Joe Mande - First Guy to Drink Milk

Joe Mande Season 1, Ep 9 06/08/2012 Views: 37,321

Every time Joe Mande drinks a glass of milk, he remembers that the first guy to drink milk was the biggest creep of all time. (2:37)

I could never be a vegan.I just... I love milk too much.

I actually drink a glass of milkevery night before I go to bed,

which is adorable.(chuckles) I'm adorable.

But the same thought alwaysgoes through my head

when I drink a glass of milk.

I'm always just like,"Ugh, gross."

"Who was the first guyto drink milk?"

Who was that person?He had to have been

the biggest creep of all time,like, no question.

Number one creep in history.

I love thinking about that dude.I really do.

I just picture some guy in acave, thousands of years ago,

hanging outwith his cave buddies.

They're all telling funnystories, and then suddenly,

it's his turn to tell a story

and he's kind of shyand he's like:

(chuckles)Yeah, yeah, I have a story.

Um, actually, before I start,

do you guys know those hugeanimals that live outside?

They just stand aroundand eat grass all day,

and they have abig bag of boobs right here?

Okay, yeah, yeah,this is funny.

Um, it was like a week ago,it was early in the morning.

It was dark outside--that's important--

and, uh, I was walking around,minding my own business,

and I bumped intoone of those animals.

And I don't knowwhat happened, like I slipped

on the grass orsomething and... whatever.

Point is, I was on my knees and

I was just staring at thisbag of boobs,

and, uh, so I put onein my mouth,

'cause I wanted to suck on it.

And, so, I was suckingthis boob and,

it's not even a boob, really.You've seen them, they're huge.

They're likea boob-dick, right?

So, I was sucking this boob-dickfor a while,

just like tugging and sucking.

I just got in the zone and Iremember thinking, like,

this can't get any better.

And then it got better,

'cause it just startedsquirting this thick white

juice into my mouth.So, I swallow it.

What, am I notgonna swallow it?

And, so, it keeps squirtingand I keep swallowing

and it's so great,it tastes so good.

And then, after a coupleminutes,

the, uh, the boob-dickkind of drained out.

And I got sad.

And then I was like,wait, why am I sad?

There are, like,five more boob-dicks.

Then I was just like,blah, blah!

I just went crazy,just made a mess.

That's funny,relatable, right, guys?

His friends were like,"Uh, dude, that's disgusting.

Get the hell out of here."

And he's like, "Oh, really,it's disgusting?

Well, it's also deliciouswith cookies...!"

He leaves the cave.

His friends are like,"What are cookies?"