Paul Gilmartin - Competition

CC Presents: Paul Gilmartin Season 8, Ep 25 05/27/2004 Views: 2,596

A girl shouldn't have to wait until puberty to enjoy a bad body image. (1:50)

MILITARY.

IF YOU'VE EVER SERVED OR YOU

CURRENTLY SERVE, MY HAT IS OFF

TO YOU, TRULY.

YOU ARE BRAVER THAN I AM BECAUSE

I KNOW THERE'S NO WAY I COULD

HANDLE COMBAT.

I [BLEEP] IN MY PANTS PLAYING

PAINTBALL.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, [BLEEP].

THAT'S GONNA LEAVE A WELT.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M KICKING YOUR ASS.

DESERT COMBAT?

I CAN'T EVEN STAND THE WALK BACK

FROM THE BEACH TO THE CAR.

OH, GOD.

SOMEBODY TAKE THE COOLER.

[LAUGHTER]

LOOK, I KNOW THEY'RE

COMMITTING GENOCIDE, BUT I'M

GETTING KIND OF PINK.

WHITE, RED, WHITE, RED,

WHITE, RED.

IT'S COMING BACK RED FAST.

I BETTER GET IN THE CAR.

I THINK IT'S COOL THAT WE'RE A

SUPER ECONOMIC POWER, BUT I

THINK THERE'S A LOT OF

PSYCHOLOGICAL BAGGAGE THAT

COMES WITH ALWAYS HAVING TO BE

NUMBER ONE.

COMPETITION IS SO INGRAINED

INTO OUR DAILY LIVES WE DON'T

EVEN SEE IT.

PIE EATING CONTESTS.

HOW [BLEEP] UP IS THAT?

[LAUGHTER]

FORGET ABOUT THE POOR BASTARD

WHO HAS NO CONTROL AT DESSERT

TIME.

LET'S CHEER HIM ON AS HE VOMITS

AND CONTINUES EATING.

[BLEEP]

I THINK THE GUY SHOULD BE IN A

CLINIC.

WE'RE GIVING HIM A TROPHY.

[LAUGHTER]

HAVE YOU SEEN THE BEAUTY

PAGEANTS FOR THE LITTLE GIRLS,

LITTLE 5-YEAR-OLD GIRLS?

THEY'RE REALLY POPULAR.

THE LAST ONE WAS SO BIG THEY HAD

TO HOLD IT IN ONE MOTHER'S

PERSONAL EMPTINESS.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BECAUSE, REALLY, A GIRL

SHOULDN'T HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL

PUBERTY FOR HER BAD BODY IMAGE.

LET'S GO AFTER HER RIGHT AWAY.

FIVE IS THE AGE TO BEGIN

SLINKING AROUND TO MARVIN GAYE.

THAT'S NOT CREEPY.

I DON'T THINK SHE REALLY CAUGHT

THE ESSENCE OF "SEXUAL HEALING"

UNTIL SHE POOPED HER PANTS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]