEARDS.

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