Owen Smith - Two Year Contract

Season 2 , Ep 1 01/26/12 Views: 10,731

Owen Smith feels bad for the one gay guy who didn't want to get married. (2:25)

I'M HAPPY THEYCOULD GET MARRIED.

YEAH, UH, OKAY.

ALL RIGHT-- YEAH.

BUT, UH, HERE'SWHO I FEEL SORRY FOR

WITH THEWHOLE THING.

UH, I FEEL SORRYFOR THAT ONE GAY DUDE

WHO DIDN'T REALLYWANNA GET MARRIED.

[laughter]

YOU KNOW, WHEN IT WASILLEGAL, THAT WAS HIS THING.

HE WAS LIKE, "YO,I WANNA MARRY YOU,

"BUT THEYWON'T LET ME."

[laughter]

NOT ANYMORE, BABY.

CONGRATULATIONS.

YOU GET TO TAKE THAT WALKLIKE THE REST OF US, MAN.

JUST THE WORDS "I DO,"I DON'T LIKE IT, MAN.

"I DO,"THAT'S UNNATURAL.

DON'T NOBODY EVER SAYTHAT ANY OTHER TIME.

IT'S LIKE, "HEY, CAN IGET YOU ANOTHER DRINK?"

"I DO."

DON'T NOBODYTALK LIKE THAT.

THAT'S WHY, IF I EVER GETMARRIED, I AIN'T SAYIN',

"I DO."

I WANNA SAY,"I DO MY BEST."

[laughter]

I HOPE GAY MARRIAGES LASTLONGER THAN STRAIGHT MARRIAGES,

'CAUSE EVERY TIME I TURNAROUND, WE BREAKIN' UP,

YOU KNOW?

MY MOTHER TOLD ME A LONGTIME AGO, SHE SAID,

"TRUE LOVE LASTSFOR TWO YEARS."

[laughter]

I WAS LIKE,"GODDAMN!"

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE ONLYLASTS FOR TWO YEARS?

CELL PHONE CONTRACTS.

WHAT IF THEY GOT IT RIGHT,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, I'VE LEFT TONS OFWOMEN, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN,

BUT I WILLNOT LEAVE SPRINT.

[laughter]

I BEEN WITH THEMOVER 15 YEARS,

WAITIN' ON THATDAMN IPHONE TO COME.

THEY TELL ME EVERY YEAR,"JUNE, DOG, JUNE."

I BE LIKE, "OKAY."

THAT'S HOW THEYSHOULD DO MARRIAGE.

IT SHOULD BE ATWO YEAR CONTRACT.

EVERYBODY COULD COMMIT TOSOMETHIN' FOR TWO YEARS, RIGHT?

AND I MEAN, IF YOU MAKE IT,YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN',

YOU WANNA GO ANOTHER TWO,YOU JUST RENEW THE CONTRACT.

YOU BE LIKE, "HEY, BABY, UH,YOU WANNA GO ANOTHER TWO?"

YOU SURE?

'CAUSE YOU TRIED TOSTAB ME LAST YEAR.

[laughter]

YOU KNOW WHAT'S RUININ'MARRIAGES, THE WEDDIN' VOWS.

THEY NEED TOREMIX 'EM, RIGHT?

LET'S JUST CUT TOTHE CHASE, RIGHT?

LET'S JUST SAYWHAT IT REALLY IS,

YOU KNOWWHAT I MEAN?

THEY SHOULD BE LIKE, UH,"Y'ALL LOVE EACH OTHER?"

"YEAH."

"OKAY, NOW-- ALLRIGHT, BROTHER, UH,

"DO YOU PROMISE NOT TOFUCK ANYBODY ELSE?"

[laughter]

"I DO MY BEST."

[laughter]

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