Billy Gardell - New York City

  • Season 12 , Ep 23
  • 06/06/2008
  • Views: 46,672

I love New York City 'cause you got a bar every four feet with a church in between 'em. (1:21)

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

IT'S GOOD TO BE BACKIN NEW YORK CITY.

I LOVE COMING HERE.ASK ME WHY.

WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?

'CAUSE YOU GOT A BAREVERY 4 FEET,

WITH A CHURCH IN BETWEEN THEM.

I FIGURED OUT THE SYSTEM --I'M DRUNK. I'M SORRY.

I'M DRUNK. I'M SORRY.I'M DRUNK.

THEN YOU GO GET A SLICE OF PIE.

IT'S JUST GOOD TO BE OUTOF LOS ANGELES, MAN.

I HATE LIVING OUT THERE.

IT'S NICE TO BE BACK IN A TOWNWHERE YOU CAN HAVE

MORE THAN FOUR BEERS WITHOUTSOMEONE IN THE ROOM GOING,

"He has a problem."

FOUR BEERS AIN'T A PROBLEM.

WAKING UP NAKED,CHAINED TO A GOAT --

THAT'S A PROBLEM.

A LITTLE PERSPECTIVE.THAT'S ALL.

[ APPLAUSE ]

IT'S WEIRD OUT THERE, MAN.

EVERY GROWN MANWEIGHS 100 POUNDS,

AND ALL THE WOMEN HAVESO MUCH PLASTIC SURGERY,

THEY JUST WALK AROUNDLOOKING SURPRISED ALL DAY,

LIKE, "HEY, HOW YOU DOING?GOOD TO SEE YOU.

I JUST GOT MY SHOTS.HOW ARE YOU? OKAY."

SAW MY FIRST GAY-PRIDE MARCHOUT IN LOS ANGELES.

I NEVER SEENNOTHING LIKE THAT, MAN.

100,000 GAY PEOPLECOME MARCHING THROUGH THE CITY.

I STARTED THINKING ABOUT THAT.I'M A LITTLE JEALOUS OF THAT.

STRAIGHT GUYS,WE DON'T HAVE A PARADE, DO WE?

YOU DON'T SEE US MARCHING UPAND DOWN THE STREET --

"VAGINA!"

WHERE'S THAT PARADE?

I'D HAVE A ROLLING VAGINA FLOAT

WITH A TRAMPOLINE IN THE MIDDLEAND A MIDGET POPPING IN AND OUT,

JUST TOSSING OUT PLASTIC LIPSLIKE IT WAS MARDI GRAS.

"HAPPY VAGINA DAY, EVERYBODY!"

I HAVE A GREAT JOB, MAN.

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