Daniel Tosh - MTV Cribs

  • Season 7 , Ep 23
  • 07/24/2003
  • Views: 113,666

Daniel Tosh describes what his episode of MTV Cribs would be like. (2:51)

Daniel Tosh: NOW YOU KNOW

THE WORST TELEVISION, MTV.

I CAN'T ST-- MUSIC TELEVISION.

THEY CALL IT THAT.

THEY DON'T EVEN PLAY MUSIC.

HOW'S THAT LEGAL?

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT IF EVERYBODY DID THAT?

"HEY, THANKS FOR CALLIN'

NEW YORK PIZZA."

"YEAH, GIVE ME TWO LARGE

PEPPERONI PIZZAS."

"OH, WE DON'T SELL PIZZA."

"WHAT?"

"NO, WE JUST HAVE RACCOON HATS

AND EYE PATCHES.

CALL THE BOOK STORE IF YOU'RE

HUNGRY."

[LAUGHTER]

THEY HAVE A SHOW ON MTV

THAT I CAN'T STAND-- "CRIBS."

YOU EVER WATCH "CRIBS?"

YEAH, THAT SHOW SHOULD BE CALLED

"WANNA FEEL LIKE A FAILURE?"

[LAUGHTER]

LITTLE BOWWOW HAS AN S SERIES.

THAT'S NOT RIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

TELL YOU WHAT, THOUGH.

IF I EVER GET REALLY FAMOUS,

I PROMISE YOU THE GREATEST

"CRIBS" EPISODE OF ALL TIME.

OH, YOU CAN TRUST ME ON THIS

ONE.

I'M GONNA HIRE UNIVERSAL STUDIOS

TO COME OVER TO MY HOUSE,

BUILD AN EXTENSION OF CAVES

AND CORRIDORS THAT GO FROM

MY BEDROOM TO THE BATHROOM.

THAT WAY, EVERY NIGHT,

WHEN I WAKE UP TO GO PEE,

THE ADVENTURE BEGINS.

[LAUGHTER]

SO I WAKE UP, RIGHT?

I'M LIKE SCARED AND NERVOUS.

AND I HAVE TO GO.

AND THE CAMERA CREW'S FOLLOWING

ME.

I'M LIKE, "OOH."

AND I HIRE VIN DIESEL TO HIDE

AND JUMP OUT AND SCARE ME

AND SWORD FIGHT ME.

AND HE'S LIKE "PREPARE TO DIE."

AND I'M LIKE, "CALM DOWN,

YOU OVER-ACTOR.

I'M PAYING YOU TO LOSE."

AND HE'S LIKE-- [NOISE].

AND THEN I KILL HIM.

AND THERE'S A PRINCESS TIED UP.

AND SHE'S LIKE, "THANK YOU.

I'VE BEEN HERE FOR SO LONG."

I'M LIKE, "NO TIME FOR TALK,

YOU GOTTA TINKLE.

LET'S RUN."

WE START GOING.

THE WALLS STREET CLOSIN' IN.

YEAH, THERE'S DOORS GOING DOWN,

AND ROCKS EVERYWHERE.

AND WE HAVE TO GO ACROSS AN OLD

ROPE BRIDGE.

BUT HALFWAY ACROSS THE ROPE

BRIDGE, THE BOTTOM ONE SETS

ON FIRE AND IT SNAPS.

AND SHE FALLS, BUT I GOT HER

WITH ONE ARM.

YEAH, I CAN FEEL HER SLIPPIN.

BUT SHE'S LOOKING UP AT ME,

GOING, "I'LL NEVER STOP LOVING

YOU."

CLOSE UP ON MY EYES, AND A CLOSE

UP ON HER EYES, AND I CLOSE UP

ON MY EYES...

LIKE-- AND THEN SHE FALLS.

LIKE, "AAAAH!"

AND I'M LIKE, "WHYYYYY?

WHYYYY?"

AND I SNAP OUTTA THAT.

I GOTTA PEE LIKE A RACEHORSE.

BACK UP ONTO THE ROPE.

I GET TO THE BATHROOM.

I PULL MY PAJAMAS DOWN,

'CAUSE I SIT DOWN AND PEE LIKE

A GIRL WHEN I'M AT MY HOUSE.

IT'S MY HOUSE, I FEEL MORE

COMFORTABLE THAT WAY.

DON'T JUDGE ME, THE BIBLE SAYS

NOT TO.

BUT AS SOON AS I SIT DOWN,

A HOLOGRAM OF MY DAD POPS UP.

AND HE'S LIKE, "DANIEL, THIS IS

YOUR FATHER.

MAKE SURE YOU LOOK BEHIND THE

SHOWER CURTAIN BEFORE YOU--."

TOO LATE.

A DRAGON COMES FROM BEHIND

THE SHOWER CURTAIN.

YEAH.

IT'S GONNA SPRAY ME WITH FIRE,

BUT I RIP THE MEDICINE CABINET

OFF, RIGHT?

MIRROR CHING-CHING, KILLS THE

DRAGON.

AND THEN I GOT TO THE BATHROOM.

I GO BACK TO BED.

AND NO ONE EVEN KNOWS I ADDED

THESE EXTENSIONS ON TO MY HOUSE.

IT'S TOP SECRET.

MY MAID COMES RUNNIN' IN.

"DANIEL, DANIEL!

WHAT'S WITH ALL THAT RUCKUS?"

AND I'M LIKE, "OH, HELGA,

IT WAS NOTHING.

NOW GET BACK TO YOUR QUARTERS."

AND SHE'S LIKE, "HMMM."

THEN I ROLL OVER AND STARE

AT THE CAMERA CREW, AND I GO,

"SHHHH."

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEN THE CAMERA GOES BACK

ONTO VIN DIESEL'S BODY.

CLOSE UP ON HIS FACE.

AND THEN HIS EYES OPEN.

WELL, DID YOU GET CHILLS?

YEAH.

LET'S SEE P. DIDDY TOP THAT

CRIB.

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