Pete Holmes - In Your Dreams

  • Season 1 , Ep 3
  • 10/23/2012
  • Views: 24,633

In Pete Holmes' dreams he treats women with dignity and respect. (2:15)

I DON'T KNOW--

IT'S TRUE.

I CAN'T--LISTEN TO ME.

I'M NOT LYING TO YOUFOR A JOKE.

I'M TELLING YOUA TRUE THING.

I CAN'T MAKE IT HAPPENIN MY DREAMS.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

I HIT ON WOMENIN REAL LIFE,

THEY'RE LIKE,"IN YOUR DREAMS."

I'M LIKE, "NO.

NOT EVEN THERE."

I CAN DREAMTHAT I'M SOMEBODY ELSE.

I HAD A DREAM THAT I WASA SVELTE PUERTO RICAN DANCER.

I WAS BEAUTIFUL.LINEN SHIRT.

YOU'RE PICTURING IT,RIGHT?

UNBUTTONED JUST ABOUT AS MUCHAS YOU THINK IT IS.

GLISTENING, DANCINGSOMETHING AWESOME

AND RHYTHMIC THAT I CAN'T DO.

AND THEN I SAW A WOMANRIDE UP ON A WHITE HORSE,

AND SHE WAS LOVELY AND SEXYAND SHE GOT OFF.

SHE CAME RIGHT UP TO ME,AND SHE WAS LIKE,

"LET'S HAVE SEXON THE MESA."

AND I WAS LIKE,"HELL, SI!"

THEN RIGHT BEFORESHE KISSED ME, I WAS LIKE,

"JUST KIDDING!IT'S ME, PETE! HA HA!

I'M LIKEA GIANT VAL KILMER!"

AND SHE RAN AND RANAS I SCREAMED,

"I'M THE WORST BATMAN!"

THAT'S MY DREAM!

I HAD A DREAM WHERE I SAWA GROUP OF YOUNG LADIES

DANCING IN THEIRBRA AND PANTIES,

LIKE THE CRUCIBLE,BUT HOTTER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

AND I THINK MOST MEN,IN THEIR DREAM REALITY,

WOULD BE LIKE,"WELL, YOU KNOW,

"REALIZING IT WAS MY DREAM

"AND A CONSEQUENCE-FREEENVIRONMENT,

"I JUST DOVE IN

"AND DID WHATEVERI WANTED TO DO.

"I [bleep] 'EM ALL,WOKE UP, FELT GREAT,

"FIRED SOMEBODY,COOKED OUTSIDE.

I DON'T KNOW MY FATHER."YOU KNOW?

LIKE A--

LIKE A REAL MAN.

BUT ME, IN MY DREAM,I SEE THEM DANCING,

AND IN MY DREAM,WHERE ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE,

I TOOK OUT MY CELL PHONE

AND STARTEDTAKING PICTURES OF THEM.

LIKE,"THESE'LL BE HOT...

"LATER.

"CAN'T WAIT TILLI'M DREAMING THAT I'M ALONE

"SO I CAN PRINT THESE UP--HIGH-RES!--

"THEN DREAMTHAT I'M MASTURBATING.

THAT'S A GOOD DREAM."

WHEN I WOKE UP,I WAS LIKE,

"I TREATEDTHOSE YOUNG LADIES

"WITH DIGNITY AND RESPECT.

"YOU MADETHE RIGHT CHOICE, PETE.

SOME OF THEMDID LOOK UNDERAGE."

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