You guys ever been caught
you know, uh, checkingyourself out in the mirror
by someone else?
You've been caught? Anybody?
I know this lady did.
I remember whenI was a little kid.
I had never kisseda girl before.
I was probably like...26 years old.
I was like
in third grade and I hada crush on this girl.
I wanted to kiss herand I wanted to be cool,
you know, like the moviestars are, you know?
And so I was practicingwhat I wanted to say to her
before I moved in for the kiss,and I was like...
"You're a total fox."
I started kissing the mirrorwith my eyes open
to make sure that I looked likethe movie stars did, you know?
Do it right. And my dadwalked in on me.
And I could tell right away thathe was embarrassed, you know.
Not that he caught me,but that I was his son.
But he was cool about it.
He just goes...
"Nice work, son.
You got good self-esteem."
But I'm glad I practicedkissing the mirror
as much as I did
because I will be well prepared
if I ever kiss a ladywith a really flat face.
Who looks like me.
And the other thingI used to do--
I don't know if you guysever did this--
but I would practicehaving sex before I had sex.
This is what I used to do
so you'll have to picture it.
I would put my wiener betweenthe mattress and the box spring
and I would hump it
And I... I'm just glad my dad
didn't walk in on that.
because what do yousay to your son
you catch him humpinghis bed, you know?
"Nice work, Son.
Now, that's how we say thank youfor a good night's sleep."
But I'm glad thatI practiced humping my bed
as much as I did.
Because I will be well preparedif I ever make love to a lady
with a giant, horizontal vagina.