RETURN OCTOBER 2014
No, let me, no, let metell you something, okay?
Let me tell you,I love my wife,
but let me say something,ladies, this is the truth.
The truth: The longer we guysare married,
the dumber we thinkwe're getting.
I'm telling you.
Because after a while,
you can't even answera simple question.
No, you know that, guys.
She'll ask you."Are you wearing that?"
You're, like, "I don't know."
When did that happen, right?
I used to be ableto dress myself.
"I don't know."(moronic chuckle)
And they do stuffthat doesn't make sense.
And we love you, ladies,but you don't make sense, okay?
Oh, and she's likeevery Latina mom.
She-she fries everything, right?
You know, for Cheerios,they'll fry whatever, right?
But she makes, she makesthat Mexican sausage chorizo.
And the grease is poppin', man!
You go in that kitchen.
You know, when you get hit,you're messed up, right?
But nothing hits a Latina mom.
You're two-and-a-half inchesfrom the pan.
Pop, pop, right?(makes whooshing sound)
Right? The chorizo ninja.
Pop, pop.(makes whooshing sound)
You're back there, "Oh!"
And your cousin--"You're gonna make it,
you're gonna make it,you know?"
It's very dangerous, man,everything we do.
And, of course, we havesome of the most...
We have the most dangeroustraditions, Latinos.
That piñata has got to go,all right?
How does it...?You blindfold a child,
then you twirl him around
before he's gonna throw up,al-al-all right?
Then there's alwaysthat big kid.
There's always a big kid.Whoo...
That Josélito, he's big, right?
Five-two, 260 in second grade.He's big, all right?
You know him.
He's right over there.And he starts swinging, right?
And the kids are, like, "Ho-ho,"like they've never had candy.
And he cracks the piñata,and they dive... "Oh..."
And don't they understandJosélito can't see?
And he starts swinging on adownward plane to hit, right?
Kids are bleeding.
Tootsie Roll, they're tryingto put it in their nose,
"Stop the bleeding. Oh!"
Put 'em in the backof an ambulance.
"It was worth it.It was worth it."
"Sour power! Sour power!Sour power!"
The most dangerous part of thepiñata, let me tell you, is...
You know this is true.
Someone has to go on topof the house
to hold the piñata, right?
And the thing, it's becomean American thing.
Everybody's doing the piñata.
And it's the uncle.It's never...
Let me tell you,it's always that uncle
who's been drinking all day,right?
He's been all day.
He's on top of the house.
Let me see if I can...He's on top of the house.
with his beer and the string,right?
Right? And his wife crying,"You're gonna kill yourself!
Get down!"And he's all macho,
" Callate, que yo mando!
Aqui, yo mando!"
And he's white.Where did he learn Spanish?