Victoria Jackson - Married Sex

  • Season 3, Ep 11
  • 08/15/2000
  • Views: 510

Victoria uses impressions to spice up her sex life. (3:00)

THAT THERE'S A NEW PLAYBOYFOR MARRIED MEN,

AND IT HAS THE SAME CENTERFOLDEVERY MONTH.

[laughter]

I WAS LIKE,

"OH."

[chuckling blandly]

LIKE, I REALLY LOVETHIS HUSBAND,

AND WE'VE BEEN MARRIEDSEVEN YEARS,

SO I SHOULD PROBABLY DRESS UPLIKE OTHER WOMEN

TO KEEP HIM EXCITED, YOU KNOW.

BUT I ONLY KNOWEIGHT IMPRESSIONS, SO I THOUGHT,

"WELL, IF IT WORKS, I'LL LEARNMORE IMPRESSIONS," YOU KNOW.

SO THE FIRST NIGHTHE CAME HOME FROM WORK,

I DRESSED UP LIKE ZSA ZSA

IN THE FURRY THINGAND THE WIG AND THE ACCENT,

AND HE CAME IN THE FRONT DOORIN HIS LITTLE POLICE COSTUME.

I LIKE TO CALL IT THAT

BECAUSE HE TAKES ITSO SERIOUSLY, YOU KNOW--

BANG, BANG. TEN-FOUR.

AND HE CAN'T LEAVE HIS POLICEPERSONALITY AT WORK.

THE OTHER DAY, WE WERE IN BED,AND HE PUT HIS ARM AROUND ME,

AND HE GOES, "DO YOU HAVEANY IDEA WHY I PULLED YOU OVER?"

[laughter]

HE HAS ALL THESE WALKIE-TALKIESAND FLASHLIGHTS AND BADGES,

GUNS, AND LITTLE POCKETS,AND EVERYTHING.

SO I GO, "DAHLING,I'VE VORKED ALL OVER THE VORLD,

AND I JUST VANTTO BE WITH YOU."

AND HE GOES, "VICKY,WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

AND I GO, "I DIDN'T VANTTO SLAP A COP.

I VANTED TO SPANK HIM."

AND HE GOES, "VICKY."

AND I GO, "I'M ZSA ZSA.

YOU KNOW, SAME CENTERFOLDEVERY NIGHT? ZSA ZSA."

AND HE GOES,"VICKY, SHE'S OLD AND FAT."

AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, YEAH."

SO THE NEXT NIGHT, I GO,

"OKAY, I KNOW;I'LL DO MY BEST IMPRESSION."

SO I PUT A PILLOWIN MY TEDDY,

AND WHEN HE CAME INTHE FRONT DOOR, I GO,

[mimicking Roseanne]"SO, LIKE,

"YOU WANT TO GO TO BED AND ALLTHAT CRAP AND EVERYTHING?

"WHERE WERE YOU?

IN THE POLICE HELICOPTER ALL DAYLOOKING AT BOOBS?"

SOMETHING LIKE THAT;I'M A LITTLE RUSTY.

YOU KNOW WHO I'M DOING.

HE GOES, "VICKY."

AND I GO, "WELL,SHE HAS HER OWN TV SHOW."

[laughter and applause]

BUT I SHOULD'VE DONEMY FRAN DRESCHER,

BECAUSE SHE'S YOUNGAND SHE'S THIN AND SHE'S HOT.

OR AT LEASTSHE THINKS SO.

JUST KIDDING.

[mimicking Drescher]HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO.

SO ANYWAY, JAY LENO,

I WAS HAVINGTHIS FANCY DINNER PARTY,

AND I LIT MY SWEATER ON FIRE.

HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO.

AND THEN I CUT MY FINGER OFF,

AND BLOOD WAS SQUIRTINGEVERYWHERE.

HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO.

SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

WELL, SEE, WHEN I WAS DOING THEWEIRD AL YANKOVIC MOVIE, U.H.F.,

WE WERE IN TULSA, AND IT WASBEFORE SHE WAS FAMOUS.

AND SHE CAME INTO MY HOTEL ROOMONE DAY, AND SHE GOES,

"VICTORIA, THERE'S NOTHINGTO DO HERE.

DO YOU WANT TO GOTO A WEIGHT WATCHERS' MEETING?"

LIKE, I DON'T KNOWIF SHE WENT OR NOT,

BUT SHE'S THIN, AND I'M NOT,SO MAYBE SHE WENT.

[laughter]

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