John Oliver - Cell Phone Videos

  • Season 2 , Ep 3
  • 04/07/2011
  • Views: 19,570

When you record video on your phone, you're saying, 'I want to enjoy this, but now is not good for me.' (2:29)

LET ME THANK YOUFOR SOMETHING ELSE.

AND THAT IS I SEE THAT NO ONEYET IS FILMING THIS

ON THEIR CELL PHONESAND I APPRECIATE THAT

BECAUSE THAT HAS BECOME THE NEWSCOURGE OF STAND-UP, REALLY.

PEOPLE SITTING THERE SAYING,"WELL, I WANT TO ENJOY THIS,

BUT NOW IS NOT GOOD FOR ME."

(laughter)

"LATER WOULD BE BETTER.

LATER AND SMALLERWOULD BE BETTER FOR MY SCHED."

THAT--THAT TECHNOLOGYHAS FUNDAMENTALLY CHANGED

THE WAY WE WILL WATCH NEWSFOREVER NOW

BECAUSE WE WILL NEVER NOT SEESOMETHING EVER AGAIN.

(laughter)

TO THE EXTENT THAT IF SOMETHINGHAPPENS IN THE WORLD

AND THERE IS NOT AT LEASTSOME KIND OF FOOTAGE OF IT,

DEEP DOWN WE'RE GONNA STARTTO DOUBT

IT EVER ACTUALLY HAPPENEDIN THE FIRST PLACE.

WE DON'T ENGAGEIN ANYTHING ANYMORE.

NO ONE WATCHES ANYTHING.

THEY JUST WANT TO MAKE SURETHEY RECORD IT FOR POSTERITY.

THAT SEEMS TO TAKE THE DIGNITYOUT OF ANY EVENT,

AND IT WOULD HAVE ALTEREDHISTORY

IF WE WERE TO BEHAVELIKE THAT.

LOOK AT THE CRUCIFIXION.

(laughter)

I PROMISE YOU IF THIS TECHNOLOGYHAD BEEN AROUND THEN,

ALL YOU'D HAVE SEENUNDERNEATH JESUS CHRIST

WAS PEOPLE DOING THIS.

"OH, THIS IS GREAT.

(applause)"THIS IS FANTASTIC STUFF.

"OH, WOW.THIS IS GREAT.

"DOUBLE RAINBOW.

"DOUBLE--I'M GETTING THIS.

"I'M GETTING IT.I GOT IT.

"I GOT IT. I GOT IT. I GOT IT.

"LET ME JUSTUPLOAD THIS NOW.

I'VE DONE IT."

AND YET, WE'RE NOW SO JADEDBY EVERYTHING,

SO UNIMPRESSED BY ANYTHINGWE SEE THAT EVEN THAT MOMENT,

EVEN THE POETRY OF THAT MOMENT,

"MY GOD, MY GOD,WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN ME?"

IF YOU WERE TO UPLOADTHAT TO YOUTUBE

AND SCROLL DOWNINTO THE COMMENTS,

I PROMISE YOU,THE ONLY THING YOU WOULD READ

WOULD BE"THIS SU-U-U-CKS."

"THIS IS S-O-O-O G-A-AY."

NOW, LOOK, LOOK,

I THINK WE'RE ALL AWARETHAT JOKE HAS SPLIT THE ROOM.

(laughter)

LARGELY BETWEENTHOSE PEOPLE GOING TO HEAVEN

AND THE REST OF US.

SO, ALL RIGHT.OKAY, POINT TAKEN.

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