Bob Oschack - Renting Pornography

  • Season 1 , Ep 12
  • 01/11/2011
  • Views: 7,084

Bob Oschack is "Jerk Happy Bob." (2:00)

(Bob Oshack)THIS FAR INTO THE YEAR,AND I STILL HAVE YET

TO BREAK MY NEWYEAR'S RESOLUTION.

MY RESOLUTION OFCOURSE TO NO LONGER

BE EMBARRASSED TORENT PORNOGRAPHY.

THIS IS AN ISSUETHAT'S IMPORTANT TO ME.

I'M TIRED OF WALKING INTOMY LOCAL VIDEO STORE

WITH MY SHOULDERS HUNCHEDIN A FEEBLE ATTEMPT

TO HIDE MY FACE WHEN I'MTHERE FOR ILLICIT REASONS.

IT TAKES ME AN HOURAND A HALF TO MAKEIT FROM THE ENTRANCE

TO THE FAR BACK CORNERWHERE THE ADULT SECTION IS.

'CAUSE I HAVE TOCOVERTLY DART FROM

ONE SHELF TO ANOTHER,HOPING NOBODY SPOTS ME.

AND IF SOMEBODY DOES SPOTME PRANCING TO THE PORN

LIKE SOME SORT OF HORNYNINJA, I'LL IMMEDIATELY

BACKTRACK INTO THEINDEPENDENT FILM SECTION,

AND FEIGN INTEREST IN THELATEST SUNDANCE AWARD WINNERS

UNTIL THEY LEAVETHE PREMISES.

NOT ANYMORE.

I'M TIRED OF LIVING A LIE.

IT'S TIME FOR THEEMPLOYEES OF MY LOCAL

VIDEO STORE AND THEREST OF THE CITIZENRY

OF THE UNITED STATES OFAMERICA TO RECOGNIZE WHO I AM.

I'M JERK HAPPY BOB.

I'M A 31-YEAR-OLD,COLLEGE-EDUCATED, MARRIED MAN

IN NEED OF ASEXUAL OUTLET...

'CAUSE MY WIFEIS OUT OF TOWN.

OR... OR SHE'SWORKING LATE.

OR SHE'S IN THE OTHERROOM, READING INTENTLY.

I DON'T CARE ANYMORE.

FROM NOW ON IN, I'MWALKING INTO THAT STORE

WITH MY HEAD HELD HIGH.

AND I'M GONNA MARCHTHROUGH IT WITH MORE

INTENTION THAN PATTONMARCHED HIS TROOPS

THROUGH NORTH AFRICA.

AND THEN I'M GONNAMAKE MY SELECTIONS,

AND YES, OH YES...

I'M GONNA RENT 12,EVEN THOUGH THEY AREDUE WITHIN 24 HOURS.

AND THEN I'M GONNA MARCHBACK TO THAT COUNTERTOP

AND I'M NOT GONNA WAIT FORTHE MALE CASHIER TO OPEN UP.

OLD BOB, OLD YEAR 2002BOB, WOULD HAVE CAMPED OUT

IN THE PLAYSTATIONGAMES FOR HOURS ON END,

WAITING FOR THAT MALECASHIER TO OPEN UP.

NOT ANYMORE.

I'M WALKING STRAIGHTUP TO THAT FEMALE

AND I'M GONNA LET MYARMLOAD OF SELECTIONS

CASCADE ALL ACROSS THATFORMICA COUNTERTOP.

AND WHEN SHEGOES, "OH, OH, OH!

WOULD YOU LIKEA BAG FOR THIS?"

I'M GONNA SAY, YOUKNOW WHAT, DARLING?

UNLESS YOUR BAGS COMEIN BRIGHT NEON COLORSWITH THE WORD "SMUT"

EMBLAZONED ACROSS THEMIN GLITTER PAINT...

WHY DON'T YOU SAVE THEMFOR THE LIGHT-WEIGHTS?

'CAUSE I'LL TELLYOU WHAT, HONEY.

MY NAME'S JERK HAPPY BOB

AND I WANT EVERYONE INTHAT PARKING LOT TO KNOW

WHAT IT IS I'MGOING HOME TO DO.

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