If there'sany single moms here tonight.
If you want to know if yourboyfriend's ready to marry you,
all you have to dois do what my wife did
and have your kidsgive your boyfriend lice.
That's how you know it's real.
She called me up, and she said,"You might have lice."
I wish she wouldhave been calling
to tell me that I had a STD.
At least... at least thenI could go to the doctor
and get some medicine.
I-I don't know evenwhat to do about lice.
Do... do I have to find
an elementary schoolto get tested at?
do I have to bustinto a front office
and be like, "Somebody get mea school nurse, stat!
"Have her check me for scoliosiswhile she's at it.
"It's been a while
"since my last checkup.
"This elementary schooltake Obamacare?
"That's what I'm working with.
"We got the gold package.
"We went all in, full subsidy.
Who knows what happensto our taxes?"
Here's what I really had to do.
I had to call my friendwho was on the road with me
and say, "Hey, man,would you come over
to my hotel room for a minute?"
And he said, "What for?"
And I said, "Well,
"I was hoping that you
"would comb my hair for a while.
"was hoping you wouldreally carefully comb my hair.
"Maybe pick through itwith a number 2 pencil,
"if you have one handy.
"And then when you're done,I'd like for you to shampoo me.
Would you mindlathering me up, friend?"
It says on the bottleof the lice shampoo
that you shouldn'tapply it to yourself.
It says that on the bottle.
How many of you thinkthat you have a friend
who would bea good enough friend
they would come over
and shampoo the parasitesout of your hair?
I can tell you from experiencethat I have zero friends
that are that good of a friend.
All my friends are like,"Hey, man.
"Couldn't I justlook at your dick?
Let you know if it looks weirdor something?"