How many of you guysever heard of the Haitians?
My uncle, his Haitian accentis so strong,
he used to pronounce"peanuts," "penis."
He go on the airplane:"Where's my penis?
"No. I want my penisin my mouth right now. Oh-oh.
"Why you... why you...why you play with my penis?"
I'm, like, "Uncle,can you please say 'nuts'?
"I like penis more than nuts.
They have vitamin C, and they'regood for your teet'."
Then at that point,we sound like gay people.
I got my jelly flip-flips,you want a penis in your mouth--
what the hell we look like?
I think I'm getting
more and morelike my parents now,
'cause, like, my mother,she just talk
however she want to talk.
She don't careif you understand her or not.
She'd say stuff like,"I'm watching you with my eyes."
Who else eyes you gonna bewatching me with, Mama?
So now, like-like...sometimes, you ever try
to think of a word and youcan't think of that word?
Like, "Uh... Aw, forget it."
Not me-- I take the nearest wordand throw that bitch out there
and let the people figure outwhat the hell I'm trying to say.
This guy, he was, like,"Well, how much is your rent?"
I said, "My rent is $850,with utensils."
I was dead serious.
"$850, with utensils."
Like, "You mean 'utilities'?
"You could bringyour own utilities,
but I need halfthe utensils every month."
And thank God for the Internet.
Ooh, I was so dumbbefore the Internet.
'Cause sometimes I don't knowwhich word had the two S's.
It was "dessert" or "desert."
So I googled one of them.
If I see a bunch of cakes,I'm, like, "Oh, it's dessert."
And Google don't tryto play you out.
It's just betweenyou and Google, right?
"Did you mean...?"
"Yes, I did, Google."
"Are you trying to say...?"
"Yes, I am."
Google can read minds--it's amazing!
I wish they had Googleeverywhere you went.
Like, I be in my car.
"Oh, the police are behind me.Google, what should I say?"
"Tell 'em that you're white,and that's a birthmark."
"Thank you, Google."Thank you very much.