Ryan Sickler - Lying on Your Resume

  • Season 3 , Ep 0306
  • 07/18/2008
  • Views: 5,260

Have you ever lied so much on a resume that when they ask you about it in the interview, you say, "It says that?" (2:28)

(laughter)

That was electric, everybody.

If y'all can keep bringingthat thunder,

I'll see if I can handle it.

Oh, man, you guys

got to bear with me, man.

I was driving here tonight,

and I'm a little shook up, man.

I was sitting in the middle laneat this stop light

and I heard these tires startskidding behind me.

And I looked upin my rearview--

and it was the duderight behind me.

This ever happen to you before?Right?

Man, my stomach dropped.

My adrenaline started pumping.

I gripped the steering wheel.

I was like, please, Jesus,

let this guy hit me.

I need this!

(laughter)

I got bills to pay, man.

I can get 16 out of this one.

Maybe 22 with a good lawyer.

You know whiplash runsin my family.

(laughter)

I'm not asking you for much.

I just want to bethis intersection's

winning Lotto ticket.

'Cause I do not dothe work thing well.

You ever lie so muchon a résumé

that when they askyou something,

you're like... "It says that?"

(laughter and applause)

"My objective was to owna bakery?"

You start panicking,saying stuff

that doesn't even makeany sense at all, man.

You're like, "That's probably

"a cut-and-pasteright there, man.

You know how Word is."

Oh, man.

Then you got people that justmake up their own jobs.

You know, like the publicrestroom attendant.

I still don't get the philosophybehind having a grown man

in the bathroom sellingcandy and gum

and mints.

That is filthy.

In a public restroom?

That is disgusting.

If you went overto your buddy's house

and he had a jarof Skittles

sitting on the backof the toilet,

are you eating any of them?

Hell, no.

Right?

(laughter and applause)

But for whatever reason,

that's acceptablein a public restroom.

And I don't know about any ofyou in here tonight, New York,

but I have never rushedinto a restroom

in any kind of emergency,like, "Oh, my God,

"oh, man, I don't thinkI'm going to make it. Oh, my...

"Is that a Twix?

I'm gonna go aheadand get me a Twix."

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