Jordan Rubin - I Wish I Was Black

  • Season 12 , Ep 8
  • 01/31/2008
  • Views: 3,668

SERIOUSLY.I THINK IT'S GONNA BE BIG.

WELL, YOU LAUGH NOW,BUT YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST

ON THIS NEW YORK STREET HEREWHERE I LIKE GETTING MUGGED

- DURING MY OWN SPECIAL.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU GUYS JUST TELL MEIF SOMEONE'S-- OKAY.

SO THE INTERNET.I WANT TO NAME ALL MY KIDS

AFTER MICROSOFT WORD FONTS.I THINK THAT'D BE FUN.

COME HERE, COURIER.COME ON. LET'S GO.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

COME ON TAHOMA.WING DING. GET OFF OF THERE.

WING DING.THAT WOULD BE THE BAD KID.

'CAUSE IF YOU'RE WHITE,YOU GOTTA MIX IT UP

WITH THE CHILD NAMES,YOU KNOW,

'CAUSE ALL THE BLACK GUYSGET THE COOL NAMES.

THEY NAME THEIR KIDS,LIKE, SHAKIQUA AND WIKIPEDIA

AND MYSPACE.COM,JUST ALL OF THOSE COOL NAMES.

I WISH I WAS BLACK,THOUGH, SERIOUSLY.

IF YOU'RE BLACK,YOU CAN TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS

IN FRONT OF A GIRLAND BE LIKE, "YEAH."

I'M JEWISH. I TAKE OFFMY PANTS THEY'RE LIKE, "EWWW."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS,WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

"I'LL DO YOUR TAXES.I DON'T KNOW IF-- EH, YEAH..."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I DON'T HAVE A HUGE PENIS.

BUT I HAVEEVERYTHING IN MY BEDROOM

BUILT TO THREE-QUARTER SCALESO IT LOOKS BIGGER AND AH...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WANT TO GET A TATTOOOF A BIG PENIS ON MY PENIS.

BIG BLACK ONE ON MY WHITE ONE.

AND I WANT TO GET A TATTOOOF NIPPLES ON MY TESTICLES,

JUST SO THEY LOOK LIKEREALLY OLD BOOBS.

I THINK THAT'S GONNA BELIKE THE GUY VERSION

OF A TRAMP STAMP. I DON'T--

ONE OF MY FRIENDSACTUALLY TOLD ME

THAT HE SHAVED HIS PUBIC HAIRTO MAKE HIS THING LOOK BIGGER.

SO I'M THINKING OF JUST LIKE,CUTTING OFF MY LEGS,

YOU KNOW,JUST TO MAKE IT HUGE.

- IT'S GONNA BE THE BIGGEST--- [LAUGHTER]

SO I'M JEWISH. I CHANGED MY NAME'CAUSE IT SOUNDED TOO ETHNIC.

MY NAME ISJORDAN JEWEY JEW HEBREWBURG.

- AND--- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.IT'S AN INTERESTING NAME.

IT'S SEPHARDIC, ACTUALLY.

IT'S NOT AS BAD ASMY FRIEND'S NAME THOUGH.

BOB SMALL PENIS, BIG NOSE,CONTROLS THE MEDIA-WICZ.

THAT SOUNDS ALITTLE MORE JEWISH.

IF YOU'RE COUNTING, YOU KNOW?

- I WISH I WAS BLACK.- [LAUGHTER]

YOU THINK WHEN THENEW TESTAMENT CAME OUT,

GOD WAS LIKE, "YO, YOU GOTTACHECK OUT THE NEW SHIZZLE.

"BIBLE DROPS MAY 15th, SON.YEAH. YEAH. UH-HUH.

- IT'S MY BIBLE."- [LAUGHTER]

THAT'S MY RAPPER TALK.

YOU NEVER SEE GANGSTER RAPPERSGETTING IN TUNE.

YOU KNOW? LIKEME, ME, ME, ME, ME.

I'M GONNA BUST A CAP IN YOUR ASSI'M GONNA TEAR THAT ASS OUT HA

YOU DON'T SEE THAT.

RAPPERS.I LOVE THEY WAY THEY TALK.

IT'S, "YO, YO.CHECK THIS NEW ONE.

WHERE BROOKLYN AT?WHERE BROOKLYN?"

IT'S LIKE"IT'S RIGHT OVER THERE.

YOU KNOW? GO--GO ON GOOGLE MAPS."

THERE'S ONLY CERTAIN JOBS WHEREYOU CAN TALK LIKE A RAPPER.

AND THOSE JOBS ARE RAPPER.YOU CAN'T BE A HEART SURGEON.

THAT WOULDFREAK PEOPLE OUT, RIGHT?

IMAGINE GOING INFOR SURGERY, LIKE,

"YO, THERE'S A PROBLEMWITH YOUR TICKER, KID.

"GONNA BUST YOU OPEN, SON.GET ALL UP IN THERE. YEAH.

"I WAS LOOKING ATYOUR CAT SCAN, I WAS LIKE,'WHAT THE [BLEEP]?'

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

"OH NO YOUR CHOLESTEROL DIND'NIT.OH NO IT DIND'NIT, OH NO."

I'M WRITING ANALL BLACK MYSTERY NOVEL.IT'S A "WHO DIND'NIT IT."

[LAUGHTER]

AND ALL MY BLACK FRIENDSCALL EACH OTHER BROTHER.

AND THEY STILLSOUND COOL SAYING IT.

THEY'RE LIKE, "WHAT'S UP BRO?YO BROTHER?" YEAH.

WHITE GUYS CAN'T DO THAT.WE CALL EACH OTHER BROTHER.

WE SOUND LIKE GAY HARI KRISHNAS.

IT'S LIKE, "BROTHER.COME WITH ME BROTHER.

WE'RE GOING TOTHE LAND OF PENISES NOW.

AND WE'LL ALLWEAR FANNY PACKS."

THAT'S THE GAYESTTHING IN THE WORLD.

A FANNY PACK.IF YOU'RE A GUY--

IF YOU'RE A GUY,YOU'RE WEARING A FANNY PACK,THE ONLY THING INSIDE THERE

IS LIKE A BUTT PLUGAND STREISAND TICKETS.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

AM I RIGHT? YEAH.

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