Christopher Titus - Smart Daughter

Christopher Titus: The 5th Annual End of the World Tour Season 1, Ep 101 03/17/2007 Views: 11,847

Christopher Titus doesn't know how to answer the tough questions about terrorism, war and Tupac Shakur. (1:27)

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THAT WHEN YOU HAVE KIDS,

THAT YOU'RE GONNA TEACH YOUR KIDS STUFF WE NEVER HAD TO LEARN.

DON'T OPEN THE MAIL, IT COULD HAVE ANTHRAX.

AND DON'T TALK TO THE MAILMAN, 'CAUSE HE NEEDS XANAX.

AND DON'T GO INTO ANY BUILDINGOVER FOUR STORIES

BECAUSE SOME IDIOT NAME [NOISE] MIGHT CRASH A 747 INTO IT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND MY DAUGHTER'S FIVE NOW. SHE'S ASKING ME QUESTIONS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL HER. "HONEY, I DON'T KNOW.

"I DON'T KNOW WHY TUPAC'S BEEN DEAD 10 YEARS,

STILL PUTTING OUT BETTER ALBUMSTHAN JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT, WHAT, WHY IS THERE WAR? YOU KNOW, A YEAR AGO,

YOU WERE EATING YOUR OWN POOP, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

OKAY, THIS WAR RIGHT HERE, THIS WAR IS BECAUSE WE PROVED

THAT THERE WAS WEAPONS OF MASS DE-STRU...

OKAY, THIS WAR IS 'CAUSE WE PROVED THAT THE SADDAM

WAS DIRECTLY CONNECTED TO 9-ELE...

WELL, AT LEAST THE WAR ONLY LASTED SIX MON...

COME HERE.

GAS BETTER GET CHEAP PRETTY F-ING FAST.

YOU GUYS GET THAT, RIGHT, OUR PRESIDENT IS A TEXAS OILMAN

AND WE'RE PAYING $3 A GALLON,WE'RE [BLEEP] RETARDED.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

I'M SORRY.

AND MY DAUGHTER'S TOO SMART. SHE GETS IT.

SHE'S FIVE. SHE GETS IT.I HAVE A SMART KID.

I DON'T WANT A SMART KID. I'M GONNA START FEEDING HER

LEAD PAINT CHIPSJUST TO BRING HER DOWN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]