Hannibal Buress - Jaywalking Ticket

  • Season 1 , Ep 1
  • 10/09/2012
  • Views: 45,643

Hannibal Buress gets a ticket for jaywalking and acting like an a**hole. (3:13)

I DON'T TRUST SOCIETY.

SOME PEOPLE,THEY LOCK THEIR BIKES,

BUT THEY DON'T LOCK THE BIKETO SOMETHING.

THEY JUST LOCK THE FRAME

TO THE TIRE.

'CAUSE THEY THINK,"WHO'S GONNA TAKE MY BIKE

"IF THEY CAN'T RIDE AWAYWITH IT?

WHO WOULD DO SOMETHINGLIKE THAT?"

I WILL.[cheers and applause]

I'LL TAKE YOUR BIKE,

AND I'LL THROW ITIN THE PACIFIC OCEAN.

I'LL THROW ITIN THE PACIFIC OCEAN

OR WHATEVER BODY OF WATER

IS CLOSEST TO THE CITYTHAT I'M DOING THIS JOKE IN.

I WAS IN CANADA LAST YEAR,

I GOT A JAYWALKING TICKET.

I'M AN INTERNATIONAL CRIMINAL.

I GOT CAUGHT JAYWALKING.

IT WAS ME AND THIS OLD LADY.

WE WERE JAYWALKING TOGETHER.

WE WEREN'T TOGETHERLIKE THAT,

BUT, IF WE WERE,SO WHAT?

MIND YOUR BUSINESS.

SO ME AND THIS OLD LADY,

WE CROSSED THE STREET,

AND A MONTREAL COP APPROACHESUS, SPEAKING IN FRENCH,

"BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH,FRENCH."

[laughter]

AND I SAID, "HEY, MAN,I DON'T TALK LIKE THAT.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?

PLEASE TALK TO MEHOW I TALK."

PROBABLY WASN'T THE BEST WAYTO START OFF

BY MOCKING HIS LANGUAGE,BUT WHO CARES?

I TAKE RISKS IN LIFE.

AND HE SAYS,"YOU WERE JAYWALKING."

I SAYS,"SORRY ABOUT THAT."

THEN I TRIED TO KEEP GOING

ABOUT MY DAY,'CAUSE I THOUGHT

THAT'S HOW JAYWALKINGWAS HANDLED AS A CRIME.

HE WENT,"YOU WERE JAYWALKING!"

"MY BAD.WE'RE DONE HERE, RIGHT?"

"I APOLOGIZE,NOT FOR THE ACT OF JAYWALKING,

"BUT FOR HOW MY JAYWALKINGMADE YOU FEEL.

"I'LL TRY NOT TO JAYWALKIN THE FUTURE

"WHILE YOU'RE WATCHING,BUT TRUST THAT I'M GONNA DO THIS

"THE REST OF MY LIFE.

IT'S THE BEST WAY TO GO ABOUTBEING A PEDESTRIAN."

[cheers and applause]

GUESS WHAT?TWO MORE COPS SHOW UP.

NOW WE HAVETHREE POLICE OFFICERS

WORKING THIS HIGH-PROFILEJAYWALKING CASE.

THE COP THAT STOPPED ME'SABOUT 50,

AND THE TWO EXTRA COPS,THEY'RE ABOUT MY AGE.

I DECIDE I WANTEDTO TALK TRASH

AND GET UNDER THE COP'S SKINTHAT WAS STANDING

CLOSEST TO ME,'CAUSE I DON'T LIKE HIM

OR WHAT HE REPRESENTS,AND HE ALSO DIDN'T SEEM

LIKE THE TYPE OF COPTHAT WOULD MURDER ME.

I SAY, "HEY, MAN, YOUR COLLEAGUEHERE IS 50 YEARS OLD,

"AND HE'S WRITING JAYWALKINGTICKETS FOR A LIVING.

IS HE CONSIDERED A FAILUREAS A POLICE OFFICER?"

all: OOH.

- HE WAS UPSET.

HE DIDN'T WANT TO SHOWTHAT HE WAS UPSET,

BUT I COULD TELLHE WAS UPSET,

'CAUSE THE NEXT THINGHE SAID WAS,

"OH, SO YOU A COOL GUY, HUH?"

[laughter]

I SAID,"NO, I'M NOT A COOL GUY.

YOU A COOL GUY?"HE SAID, "YEAH, I'M A COOL GUY

JUST DOING COOL STUFF,TRYING TO BE COOL."

[laughter]

I SAID, "MAN, COOL PEOPLENEVER SAY [bleep] LIKE THAT."

[laughter]

THEY GAVE ME A $37 TICKETFOR JAYWALKING

AND A $444 TICKETJUST FOR BEING AN ASSHOLE.

THAT'S HOW MUCH IT COSTS

TO BE AN ASSHOLETO MONTREAL POLICE,

JUST IN CASEYOU'RE PRICING IT OUT

FOR YOUR NEXT VACATION.

BUT DON'T WORRY.I'M NOT PAYING EITHER OF THEM.

IT'S IN CANADA.IT'S NOT REAL TO ME.

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