Patton Oswalt - A Thrilling Tale of Albert Einstein

Patton Oswalt: No Reason to Complain Season 1, Ep 0101 12/05/2004 Views: 16,737

Despite being a stone-cold atheist, Patton Oswalt respects Mel Gibson for making a movie about Jesus. (2:48)

Patton Oswalt: JESUS BEATS

SPIDER MAN AT THE MOVIES.

[LAUGHTER]

HE BEAT 'EM.

THAT'S NOT HOW IT WENT WHEN

I WAS PLAYING WITH MY ACTION

FIGURES GROWING UP.

SPIDER MAN ALWAYS BEAT JESUS.

AND OF COURSE YOU GUYS KNOW WHY?

JESUS HAS NO WEBBING.

NOW, I--

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT

MEL GIBSON'S MOVIE, OR WHETHER

YOU LIKE IT OR NOT, BUT YOU HAVE

TO RESPECT THE FACT, AND I'M A

STONE COLD ATHEIST AND I STILL--

YOU GOTTA GIVE HIM PROPS

FOR GOING TO EVERY STUDIO.

MEL GIBSON WENT TO EVERY STUDIO

AND SAID, "I WANNA MAKE A MOVIE

ABOUT JESUS."

AND THE STUDIOS WENT, "GREAT.

THIS IS CRAZY CHRISTIAN COUNTRY.

WE'LL MAKE BOAT LOADS OF CASH."

AND MEL WENT, "HANG ON.

I JUST WANT TO DO THE TWO DAYS

WHERE HE GETS THE CRAP KICKED

OUT OF HIM AND THEN GETS NAILED

TO A CROSS.

AND THE STUDIOS WENT,

"OH, REALLY?

IS THAT THE BEST...?

WHAT ABOUT WHEN HE'S WALKING

ON WATER AND MAKING LUNCH FOR

EVERYBODY AND BEING NICE TO

PEOPLE...?

WOULDN'T THAT BE A BETTER,

WHAT DO YOU THINK?"

I MEAN...

"NOPE-- TWO DAYS--

GET THE CRAP KICKED OUTTA HIM--

NAILED TO A TREE--

END OF MOVIE."

AND THEIR LIKE, "YEAH,

WE'RE NOT GONNA MAKE THAT,

DUDE, THAT'S A LITTLE CREEPY."

AND HE WENT, "GO SCREW

YOURSELVES."

AND HE SHOT IT HIMSELF, AND NOW

IT'S MAKING MATRIX MONEY.

WOW.

THAT'D BE LIKE IF I PITCHED

LIKE, "I WANNA MAKE THE LIFE OF

EINSTEIN."

THEY GO, "OH, THAT'S A THRILLING

STORY TO-- YES-- DEFINITELY."

"HANG ON.

I JUST WANNA DO THE FOUR HOURS

IN HIS LIFE WHEN HE HAD REALLY

BAD FOOD-POISONING AND HE WAS

JUST ON THE TOILET [BLEEP]

WATER FOR FOUR HOURS.

THAT'S THE WHOLE MOVIE."

THEY'RE GOING, "AH...

IS THAT THE BEST...?

REALLY?

WHAT ABOUT THE, YOU KNOW,

PHOTOELECTRIC EFFECT, AND THE

RELATIVITY THEORY AND THE BOMB,

AND ALL THAT?"

"NO, HE EATS A BAD EGG SALAD

SANDWICH AND THEN HE'S JUST ON

THE TOILET HUNCHED OVER,

SWEATING, NOTHING TO READ--

FOUR HOURS, JUST LIQUID WASTE

PURRING BETWEEN HIS SKINNY

SHANKS."

[LAUGHTER]

"YEAH, WE'RE NOT--

THAT'S AWFUL, PAL.

WE'RE NOT GONNA SHOOT THAT.

YOU'RE OUTTA YOUR MIND."

"I'LL SHOOT IT MYSELF!"

[LAUGHTER]

THEN THEY'RE SCIENCE COLLEGES

WERE THEY'RE BUYING OUT BLOCKS

OF TICKETS.

"WE'RE ALL GONNA GO WATCH

EINSTEIN TAKE A DUMP.

HE WAS A GREAT MAN."

THE HUMAN BODY CAN ONLY CRAP

FOR AN HOUR.

THIS GUY WENT FOUR HOURS.

HE WAS SPECIAL.

THIS GUY WAS SPECIAL.

[LAUGHTER]

"LET'S GO SEE EINSTEIN TAKE

A DUMP, MAN.

LET'S GO SEE THAT AGAIN,

THAT WAS GREAT.

I LOVED IT.

I CRIED, MAN.

IT CHANGED ME.

IT REALLY CHANGED ME, MAN.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I LOVE TO DRINK.